


This Is The Best

by choking_on_roses (orphan_account)



Category: Free!
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Asexuality, Awkward Boners, Break Up, Cutting, Drug Abuse, Eventual Happy Ending, Gender Identity, Genderfluid Character, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, It's Okay To Be Gay (or Kisumi Will Shank You), Kisumi Is The Fairy Godfather Of This Fic, M/M, Rin the Shark Princess, Sousuke's a total sadist, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, budding OLDCODEX
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-26
Updated: 2015-12-10
Packaged: 2018-02-18 20:02:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 63,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2360486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/choking_on_roses
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nagisa's not mad anymore. He's so heartbroken that there's no room left to be angry. His parents hate him, and as much as he likes to pretend it doesn't matter to him, that he'll be with Rei anyway and forget all about them, it still hurts. Horribly. They're his parents. They're supposed to love him no matter what, the way he loves them.</p><p>Of course he cares what they think.</p><p> <br/>(Or: young adulthood is hard. With a little help from his friends, Nagisa learns that family is what he makes of it.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rei had begun observing the swim club (from a distance of course) and noticed that, well, they always seemed to be having...fun. Fun. Since when did Rei care about stupid things like that? There must be something seriously wrong with his head lately.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title taken from USS' song "This Is The Best"
> 
> *Please be aware that this is part two of a series. It doesn't need to be read in order to make sense, but reading part one first might help with clarity (and surviving the feels.) For those who have NOT read part one (titled Can You See Me?) note that this story takes place in an AU where Makoto and Haru never made up before Makoto moved to Tokyo, and Sousuke was never friends with Rin. 
> 
> Inspired by s2 ep.11 and the fact that Makoto's voice actor is Tatsuhisa Suzuki, the lead singer of OLDCODEX, the band that performed both opening themes for Free!
> 
> The first chapter is sad. I'm sorry. I promise there will be a tonne of smut and hilarity in the future to make up for it. :/

In the darkness, Rei feels hands on him. They move slowly, gently over his body, but he's terrified. He doesn't want them there, he doesn't want this. He wants to get away, but his limbs won't move. 

"You're so pretty," a low voice rumbles in his ear.

Rei jolts awake, gasping, breaking out in a cold, miserable sweat. The lingering feeling of freezing hands on him, touching his naked chest, his hips, the place between his thighs, makes his stomach twist into sick knots.

He lays motionless for a few minutes, shivering, trying to regulate his breathing. He turns on the lamp beside his bed and fumbles for his glasses, hands shaking. He swallows down the bile that's threatening to come up.

He can't pinpoint the precise event that made these dreams begin; he has them every few months, seemingly for no reason, and it usually takes several weeks to push them completely from his mind afterwards.

They're terrifying because he doesn't know if the dreams are something of his own mind's invention, in which case he's, well, fucked right up. And being fucked right up, an actual psychotic wreck, is actually the best option for him in this situation. Because the only other thing he can think of that would trigger them would be if he was recalling events that...that legitimately happened. Things buried deep in his head, repressed memories that are now leaking out in a steady flow that only seems to get stronger and more persistent over time.

That thought makes the vomit rise again. He barely makes it to the toilet in time to fall to his knees in front of it, glad his mother isn't home to hear him. She'd no doubt come in and pester him with all sorts of questions about his health. She's a doctor, after all. It's her job.

Rei rinses out his mouth in the sink when he's done, removing his glasses to splash water on his face. He studies his blurry reflection in the mirror.

Either way he looks at it, he's a monster. A broken creature with no wings. He will never be beautiful.

Rei's fear of having another dream keeps him from getting back into bed. He opens a textbook instead, sitting on the floor with his back propped against his bed frame.

English. He needs to practice. He can read and write in English perfectly fine; but his pronunciation is horrible, and he knows it. 

Rei reads quietly to himself for an hour before his eyes start to droop, mind wandering away from the lesson on the page. Now he's thinking of the one and only trip he's taken out of Japan.

New York. That had been an English-speaking disaster of the highest degree. Rei hadn't exactly minded the trip back then, at least not until he'd gotten off of the plane (Rei hated planes, mostly because of his intense motion sickness. He'd spent the last half of the flight curled up on the floor of the washroom, wrapped in a thin blanket and having several stewardesses fuss over him in the most embarrassing fashion.)

Other than the flight from hell, nothing had seemed especially out of the ordinary, besides being unable to communicate with anyone he met. 

There was nothing sinister.

It wasn't until later that the memory had become tainted, darkness and suspicion creeping into every interaction, into every word shared between himself and his estranged father. 

Not until later that his mother's urgent "If anything happens, ANYTHING, call me right away" had become more than the overbearing worry of a parent whose ten-year-old was going on an airplane by himself to a foreign country. It had been a coded message, a desperate warning to him that he was too naive to understand until he was older.

Until he found out.

"You're so handsome," his father had said to him when they'd met at the airport. "You've grown so much." And it's the same low voice from the dream, the same flawless English.

Rei hadn't gone back to visit him since. He hadn't even spoken to him on the phone. 

Rei takes a deep, shuddering breath and closes his English book. Perhaps it's due to lasting implications from that trip that he experiences a mental block when it comes to speaking English. Not that he doesn't try his best, but Rei decides that it may be more productive at the moment to think of something else.

Something that makes him happy. Something beautiful. A golden-haired, sakura-eyed something by the name of Hazuki Nagisa.

Hazuki both intrigues and intimidates him. When Hazuki first approached him, asking him to join the swim team, Rei had thought little of it. He wasn't at all interested in joining another club. The track team is bad enough, having to spend more time with people after school was not ideal for him. 

Rei generally hates all people, but especially high-school aged people. They're juvenile, rude, and Rei wants nothing to do with them. He'd be satisfied coming straight home to his room every day after school, but he'd joined the track team for his mother's sake. It requires relatively little interaction with teammates, and he can use it to satiate her frequent questions about his "friends", though he by no means considers anyone on the track team a "friend". 

Rei had neither needed nor wanted friends before. He wanted to be left alone. And he especially couldn't abide people _touching_ him.

That is, until Hazuki. Sure, Rei had been less than enthused by the kid's original efforts to get him to join; firstly, he couldn't swim, and secondly, he was aware that Hazuki's only reason for asking him was because the swim club would be shut down if they didn't get a fourth member.

Hazuki started accompanying Rei on his morning runs (which were more of an excuse to get off the train crowded with loud, obnoxious human beings a stop earlier.) Rei was sore about it the first time it happened. He thought it was disrespectful, a gross trespass of his personal space.

But then some kind of miracle happened. Rei started to like the fact that Hazuki follows him around. He doesn't know why, and the revelation when he first recognized these feelings was shocking. Yet it's true. Rei looks forward to having Hazuki pester him. Part of him doesn't ever want it to end.

Rei had begun observing the swim club (from a distance of course) and noticed that, well, they always seemed to be having...fun. Fun. Since when did Rei care about stupid things like that? There must be something seriously wrong with his head lately. Besides the nightmares.

Yet, there it is. A strange, reckless desire to become part of a team like that, one where everyone genuinely seems to care for each other. Also a burning curiosity to see if Hazuki really means what he says. 

Perhaps Hazuki will allow him watch one of their practices from up close. He may be able to use his findings for a research project. Or something.

Rei drifts back to sleep, imagining how excited a certain little blond boy would look if Rei were to say "Yes, I'll join your swim club." He'd probably jump up and down like a human bouncy ball, barreling into Rei and wrapping his arms around him the way that makes Rei stiffen. As much as he can't stand human contact, and as much as having Hazuki draping himself all over him all the time- even though they're perfect strangers- is intimidating beyond belief...well, Rei has to admit to himself that he doesn't get the urge to stab the kid every time, as he does with others who try to engage in physical expressions of affection with him.

This time, Rei dreams of Hazuki's smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [rosaveritas.tumblr.com](http://rosaveritas.tumblr.com/)  
>  or rosaveritasfanfiction@gmail.com
> 
> I promise I don't bite.


	2. Sweater Weather

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You should leave, Ryuugazaki. I'd like to speak to my son."
> 
> "Yes, sir." Rei gives him a stiff bow and collects his school bag and glasses from the floor. 
> 
> Hazuki-san glares at him as he passes. "I'll be calling your mother after this."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, I couldn't not write it.

Rei had been apprehensive about his first time with Nagisa-kun. More than apprehensive; terrified, terrified that it would be an ordeal, that he wouldn't be able to go through with it, that he'd ruin it for Nagisa with his fear of both physical and emotional intimacy.

He'd made himself sick to his stomach more than once, stressing about it. And he'd almost, almost told Nagisa-kun everything. But that would have made Nagisa hate him. Rei had imagined several scenarios in which Nagisa found out. None of them resulted in he and Nagisa remaining in a relationship.

How could Nagisa love him, how could he possibly think Rei was beautiful if he ever found out? He could picture the disturbed look on Nagisa's face, the shine gone from his eyes. Rei had grown so attached, attached enough to confirm with himself that yes, he was in love, and he knew he couldn't stand to see that expression on Nagisa's face. 

The problem with developing feelings for somebody, Rei had always known, was that it gave them emotional power. Rei was afraid of how much power Nagisa held over him, worried that it would mean his eventual undoing. He was also afraid of how willing he'd be to let Nagisa orchestrate such a thing. Love was the most illogical concept Rei had ever encountered.

 

When they made love for the first time, Rei realized what a fool he'd been. The experience, though short-lived, fumbling, unskilled, had been one of the best in Rei's memory. Nagisa's tender, warm hands and loving kisses had slowly stripped away all of Rei's doubts, his fears, his mental armor, until nothing remained but his feelings for Nagisa. He'd felt wonderful. He'd felt normal.  
He'd felt healed.

 

It's been almost three years since Nagisa exploded into his life, a brilliant sunrise casting light on every shadow, every dark, secret crevice of Rei's existence.

Rei can forgive himself, now, for succumbing to Nagisa's sexual whims when they're supposed to be studying for university entrance exams. He has priorities, after all.

"I love it when you wear cardigans," Nagisa says, crawling on hands and knees towards Rei, who's sitting cross-legged on the floor of Nagisa's bedroom. They usually spend their time at Rei's, since it's so much quieter, but today Nagisa's family is out at some event Nagisa couldn't go with them to because of swim practice.

"Cardigans?" What an odd thing to say. Rei has recently become more familiar with garments meant to be sexually enticing, and he doesn't recall cardigans coming up anywhere during his various searches.

Nagisa climbs into Rei's lap, removing his glasses and setting them safely aside. Rei loves it when Nagisa does that. It means he's planning something more...creative than usual.

"I love knitwear," Nagisa murmurs in his ear, running his hands over Rei's shoulders. "It's so soft and warm and...sexy."

"Knitwear isn't sexy. I checked."

Nagisa kisses Rei's neck. "It is when Rei-chan wears it."

Rei rests his cheek against Nagisa's silky hair, inhaling his scent. He always smells like fruit. Strawberries. "Do you want me to leave it on?"

"Hell no," Nagisa says, raising his head so fast he bumps into Rei's jaw. "Ow!"

"Are you okay?" Rei asks, alarmed. His jaw aches a little, but nothing he can't handle.

Nagisa giggles hysterically against him. "Yeah! Mm...you could kiss it better for me."

Rei obligingly kisses the top of Nagisa's head.

"Again," Nagisa demands.

Rei plants another one on him. Then he cups Nagisa's cheeks in his hands and tilts his face up, kissing him full on the mouth.

"Again." Nagisa's eyes shine brightly in the late afternoon light.

This time the kiss lasts for several minutes, graduating in the type that's colloquially referred to as "French," (although Rei can't figure out why.)

Rei used to hate the idea of kissing. He'd cover his eyes whenever he came across it in movies or television shows. It looked disgusting, especially the kind where tongues were shoved into each other's mouths, exchanging a revolting amount of saliva. He'd never experienced a single iota of desire to try it. 

Again, that was until he'd met Nagisa, who'd rapidly convinced him that French kissing is really the only way to go. It helps that Nagisa always tastes like candy. Rei doesn't eat much candy himself, so kissing Nagisa ends up being treat in more ways than one.

"We should totally try sixty-nining today," Nagisa suggests when he stops for air.

"I'd rather not. It doesn't seem like it'd be comfortable, considering the height difference," Rei says, forgetting he isn't wearing his glasses anymore and groping at the space in front of his eyes.

"Come on, Rei-chan," Nagisa whines, "we won't know unless we try. I'll suck you off and you can...you know." Nagisa squirms in Rei's lap.

Ah, so that's what Nagisa's playing at. "I don't know if I feel comfortable engaging in anilingus."

"Aw, but I cleaned myself super good in the shower after practice," Nagisa informs him. "And I got lube that tastes like bananas."

Rei considers this for a moment, on the precipice of caving. He likes making Nagisa happy, after all; there's a ninety-seven percent chance that he'll give in eventually, so logically, it'll save time if he just agrees to it now.

"I've been practicing blow jobs," Nagisa casually informs him. "With freeze pops. I can get 'em all the way to the back now. Without gagging."

The first time Nagisa had gagged during oral sex had been...memorable. Rei was horrified of vomit, for several reasons, so they'd ended up having to stop, Nagisa crying and Rei having to assure him that he still thought he was sexy, even though he kind of a little bit didn't, at least until two hours later when Nagisa had jumped him in the middle of Who Framed Roger Rabbit.

"Fine," Rei relents.

Nagisa reacts as enthusiastically as expected. Rei's naked on the bed in minutes, cardigan discarded without a second thought. He watches as Nagisa strips for him, humming and swaying his hips as he sheds his penguin t-shirt and khaki shorts.

Rei isn't one to think things are cute. Nagisa's the exception. When he takes off his neon orange boxers, Rei groans a little, feeling his own erection grow at the sight of Nagisa's. He's both cute and sexy at the same time.

Nagisa gets out his phallic fruit flavoured lube and sniffs it before squirting some on his hand and passing the tube to Rei. As Nagisa climbs up to straddle Rei's chest, offering a perfect view of his petite, toned ass, Rei can't remember why he was against this idea.

Rei gasps as Nagisa's hand closes around his cock, sliding up and down his length to coat him in lube. Rei busies himself with his own task, dribbling lube onto his fingers and spreading Nagisa's cheeks apart so he can slick up Nagisa's entrance. If anilingus doesn't work, Rei can always resort to fingering him. That should turn out satisfactorily enough. He likes having a back-up plan. 

Nagisa's hand returns to the base of Rei's erection, and then he's inside Nagisa's hot, wet mouth. He feels his face flush and tentatively leans forward, determined to keep up. He closes his eyes, carefully pressing his tongue to Nagisa's rim. It isn't as bad as he thought. It really does taste like bananas. Rei moves his tongue further inside, producing a moan from Nagisa that reverberates through his throat and around Rei's cock.

Rei decides that the results of the sixty-nine position are quite pleasing. 

Nagisa's efforts become sloppier as he starts moaning more frequently, but Rei doesn't mind. He pretends he's giving Nagisa a kiss, licking long after the last trace of banana flavour is gone, relishing Nagisa's cries and the way he squirms against Rei's chest. Rei has to hold Nagisa's hips quite firmly to keep him from grinding down on his face.

"Rei-chan," Nagisa yells, "fuck me HARD!" 

And then he's pulling away, turning around so he can face Rei and bestride his hips, reaching behind him to grasp Rei's trickling erection and guide it up against his entrance. Rei likes this view even better than the one before; the way Nagisa gazes down at him with sex-crazed eyes, blond hair mussed, his pale, tight body and flushed, dripping cock just begging to be taken. He's the most beautiful creature Rei has ever seen.

Nagisa sinks down with a shuddering squelch and a deliciously sexy groan. Rei holds Nagisa's legs, keeping still so Nagisa has time to adjust to his size. 

"Tonight we ride!" Nagisa giggles, raising one arm up in the charge.

"I am not a horse," Rei patiently tells him. 

"Aw, Rei-chan, you're no fun," Nagisa says, leaning forward to kiss him.

"You seemed like you were having fun a minute ago."

"I was. It was amazing," Nagisa breathes. He places his hands on Rei's chest, getting back into a sitting position. Then slowly, carefully, Nagisa starts to roll his hips. It doesn't take long to find his sweet spot. 

"Ohh, god..." Nagisa moans, "Yes, yes!"

Rei blushes. Usually Nagisa has to keep his voice down in case Rei's neighbors hear, but today he can be as loud as he wants. And Nagisa's pornographic cries do things to Rei, things that make him forget himself, where he is, how he should behave, pretty much everything except pleasuring Nagisa. He bucks his hips up again and again, watching sex-drunk Nagisa get closer to his orgasm.

Nagisa leans back, supporting himself on Rei's thighs, the angle allowing Rei to thrust up even deeper inside of him. Thick drops of precum pearl and glitter at Nagisa's tip before dripping onto Rei's stomach. Even Nagisa's bodily fluids can be beautiful.

"Rei, oh god, REI," Nagisa screams, raking one hand through his own hair and tossing his head back. "OH GOD I'M COMING!!"

Nagisa arches his back, body wracked with the force of his orgasm, string after string of come squeezing from him and washing hotly across Rei's chest. Rei keeps thrusting into him, on the verge of following him over the edge, when the bedroom door slams open.

"Nagi-" the speaker's voice, a female voice, trails off in a strangled sound. In the three seconds of silence that follow, Rei envisions exactly how he'd like to kill himself. 

"OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!" 

"GET OUT OF HERE, YOU BITCH!" Nagisa shouts back, his voice shrill. Rei can't see which sister it is, because his glasses are off, and he can never keep their names straight anyway, but he's pretty sure it's the youngest one.

Then she's off like a shot, thundering down the hallway, calling for her parents.

"It's pretty obvious what we're doing," Rei whispers uselessly at her rapidly retreating back, because he doesn't know what else to do.

Nagisa's shaking as he pulls off of Rei, crossing the room to shut the door. "It's gonna be okay," he says, looking for his shorts on the floor. "It'll be fine. God, I can't believe they're home already..."

Rei has the unsettling, persistent feeling that it will be neither okay nor fine, because Nagisa's clearly lying through his teeth when he says it, and he can hear heavy footsteps racing up the stairs toward Nagisa's room. 

"I'm sure it will be," he assures Nagisa, pulling on his clothes faster than he ever has in his life, ending up with his shirt on backwards and his boxers inside out.

"Nagisa," says a deep male voice from outside the door, "get out here this minute."

"Coming," Nagisa squeaks, struggling to pull his shorts up.

"I'll take responsibility," Rei tells him, because he read that in a book somewhere once. Or maybe it was in one of Nagisa's mangas.

Nagisa pecks Rei gently on the lips. "I don't want you to. You should go home."

Nagisa's father bangs on the door hard enough to make it shake. "Now, Nagisa! I will break this damn door down."

"I love you," Nagisa says to Rei, his voice choking up.

"I love you, too. I'm sorry."

Nagisa paints a huge, innocent smile on his face and opens the door. "Hi, dad!"

Hazuki-san's eyes travel back and forth from Nagisa's sex hair to Rei's disordered clothing. Even if they didn't look completely frumpled and guilty, Rei figures he'd be able to smell it in the air. Sex leaves a very distinct odor.

"You should leave, Ryuugazaki. I'd like to speak to my son."

"Yes, sir." Rei gives him a stiff bow and collects his school bag and glasses from the floor. 

Hazuki-san glares at him as he passes. "I'll be calling your mother after this."

"Yes, sir."

"Bye, Rei-chan," Nagisa sings at him, fake cheer ringing in his voice. And then the door closes. 

Rei shoves his glasses on his face and puts on his backpack, doing up all the buckles, pretending he can't hear the muffled yelling coming from his boyfriend's room. Rei walks down the hall and gets to the top of the stairs to find Nagisa's mother and three sisters standing at the bottom, looking at him. He fixes his eyes on his feet, dragging his leaden legs down the steps one at a time. He didn't have time to get his socks.

Nobody says a thing. 

Rei heads toward the front door and puts on his shoes. He doesn't want to be rude, so he turns and says good-bye. One of Nagisa's sisters might have replied, but Rei isn't listening. He leaves.  
When he gets outside, he can still hear Nagisa's father shouting through the window above the driveway.

Rei starts to run.

He sprints, rather, not pacing himself at all. He has to stop to catch his breath after about ten blocks, hands on his knees, examining the cracks webbing across the sidewalk. He feels numb. He tries not to think, focusing on his breathing. 

He jogs the rest of the way home, trying to burn off some of his anxiety.

Rei takes out his keys (complete with butterfly keychain, courtesy of Nagisa) to open the front door, but discovers it's already unlocked. His mother's shoes are in their place on the shoe rack, too. What is she doing home this early?

Rei could kick himself. He forgot; it's Thursday, his mother had today off. And now it's eight o'clock. He hasn't checked his cell phone in hours; she's probably sent him multiple texts, wondering where he is. 

He can hear her voice coming from the kitchen. She must be on the phone. Maybe Rei can make it to his room without her seeing him. As if that would make things any better; he knows he's going to have to face her eventually. Still, he hasn't had time to prepare for this discussion. He creeps slowly past the kitchen door.

"-about my son like that," Rei hears his mother say. Her voice is sharp. "I will speak to him. Yes. Yes. He won't. Good day." The phone beeps as his mother hangs up, clicking the handset down on its base.

Rei's stomach feels worse than it did the time Nagisa made him a bento for lunch. He can deduct who that phone call was from.

"Rei? Is that you?" The kitchen door opens.

"I..." Rei swallows the lump rising in his throat, struggling to remain calm. "Yes."

Rei's mother stands before him, her arms crossed; expression unreadable. "I just got a call from Nagisa's mother," she says.

"I have to go study!" Rei blurts, starting for his bedroom. He can't do this. He can feel himself starting to panic.

"Wait," his mother says, grabbing his arm. Her grip isn't strong, but she so seldom touches him that it's potent all the same. Rei can't look at her. Tears are starting to prick the corners of his eyes. He has to get away from her before he sees the disappointment on her face.

"Rei, look at me."

"I...I can't," he says, the tears starting to flow down his face. And then his mother is in front of him, arms around him, patting his hair soothingly. 

Hugging him. The last time he remembers his mother hugging him like this was when he got back from his trip to visit his father. That was years ago.

So Rei cries, letting his chin rest on his mother's shoulder, hunched over because he's several inches taller than her. "I'm sorry," he hiccups.

"You have nothing to be sorry for," she says fiercely, rubbing his back gently. "I'm proud of you no matter what."

Rei sniffles, wiping his nose on the sleeve of his cardigan. "Even though I'm gay?"

His mother pulls away so she can look up into Rei's eyes. He tries to blink the tears out of them. He must look absolutely disgusting.

"Rei," she says. "I've known you were gay since you were thirteen."

"Y-you have? How? I didn't even know."

She chuckles. "Mothers know these things about their children. Well, some mothers." 

Rei guesses she's referring to Nagisa's mother.

"They were really mad, mom." More tears are coming, even though he doesn't want them to.

"I gathered that," she says, voice clipped. "You must be worried about him."

Rei tries to take a calming breath, but it gets caught in his throat. He just nods.

"I know," his mother says, squeezing his shoulder. "Nagisa-kun is a tough boy. I'm sure he'll be okay. Have you had dinner yet?"

He shakes his head.

"Come eat," she says in her sensible mom voice. "I'll make you some barley tea."

Rei thinks it's unfair that Nagisa's parents are so blatantly upset when his own mother is calm and accepting of the whole situation. He spends the evening watching the news with his mom, cell phone in hand, waiting for a text from Nagisa that never comes.

 

 

Nagisa cries into his pillow for a while after his dad finally leaves. He's not really sad; no, he's pissed. His parents took his phone away, and his laptop, and basically forbid him from ever seeing Rei-chan again outside of school. 

They are allowing him to finish up his year on the swim team, at least, since it's almost over. So he's got that going for him.

Nagisa rolls onto his back. FUCK. He can't even remember the last time he was this mad. Maybe it was when they tried to get him to quit swimming back in second year. He hates them sometimes. No, he doesn't. He doesn't mean that. Although he's going to pay nee-chan back ten-fold for telling on him. That bitch.

"AAARGH," he yells at the ceiling. His dad took his phone before he could text Rei-chan. Rei is probably worried sick right now, thinking all of this is his fault. Rei's doubtlessly in trouble, too, since Nagisa's dad said he was going to tell Rei's mom.

The thing that makes Nagisa the most furious, though, is how his father had tried to blame everything on Rei. He'd made it sound like Rei was a lecherous pervert who tricked Nagisa down the road of sexual deviancy. No matter what Nagisa said, his dad refused to listen to him, continuing his assault on Rei's character. Nagisa was pretty sure after awhile that his dad couldn't even hear him.

Nagisa is tired of being the youngest child, tired of being treated like a kid, like he's some kind of innocent, delicate rose bud that needs to be protected from everything. He's not like that, and it's time his family knew it. He's the one who initiated things with Rei, he's the one with all of the ideas and suggestions (well, most of them.) He wasn't even a virgin when he'd met Rei.

Since his parents are already as angry as he's ever seen them, Nagisa barely even thinks about the consequences of sneaking out. He packs a duffle bag with his wallet and clothes, mostly underwear, and tosses it out of the window into the driveway before scrambling down the rainspout after it. He's done this countless times before.

Nagisa picks up his bag, running down the street until his house is out of view. He considers his options. He can't go to Rei's- they'll suspect that first off, and also, Rei might be in trouble. He needs to go somewhere that he can borrow a phone. He realizes that without his cell, he doesn't even know Rei's number.

Haru's it is. Haru lives alone, won't ask too many questions, and also happens to have a phone with Rei's number programmed into it. Perfect.

Nagisa's not going to let his parents stop him from being with Rei-chan. He'll move in with Haru if it comes to that. He loves Rei.

Nothing can tear us apart, he tells himself.

The wind picks up, chilly at this time of night. Nagisa finds himself wishing he had a cardigan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SORRY I WILL BE IN MY GARBAGE HEAP AT [rosaveritas.tumblr.com](http://rosaveritas.tumblr.com/)


	3. Pictures of You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He can't get his mind to shut up. He's mad at his parents, wounded by the mean things they said, and above all, he's worried about Rei-chan. He can't wait to see him tomorrow at school to tell him in person that everything is going to be okay. 
> 
> He doesn't sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because Haru totally plays Skyrim.

"Haruuuu-chan!"

Nagisa bangs on the door again, louder.

"Let me in! I know you're-"

The door flies open, Haru's face cast in shadow by the light flooding out of the house behind him. He's naked except for a towel wrapped about his hips, hair wet. He says nothing.

Nagisa bounds past him, tossing his duffle bag onto the floor of the entryway. "I'm staying here for a while."

"Why?"

"Because I want to," Nagisa says firmly. He so does not want to talk about it. 

Haru's a total champ for not asking anymore questions, retrieving Nagisa a pillow and blanket for his bed on the couch. Nagisa waits until he's done that before asking, since he doesn't want to be rude. 

"Can I see your phone for a sec?"

Haru pauses for a second, thinking. "It's at work."

"Seriously? Are you fucking kidding me?" Sometimes the universe is a jackass.

"No. I forgot it."

Nagisa wants to pull his own hair in frustration. "You better have snacks, then. And mackerel is not a snack." 

"I have popcorn."

"I guess it'll do," Nagisa mumbles, changing into his pajamas right in the middle of the living room. He should have grabbed clean ones, not the crumpled ones from under his bed, but he hadn't exactly been concentrating.

Haru makes the huffy sound that means he's irritated.

"I don't wanna go all the way to the bathroom," Nagisa whines, "And you've seen this a zillion times."

Haru's been an absolute pill since he broke up with Makoto. Even mopier and obstinate than usual, like that green puppet that lives in the trash can. Well, Nagisa thinks of it as a break-up, but they hadn't officially been together. Haru had dropped the ball on that one- anyone could see that Makoto was head over heels for him. Nagisa (and everyone else) had kind of assumed they were boning the whole time. 

But it turned out they hadn't been, because Haru was stubborn and Makoto was a coward (in Nagisa's humble opinion,) and then they'd had that huge fight at the obon festival that they'd never recovered from. Makoto had moved to Tokyo for university a couple weeks after that. 

Nagisa texted him regularly for the first few months, but gradually Makoto's answers had been shorter and further apart; they'd run out of things to talk about, considering Makoto always tried to avoid discussing Haru, and it didn't take long before they'd stopped talking altogether. 

Nagisa was rather pissed the day he found out Makoto had unfriended him on Facebook, though. After he'd so generously filled his newsfeed with all those pictures of Haru, since Haru didn't have a profile of his own. That ungrateful dick.

Wait a minute...Facebook!

"Haru, where's your laptop?"

"My room."

"Can I borrow it? To send Rei a message?"

Haru sighs. "Sure," he says, walking toward his bedroom. 

He comes back out a few minutes later in boxers and an orange t-shirt that looks a couple sizes too big for him. Nagisa knows he's seen that shirt before, on the person it actually fits, but he doesn't say anything.

"Here," Haru says, handing Nagisa his laptop.

Nagisa sits cross-legged on the couch, flipping the lid open. The background is the standard tropical beach shot that comes preloaded with new computers. Figures. If Haru ever expressed his personality in a way that wasn't water related, the world might implode.

Typing furiously, Nagisa brings up his Facebook profile and sends Rei a quick message, letting him know where he is. He doesn't expect a reply anytime soon, since Rei seldom checks social media, but he lingers for a while, sifting through Rei's photos to find the ones where he's actually aware of the camera and prepared with a smile. 

Damn, he's hot. Nagisa misses him already.

A quick glance at Haru reveals he's not paying attention to Nagisa's activities; his eyes are trained on the small television in the corner, playstation controller in hand, scrolling through the startup menu.

Hmm...Nagisa presses the search history button. Online banking, some recipe websites, nothing special. Until he finds the RedTube links. 

Holy mother of god. Nagisa checks to make sure Haru's still absorbed in his game before settling in to dig up some dirt.

Lucky for Nagisa, it looks like Haru hasn't taken the time to clear his history since he bought the laptop. It's fucking crammed full of porn. Nagisa's equal parts shocked and delighted at this discovery. This is like Christmas for him. It's at least enough to take his mind off of his own problems. For a while.

He mutes the volume and clicks one of the most recent searches. He doesn't have a clue what kind porn Haru likes; he's expecting something simple, vanilla; cursory love-making. Perhaps with a big guy who resembles Makoto a little.

So forgive him if he's stunned by what pops up. Further investigation shows that most of the choices are similar in taste; one man tethered to the bed, completely immobilized, while another fucks the living shit out of him with various implements until he's a whimpering mess. Nagisa was right about the Makoto thing, though- Haru seems to have a thing for a certain seme actor who looks an awful lot like him.

"Oh, Haru," Nagisa murmurs under his breath. What is Haru doing to himself? He's so obviously in love with Makoto. So this is what he does with his life these days. Sleeps, works, jerks off thinking about the one that got away...it sounds miserable. He hardly ever swims anymore, either. 

Nagisa finds himself pitying Haru; what he's going through seems like a breeze in comparison. It's only a matter of time before Nagisa's parents come around- everyone loves Rei-chan, after all. Okay, maybe Nagisa's view of him doesn't match up with reality, but Rei is a smart, reliable person, and anyone who takes the time to get to know him will love him, no question. And until that time, he knows  
he has Rei to talk to about things.

Haru doesn't talk to anyone about anything important. Nagisa understands it a bit, because he's a people pleaser and he hates making people worry for his sake, but he's got at least one person to tell everything to. That's why Nagisa feels bad for him. 

He knows Haru would kill him if he knew.

"What are you doing?" Haru asks, startling Nagisa out of his thoughts.

"N-Nothing," he replies, closing the current window.

Haru narrows his eyes.

Nagisa manages to hold it in for all of thirty seconds. "I've never seen so much porn in my life!"

"Shut up," Haru snaps. "I'm not letting you touch my computer again."

"Awww, come on, Haru-chan! It's normal; I do it. Rei-chan does it."

Haru glares. Nagisa thinks his cheeks look a touch pink.

"Don't be embarrassed," Nagisa says, trying to soothe him.

"I'm not. I'm annoyed."

"I'm sorry," Nagisa says, making his eyes wide and innocent.

Haru turns back to his game, satisfied with the false display of regret. Nagisa knows he needs to learn when to stop. But this is too good to leave alone.

"I didn't peg you as a masochist." 

"Get out."

Whoops. Too far. "No, no, I'll be good! I promise."

Nagisa spends the rest of the night eating popcorn covered in melted chocolate chips, which he found at the back of Haru's cupboard. The pack was half used and had expired months ago, but it tastes more or less okay. He eats even though he's not hungry, watching Haru fight dragons and run around collecting potion ingredients. 

Any other time, Nagisa would have considered it a fun evening. But after Haru's gone to bed (taking his laptop with him) and Nagisa's spread out on the couch, hugging the pillow to his chest, his father's yelling plays over and over again in his head.

He can't get his mind to shut up. He's mad at his parents, wounded by the mean things they said, and above all, he's worried about Rei-chan. He can't wait to see him tomorrow at school to tell him in person that everything is going to be okay. 

He doesn't sleep.

 

 

When Nagisa doesn't show up to school the next day, Rei panics. He wonders what could have happened- what if Nagisa's father is making him transfer schools? That doesn't make any sense. There are only three weeks left before they graduate.

Still, Rei has trouble focusing on his work. He can't shake the feeling that something terrible happened to Nagisa. His parents are incredibly strict about his studies. This has to be Rei's fault. They must want to keep him away from Nagisa. Rei feels sick.

He's not proud of himself for it, but he asks to be excused in the middle of algebra, smuggling his phone with him to the washroom.

He tries phoning Nagisa. It rings several times, and then a deep voice answers. It's not Nagisa's.

"Um, h-hello, this is Rei, I'm just calling to-"

"Don't call this number again."

"I understand, but could you please tell me-"

Click. Nagisa's father hangs up.

Rei tries to steady his breathing. He stares at the phone in his hand, noticing he has a text message. He suspects it's probably not from Nagisa.

 

Nanase Haruka (10:04): i'm off of work at six tonight. you need to call me.

 

Rei's starting to get a stress headache. He doesn't remember Haruka-senpai asking him to call before. This has to be something serious. Furthermore, there's now absolutely no chance of absorbing anything from today's lesson.

It's the longest day of his life. He sits with Gou at lunch, listening to her suggestions for their last swim club event. Later on, he won't be able to remember a single one of them.

He's planning on waiting until six-thirty, to give Haru time to get from work, but he ends up calling at five after. And, uncharacteristically, Haru answers right away.

"Hello, Haruka-senpai? You wanted me to call?"

"Yes."

Rei can hear his own voice echo back at him, flooded with anxiety. "What happened? Is Nagisa-kun with you?"

"He was here last night. He's home now."

"Is he okay?"

Haru's hesitation before answering sends ice down Rei's spine.

 

 

"You'll come straight home after practice. Every day."

"Yes, dad," Nagisa chokes.

"One of your sisters can come and get you."

Nagisa nods, trying not to cry again. His eyes are still red and puffy from the last time.

His father bends down to Nagisa's sitting height, palms flat on the table. "Look at me."

Nagisa can feel the tears start again as he turns his head. He's never wanted to punch his father before. It's a scary feeling. "What."

"If you ever pull a stunt like that again, I swear to you, boy, I will disown you. You'll be out on your ass so fast your head will spin."

"Yes, dad." This time it's a broken sob.

Nagisa had been naive to think his parents would come around to the idea of his relationship with Rei. He knew they were upset, yes, but he'd thought that deep down they loved him and wanted him to be happy.

He never imagined they'd call the cops on him.

Being delivered back home by the police was the most humiliating event of his life. Hands down. He could barely even look at his parents now, especially his dad.

Nagisa's not mad anymore. He's so heartbroken that there's no room left to be angry. His parents hate him, and as much as he likes to pretend it doesn't matter to him, that he'll be with Rei anyway and forget all about them, it still hurts. Horribly. They're his parents. They're supposed to love him no matter what, the way he loves them.

Of course he cares what they think. 

He also cares that he won't be able to see Rei-chan again outside of school for the rest of the year.

Everything will be better tomorrow, when he gets to see Rei during class. All he wants to do is hug his boyfriend tightly and tell him everything's fine; to hear from him that everything's fine. 

That he still wants to be together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh look I have a Tumblr I guess. Come talk to me I AM LONELY. [rosaveritas.tumblr.com](http://rosaveritas.tumblr.com/)


	4. Take My Breath Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Go fuck yourself, Rei," he sobs. "You have no clue what it's been like for me. At least your mom still loves you!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this is the penultimate, miserable (but necessary) break-up chapter. I'm warning you. However, I have condensed it a bit because nobody wants to read pages and pages of heartbreak.
> 
> Then we've got budding OLDCODEX in the next chapter, featuring Makoto, Sousuke, and Kisumi!
> 
> I thought I'd release both chapters together so there's something fun at the end.
> 
> NOTE: For anyone who is not yet aware, OLDCODEX is the band that does the opening themes of both seasons of Free!, and their lead singer happens to be Tatsuhisa Suzuki, who also voices Makoto. 
> 
> Just to be clear, part one of this series is Can You See Me? and it deals with events ten years after this fic. It might make more sense to read that one first.

Nagisa barrels into Rei the minute he sees him. Rei wraps his arms tightly around him, so tight Nagisa almost can't breathe. He loves it. He buries his face in Rei's school blazer, smelling the utterly Rei-chan scent of fabric softener and Old Spice body wash.

"Nagisa-kun," Rei murmurs into his hair after a few moments, making no move to loosen his grip. "I'm so glad to see you. Is everything okay?"

"Yeah," Nagisa answers, and it's not really a lie because right now, encircled by Rei's strong arms, everything IS okay. "I sent you a Facebook message!"

Rei looks stricken. "Facebook," he gasps. "How could I forget about that? Of course Nagisa-kun would find a way to communicate, because he's clever and resourceful, and there I was overlooking the fact that cellular devices are not the only way to send textual transmissions-"

The way Rei mutters to himself is one of Nagisa's favourite things on Earth; it's only been two days- they've gone longer without seeing each other, but this time there was urgency, danger, and Nagisa's so overwhelmed by Rei's nattering that he's powerless to stop what happens next. He rises on his toes, body moving on its own, and presses his lips against Rei's, mid-sentence.

And people are watching. The halls are crowded with students, exchanging homework answers and discussing the latest episodes of their favourite t.v. shows, but the chatter surrounding Rei's locker seems to grind to a halt.

Nagisa pulls away like he's been burned, feeling an uncharacteristic blush on his face. He'd forgotten himself and gone too far this time. Shit. Shit, fuck, damn. Rei looks slightly dazed, eyes glassy. Nagisa thinks he might be in shock. 

"What are you all looking at?" Nagisa asks one of the girls next to him, making his voice sweet. Even with his exceptional lying skills, Nagisa doesn't think he can talk his way out of this one.

"BL," she breathes, eyes wide, like a fawn. Several other people are staring, too. "Oh my god. It's real!"

Seldom does Nagisa ever lose his words. He runs over several retorts in his head, but they're all glaringly sexual, and he's not sure how Rei wants to proceed with this situation except that's it's probably not through the use of innuendos. All Nagisa knows is that for the second time in almost as many days, he's royally fucked himself in the ass. In the bad way.

Then Rei clears his throat. "What's BL?"

As unhelpful as it's possible to be. Nagisa makes a mental note to lend Rei some of his yaoi mangas later. Not the fluffy plot crap, either- the hardcore doujinshis. The good shit. Nagisa feels like laughing, because he's basically in a bad BL right now. Or some kind of tragic pro-rights film. Wait.

"THE DRAMA CLUB!" Nagisa yells with unbridled glee, inspiration washing over him like a flood. "A skit! I'm getting Rei-chan to help me with a skit!"

"A BL skit?" the girl asks, intrigued. "You're allowed to do that?"

"When will it be?" another girl interrupts. "I want to see it!"

"Me too!" A small clique of flushed, starry-eyed girls is now forming around them, pressing for more information.

Nagisa's aware of Rei shifting uncomfortably behind him. Rei hates crowded spaces, and he interacts worse with teenage girls than with most people. Nagisa's pretty sure they scare the crap out of him.

"Oh, it's gonna be on the last day of school," Nagisa chirps, stepping forward into the group of girls to give Rei a chance to escape. Nagisa doesn't appreciate the way many of them are eying up his boyfriend, who at this point is the same shade as a Gala apple, glasses slipping down his nose as he fumbles through the textbooks in his school bag.

"It'll be after classes are over, outside under the sakura trees," Nagisa tells his audience. Thank god for joining the drama club this year. Thank god for dumb, yaoi-loving schoolgirls. Thank god for...fuck. The drama club president stands against a locker on the other side of the hallway, eyes narrowed in Nagisa's direction. He'll know every word is a lie. Which means that sooner or later, everyone will. Unless Nagisa can persuade him otherwise.

Nagisa's never been so pleased to hear the school bell ring. As everyone hurries off toward their respective classrooms, Nagisa catches snippets of their whispering, and he and Rei seem to feature in a lot of people's conversations. 

"Rei-chan, I'm so sorry," he says, jogging to keep up with Rei's long-legged stride. "I don't know what I was thinking."

"It's fine," Rei answers, fixing his glasses. His voice is sincere. Rei isn't really the misleading type, anyway. "I was just...intimidated by having such a large audience."

"But hundreds of people watch us swim!"

Rei blushes as they enter their classroom. "I know, but that's different. I'm prepared for that."

"I'm sorry," Nagisa reiterates. He actually is.

Rei gives him a small smile, setting his books on his desk and slipping into his chair. "Tell me what BL is."

"Boys' Love," Nagisa says, sitting at his place a few spaces back from Rei. He can see Rei's ears go red as he marks something down in his notebook. Nagisa wonders what it is; Rei never lets him see it. One day he intends to kidnap that thing and have a good, long look at the inner workings of Rei's mind. 

Class goes by at its usual, mind-numbingly boring pace. It's not that Nagisa isn't smart, or that he's bad at school by any means. It's that he just doesn't care about math or geography or whatever. His mind craves something more stimulating, something exciting. On most days, Nagisa likes to spend the majority of class time scheming different ways of making Rei blush (most of them taking place in bed,) but today, all he can think about is how much trouble he's in, now not only with his father, but with the drama club president as well. 

And he's going to have to go straight home after school. Having to sit so close to Rei-chan all day without being able to touch him or speak to him seems like a colossal mistake on the universe's part. It's the worst torture. Nagisa spends the next three hours trying to count the hair on the nape of Rei's neck, getting distracted by how silky and smooth it looks, always ruffled no matter what Rei does with it, constantly giving him the appearance of some kind of curious bird. Nagisa wants nothing more than to run his hands through those beautiful inky indigo locks.

It makes Nagisa smile thinking how despite Rei's devotion to all things logical and scientific, he continued to dye his hair one of the most illogical colours for hair to be. It was one of the many contradictions in Rei's character that made him so damn fascinating. Nagisa had spent most of the last few years trying to figure Rei out (why, for example, had such a logical guy jumped into the pool at Samezuka when he didn't even know how to swim? Why??) but every time he thought he'd finally puzzled something out, a new thing would emerge that was even more confusing than the last. 

Nagisa thinks Rei-chan is like a fucking Rubik's cube, twirling and spinning in a flash of bright colour that doesn't appear to be in any order at all, except it is, it's a complex mathematical formula. Nagisa could spend the rest of his life working on clicking everything into place, trying to solve a problem that doesn't seem to have an answer, yet he'll never get bored no matter how long spends on it. 

A beautiful, dorky, brightly-coloured, multi-faceted Rubik's cube. There is no better way to explain Rei-chan. Nagisa giggles at his own brilliant metaphor. At least thinking about Rei was enough to ease the slight ache Nagisa's held in his chest for the past few days. He doesn't want to think about the joyless evening ahead of him at home.

Mercifully, lunch time comes around before Nagisa's thoughts can travel too far down that road. He walks with Rei to fetch their lunches, listening to Rei's animated chatter about the math lesson they'd just had (of which Nagisa quite proudly remembers nothing.) Rei's voice comes to an abrupt stop when they come close enough to see the state of his locker.

F A G G O T D I E

Rei stares at the huge letters scratched into the paint. Nagisa's heart drops into his stomach. They're targeting Rei-chan. Because of him.

"I can't believe somebody would vandalize school property," Rei says stiffly, opening his locker and getting out his food. "They're going to be in trouble."

"Yeah," Nagisa manages around his dry tongue. "Somebody's in huge trouble." 

Except I think it's us, Rei-chan.

 

The last few weeks of their final year in high-school are by no means easy. They're not even "mildly difficult." The bullying intensifies, especially after Hiro-chan (the scumbag) makes it clear to the rest of the school that no, the drama club is not putting on an end of year BL skit. Nagisa comes to school one day to find his desk desecrated with permanent marker. Hairy dick drawings, how original. Nagisa can handle the bullying directed at him, he's even somehow putting up with his strict Rei-chanless routine at home. What he can't stand is watching what his classmates are doing to Rei.

Rei's clothes somehow end up strewn across the floor of the boys' showers during gym class, forcing him to spend the rest of the day in his gym shorts (which Nagisa doesn't mind, but it definitely only adds fuel to the fire.) Then one of his textbooks goes missing from his desk, turning up next period with horrible phrases scribbled all over it and pages torn out. The look on Rei's face nearly shatters Nagisa's heart.

"I had all my notes written in the margins," Rei says thickly. He looks pale, like he hasn't been sleeping. Nagisa isn't sure if it's because of the bullying or because he's been staying up too late studying. Likely both. Nagisa hasn't been getting enough sleep lately either, laying awake, wondering what Rei's doing at home and wishing he could text him. And they haven't had a sexual interaction in weeks. Not even a kiss.

"It'll be fine," Nagisa says for the millionth time, automatically, more for himself than Rei.

Rei shakes his head, hands balled into fists at his side. "It won't be fine," he snaps. "I need those pages back so I can study!"

"Rei-chan..."

"How can you keep saying everything's fine when it's clearly not? Everything is the opposite of fine! It's awful!" Rei's voice is laden with emotion now, anger, hurt, as he shoves his glasses up on his face with a shaking hand.

In that moment, Nagisa feels something crumble inside him. "So you're mad at me too? How is this my fault?"

"If you hadn't kissed me in front of-" Rei stops before he's completed the sentence, eyes widening in horror, but it's too late. The damage is done. Rei has been the one and only good thing about Nagisa's life for the past few weeks, and it turns out he's been sore about that the whole time. Nagisa cracks.

"FUCK YOU," he screams, not caring who hears. And then the tears come, pouring down his face like a waterfall, the cruelty in his own words ringing in his ears. He can't take them back. Right now, he doesn't want to. The plug on his emotions has been ripped out, and now all the anger and hurt he feels at his parents, at his classmates, at the world comes gushing out, directed at the wrong person.

"Go fuck yourself, Rei," he sobs. "You have no clue what it's been like for me. At least your mom still loves you!"

"Nagis-"

"SHUT UP! I'm not done talking!" Part of him wants Rei to shut him up, to wrap his arms around him and tell him to be quiet. To take care of him and let him cry. Rei just stands there, brow slightly furrowed, like he doesn't know what he's looking at. It only spurs Nagisa on.

"I wish every day that I was a girl so I could be with you out in public. I know you want to keep me a secret. 'Cause that's what I am, some gross, disgusting dirty secret that everyone likes to pretend doesn't exist. Guess what, Rei? I get enough of that shit at home. So don't worry about it anymore. We're done." 

Nagisa's voice is hoarse at the end of it, a dull white pain starting behind his eyes. He wants Rei to argue with him, to tell him that no, they're not fucking done, that it's okay he's not a girl and that he doesn't mind being with Nagisa in public.

"If that's how you feel," Rei chokes, eyes fixed on his shoes. And then he's gone.

 

Nagisa spends the short break before college starts alone in his room, spending more time crying than studying, repeating his own angry words over and over. He's sickened by how much he reminded himself of his father while he was yelling. 

Every fiber of his being wants to see Rei, to go back to that moment and apologize, to do something different, to call back the words and force them back down his throat. At the same time, he's pissed off at Rei for never saying anything, for ignoring him at lunch their last few days at school. Now that the year's ended and he hasn't seen Rei in over a week, it's starting to set in that they really have broken up. Rei is gone. They won't even be going to the same university, because Nagisa's parents refuse to pay for him to go to one that far away. They want him to live close to home, where they can keep an eye on him.

The realization that he'll never be with Rei again, never touch him, never hear his proud laugh or his whispered "I love you," never again make love to him...it makes Nagisa lose his appetite. Food turns to ashes in his mouth. He lives in a house with five other people, but nobody notices when he starts to lose weight, weight he can't afford to lose. Nobody notices that his laugh isn't real anymore. Nagisa doesn't know how to ask for the help he desperately needs. He wonders if this is what it feels like to drown.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone needs me I'll be over at [rosaveritas.tumblr.com](http://rosaveritas.tumblr.com/) crying about ReiGisa


	5. Walk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You might wanna slow down," Sousuke advises him.
> 
> Makoto shakes his head, giving Sousuke a wide smile. Let him figure that one out. "You were right before. Sometimes it's good to let loose."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is woefully unedited. I just wanted to get it up. *Laughs at own penis joke*
> 
> The song Makoto sings here is [Walk](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKJcrmnVhT8) by OLDCODEX. I reiterate: this is _literally_ Makoto (Tatsuhisa Suzuki) singing.

"Sorry?" Makoto says, pulling out one of his earbuds. "I didn't quite catch that."

"I'm going out tonight with a friend," his roommate says, lounging next to the door of their shared dorm room. "Want to come?"

They've lived together the whole year, but only recently has Yamazaki begun to start conversations with him. The first two months Makoto spent completely intimidated by the huge, gruff guy who seldom spoke. Since then they'd grown into somewhat of a comfortable silence. Makoto was actually rather relieved that his roommate didn't seek much conversation, mostly because Makoto didn't often feel like talking these days, and also because it slightly reminded him of somebody.

"Where are you going?"

"I dunno yet. Probably out for sushi, to celebrate the end of our first year." Yamazaki smiles faintly at Makoto. "You should come."

Makoto gets asked places quite often, usually by girls from the various clubs he's a part of, but he's generally too busy to go out. He's also not interested in girls. He'd been planning on spending his free time tonight watching a movie on his laptop, but it would be rude to turn Yamazaki down, since they're roommates, and since Yamazaki so rarely speaks first.

"I can come," Makoto says. He feels genuinely happy to be asked. "Thank you for inviting me."

"No problem. I noticed you don't get out much."

"Huh? But I'm hardly ever here."

"Coordinating activities for six different clubs- or is it seven?- working, and studying in the library. Doesn't count as going out."

Makoto's surprised Yamazaki remembers all of that. "Yeah, well, it's good to keep busy," he says, rubbing the back of his neck.

"It's good to let loose sometimes, too," Yamazaki says, opening the door. "Let's go."

Makoto grabs his jacket and follows. 

 

"This is Shigino Kisumi," Yamazaki says, leading Makoto up to the restaurant, where a pink-haired man leans against the building, a cigarette resting between his fingers.

"Hi," Shigino says, waving. "Hang on, lemme finish up."

Makoto finds himself staring as Shigino takes another puff and grinds the butt out on the sidewalk. Makoto doesn't know anyone who smokes. It doesn't smell very pleasant.

"Want one?" Shigino asks, pulling a pack out of his pocket. 

"Oh, I don't smoke," Makoto answers in a rush, hoping it doesn't sound rude. "But thank you for offering."

"Wow, he's super polite," Shigino chuckles, looking at Yamazaki. "I can't believe he hangs out with you, Sousuke."

"Shut up," Yamazaki says, holding the door open for them. Makoto follows Shigino inside, wondering faintly if he's going to regret this decision. But he doesn't have long for retrospection, because Shigino pulls some kind of flirtatious wizardry on the hostess and they are led to a table promptly after entering the building.

"I was thinking we could eat and then go out for karaoke," Shigino explains as he takes the seat beside Yamazaki, leaving Makoto by himself on the opposite side of the table. Karaoke sounds kind of fun. 

"That sounds lame," Yamazaki says.

"You're coming," Shigino replies, rolling his eyes. He reminds Makoto of Nagisa a little, albeit an older, less child-like version.

"I think it sounds like a good idea," Makoto says supportively. Makoto likes singing, and he hasn't done karaoke in ages.

Shigino beams. "I love this guy already. Wait, what's your name again?"

"Tachibana Makoto."

"Hang on a sec- Coach Tachibana, right? You work at the pool?"

"Yes, on weekends," Makoto says, surprised. He can't remember seeing Shigino there... "Oh! Is Hayato-kun your little brother?"

"Sure is," Shigino preens. "He's always talking about how cool you are."

Makoto blushes at the compliment, smiling. "I don't really have to do much. He's a great kid."

"Don't sell yourself short. He was terrified of swimming before you."

"I know how he felt. I told him to start with backstroke, so he could look at the sky. It's what I used to do." Makoto twists his napkin between his fingers, trying to stamp down his shyness.

"You used to be scared of swimming?" Shigino asks. "Why?"

"What are you ordering, Kisumi?" Yamazaki cuts in, shoving an open menu in front of his face. Makoto's grateful for it, but now Yamazaki's brilliant turquoise eyes are focused on him. His intense stare makes Makoto nervous. He can never tell what he's thinking.

They order and receive their food, Shigino rambling on about the basketball team and girl trouble he's having, Yamazaki adding the occasional sarcastic remark, Makoto content just to listen to them. He forgot how much he missed the interaction between close friends, and he's having a good time being near it. Then he's shocked out of his thoughts.

"-found yourself a man yet?" Shigino asks around a mouthful of food.

"Nah," Yamazaki says. "I'm not really looking to."

"I thought you went home with that dude from the art club last time."

"Yeah, so? We just had sex."

Makoto almost chokes on his sashimi. Yamazaki's gay?? Makoto wouldn't have guessed that in a million years.

"You're such a player."

"You're one to talk," Yamazaki shoots back.

Makoto coughs into his napkin.

"Aw, look, we killed him," Shigino laughs.

"No, no," Makoto says. It comes out as a croak. "I'm fine."

Shigino's eyes narrow. "You have a problem with homos?"

"Kisumi," Yamazaki warns.

Makoto feels the blood rush into his cheeks. "No. I...I don't have a problem with...that." Oh god. His face is on fire.

"Are you a homo?"

"Shut up, Kisumi," Yamazaki snaps. "You're being rude."

Makoto hides his face behind his hands. Yamazaki's gay. He can't get over it. This whole time, sleeping in the bed across the room from Makoto's, he's been interested in men. All those nights he hadn't come back to the dorm, he'd been sleeping with men. Makoto feels weird. 

"I think I am," he blurts. He's wanted to tell somebody for so long, somebody who isn't Nagisa, somebody who doesn't know about Haru, and here, suddenly, he's own roommate, the comfortable, quiet Yamazaki, is gay and might possibly understand what he's going through. It's like a miracle.

"How can you think you're- OW!" 

Makoto glances over his fingertips to see Shigino rubbing his shoulder. "P-please, you don't have to do that, Yamazaki-kun."

"Sousuke," Yamazaki says.

Makoto's blush deepens. "Sousuke. I don't mind the questions, it's alright."

Shigino sticks out his tongue at Sousuke, and Makoto almost laughs, because maybe he's not less childish than Nagisa after all. 

Makoto sips his green tea. "Um...do you really want me to answer? Is it...okay?"

"It's okay to talk about it with us," Shigino says. "And you might as well call me Kisumi, since I'm gonna call you Mako-kun whether you like it or not."

"Okay," Makoto says, smiling wide. He likes Kisumi, even if he's straightforward enough to be a little rude. "I just...I'm confused."

"About what?" Kisumi asks with legitimate curiosity, popping another piece of maki in his mouth.

Makoto takes a deep breath. "I...I'm not sure who I...what I like. I think I accidentally fell in love with my best friend."

"Nanase?" Sousuke asks. Makoto had mentioned the swim team members a lot during their first few conversations.

"...Yeah." Maybe he doesn't want to talk about this after all. "I don't think it was only him, though. I think I..." He's never actually said the words aloud to himself, let alone anyone else. "I'm gay."

This evening has gone in a very different direction than Makoto thought it would. He never expected he'd wind up telling a perfect stranger about his budding homosexuality. Yet he's surprisingly okay with it, so far. Saying the words to somebody feels good, like he's finally let go of something he's been clenching onto for years. He inhales deeply, closing his eyes.

"Have you told anyone else?" Sousuke asks, voice low.

Makoto shakes his head. He feels lighter than a balloon, maybe even a little dizzy.

"So we definitely need karaoke to celebrate," Kisumi says brightly.

"The end of the first year?" Makoto asks, confused.

"And your confession!" Kisumi cries, raising his water glass in the air.

Makoto never thought coming out was something to get excited about. Rather, he was expecting it to be painfully awkward and shameful, when and if he ever told anyone. Now here he is, sharing a delicious meal with his gay roommate and incredibly supportive new friend. It feels wonderful.

As they walk toward the karaoke place, Kisumi mentions something about stopping to get something to drink.

"You had three glasses of water," Makoto says, astounded that he's still thirsty.

Kisumi gives him the look Nagisa always gives Rei when he's said something weird. "Are you serious?"

"I'm not sure what you mean," Makoto falters. 

"What a sweetie pie," Kisumi says, glancing at Sousuke.

"He's talking about booze. You don't drink?" Sousuke's looking at him with intently again.

"Oh." Makoto feels like an idiot. He's not a total prude. He just hadn't realized, is all. "I guess I don't drink that much."

Kisumi stops them in front of a liquor store. "You two youngens stay here. I'll be right back."

"Get vodka," Sousuke says. 

"What about you, Mako-kun?"

Makoto feels a little flustered again. "Beer, I guess. I don't have much money on me-"

"Don't worry about it," Kisumi cuts in. "It's on me this time."

"Thank you very much. That's so kind."

While they wait for Kisumi to return, Sousuke crosses his arms and leans against the wall, watching Makoto. Makoto feels warm and sweaty under his scrutiny. Neither of them says anything, Makoto trying his best to avoid meeting Sousuke's eyes. He hopes it's too dark out by now for Sousuke to see how pink his cheeks must be.

"Do you do this often?" Makoto finally asks, focusing on Kisumi's pink hair bobbing through the aisles inside the store, which he can see through the huge front window.

"Yeah, pretty often, I guess," Sousuke replies, a trace of amusement in his voice. "Weekends, mostly. The drinking, not the karaoke."

"I'm honestly more excited about the karaoke," Makoto admits.

"I can tell," Sousuke says, stepping into the light spilling out from the window. Makoto never noticed before, but Sousuke's actually a tad taller than him, and he's close enough that Makoto has to tilt his head back a fraction of an inch to meet his eyes, which glitter in the light. Makoto gulps.

"Your smile might never slip, but you're easier to read than you think," Sousuke whispers, his voice low.

For a moment, Makoto wonders if Sousuke's going to kiss him. He also wonders how he feels about that. But then the shop door opens, making the bell tinkle, and Kisumi comes bounding out with a large paper bag. 

"Let's go, yo," he says, the contents of the bag sloshing and clattering as he walks. Sousuke's only a step behind him. Makoto lingers behind for a moment, trying to quell the odd tremor in his belly and calm his pulse. The exhilaration of confessing sure didn't last long. Now Makoto's more confused than ever.

On the plus side, the beer is sounding more and more appealing. By the time they make it to the karaoke place, Makoto's surpassed his previous record of two whole beers in one evening, making short work of his third.

"You might wanna slow down," Sousuke advises him.

Makoto shakes his head, giving Sousuke a wide smile. Let him figure that one out. "You were right before. Sometimes it's good to let loose."

Makoto's not sure how he does it (to be fair, he's not paying much attention at this point) but Kisumi somehow smuggles the paper bag into their karaoke room. He and Nagisa would probably be best friends if they ever met. Either that, or hate each other's guts. Kisumi might be the one person who could out-Nagisa Nagisa. Makoto laughs at his own internal joke.

Sousuke gives Makoto an apprehensive look while Kisumi gets the karaoke machine started.

"I'm going first," Kisumi announces grandly. Then he proceeds to sing a song with all the finesse of a blender full of cats, and Makoto finds he's laughing so hard he can't see straight. The alcohol certainly isn't helping, either. Kisumi doesn't seem to mind, making up his own lyrics and turning occasionally to wink at the others.

"Thank you, thank you all," he says at the end. "Four thousand yen for an autograph."

"You better stick to drums," Sousuke tells him, taking the microphone. His singing is a far cry better than Kisumi's, and he at least gets most of the lyrics right. Makoto claps when he finishes, now starting his fifth can of beer. He feels hot and hazy, in a good way. He's considering doing this more often. 

"You're up, Makoto-kun," Sousuke says, holding out the mic.

"Me?" He likes the sound of his name when Sousuke says it.

"Yeah, you." Once again, his expression is like an alien language to Makoto.

Makoto stumbles to his feet. "Okay. What song should I sing?"

"Ooh, I'll pick it," Kisumi says, jumping to his feet. "This one's from my favourite basketball anime."

Fortunately, Makoto's seen a few episodes of it and has heard the song before. "Sure."

 

Wake up fall again, attempt to whisper back  
Do you have the same dream every night? 

 

Makoto's drunk enough that he's not self-conscious about his singing, belting out the lyrics with as much gusto as he can manage. He's having a blast.

 

Keep track of little voice, left and right, upside down  
Everytime you say again, annoyed of your story 

 

He yells the last line of the song, listening to his own voice reverberate throughout the room. He turns, laughing, to see Kisumi and Sousuke both staring at him with open mouths.

"What," Makoto asks nervously, licking his lips. "Is there a spider on me?"

"That was fucking amazing," Kisumi says. 

"That was..." Sousuke pauses, searching for the right words. "Some of the best singing I've ever heard. Imagine how you'd be sober."

"I think we found a singer," Kisumi says, excited.

"I think we have to ask him first," Sousuke chides him.

"What do you think, Makoto?"

Makoto takes a moment to soak in their meaning. His stomach gurgles. "I think I'm going to throw up," he says amiably.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come yell at me at [rosaveritas.tumblr.com](http://rosaveritas.tumblr.com/)


	6. Motion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You got up early on the first day of break so you could clean puke off my shoes?” Stupid fucking angel. Sousuke’s going to tear his wings right off, feather by feather.
> 
> “Well, yeah,” he says sheepishly. “But I’m still coming to your audition.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've decided that writing text convos is my favourite thing.

Sousuke thinks Tachibana might be a real live angel. He's soft-spoken, polite, diligent at his studies, and probably the most hard-working, helpful, compassionate human being Sousuke's ever met. And to top it off, he's absolutely fucking gorgeous. People with great personalities like that are supposed to be ugly; Tachibana looks like a statue in Renaissance painting, or at least his body does. His face is a different story. With his slightly downturned eyes and easy smile, Tachibana manages to look a hundred kinds of adorable.

Normally, Sousuke has no problem with attractive guys. They're kind of his type. He'd typically have a guy with Makoto's musculature fucked and forgotten by this point. The problem is, Tachibana's his roommate. They have to see each other every day.

But it's the end of the year; Sousuke could viably ask to be placed with a different person next term. And Tachibana has just so conveniently, so innocently, offered up the fact that he's into men. Sousuke could unravel him quicker than a yo-yo, take what he wants, and be on his way.

If this were the beginning of the year, Sousuke admits to himself that yes, there would have been a good chance of him aiming to get in Tachibana's pants. Except it's no longer the beginning of the year, it's the fucking end of it, the end of a long three terms living with doting-big-brother, always-does-his-fucking-homework, joins-six-clubs-and-never-complains, constantly-dripping-in-cute-girls goddamn Tachibana.

Sousuke had hated the guy almost from first sight, since he'd entered his new dorm to find Tachibana already there, carefully tacking photos of his brother and sister to the wall beside his bed. He'd had a fucking Hello Kitty ornament on his desk, too. But the worst thing had been the soft, friendly smile that spread across his face. How he cocked his head to the side when he introduced himself. The way Tachibana's greeting lit up his whole face, making his eyes shine with warm light. 

He was an angel, alright. He was everything Sousuke wasn't, made all of sunshine and innocence. He wanted to be an elementary school teacher; Sousuke was taking kinesiology because he didn't know what else to do with his life. Maybe be a sports trainer or something. Tachibana volunteered at the pool on weekends, teaching little kids to swim; last Sunday Sousuke had gotten baked, eaten a box of double stuffed Oreos, and jacked off three times.

Nobody made Sousuke feel more inadequate than Tachibana, the radiant creature of light. So Sousuke had ignored him the first few weeks, cranking up his iPod whenever he entered the room. Luckily, Tachibana seemed to spend more time in the library than he did in his own room. Other times, Sousuke was the one who stayed out late, drinking with Kisumi and going home with slutty guys.

They'd somehow gotten by without any real interaction until the morning Tachibana had tapped him on the shoulder, looking more than a little rattled.

"Yeah?"

Tachibana had rubbed the back of his neck, tilting his head in that endearingly nervous way of his. "Do you know how to unfriend people on Facebook?"

Sousuke did happen to know that- it was one of his Facebook specialties. The incident had led to a spontaneous discussion about Tachibana's friends on his high school swim team, particularly the one called "Nagisa" who kept posting photos of "Haru" and tagging Tachibana in them. "Nagisa" turned out to be the one he wanted to unfriend.

"He just won't stop," Tachibana had said sheepishly, as if he needed to justify unfriending anybody. Sousuke certainly didn't press him. But it was interesting to see that maybe Tachibana did have some kind of drama going on in his life, to a degree. The conversation had ended with the two of them becoming Facebook friends, because how could Sousuke say no to that stupid smile?

Needless to say, "Nagisa's" past uploaded photos of Tachibana wet and shirtless, clad in jammers that clung tightly to his hips and ass, had provided endless masturbation fodder for Sousuke over the coming months.

Then there was the night Sousuke found out Tachibana was afraid of the dark. Hallowe'en. Tachibana had dressed up in a giant cow onesie and gone to help out at some food-drive charity event hosted by one of his clubs. What the actual fuck- where did a grown man like Tachibana even find such a fucking thing? He was so cute in it that Sousuke had had to fight down the sudden urge to punch him in his damn adorable face. Instead, he'd stayed in the dorm room all night, gotten into the holiday spirit by watching horror movies on his laptop, and eaten a store-bought bag of trick or treating candy to himself. High off his ass, of course. 

He was in the middle of Freddy vs. Jason when Tachibana got home. He'd thought he was being nice by tilting the screen to the side so Tachibana could watch it, too. That had resulted in Tachibana covering his face with his hands, letting out tiny terrified squeaks whenever anything violent happened. 

Six feet tall and almost as bulky as Sousuke, Tachibana had been unable to fall asleep that night until Sousuke let him turn his desk lamp on. Still in his cow pajamas, hugging his pillow, no less. Was the world fucking kidding with this guy? He was too damn cute for his own good. He was so adorable that it pissed Sousuke off. 

God, he wanted to wreck that guy. Something about Tachibana's angelic aura made Sousuke want to fuck him up, to ruin him, to stain his innocence with booze and come, to twist him in the most wicked, delicious way, until there was no way he'd ever forget that Sousuke was his defiler. It was akin to the feeling he got when he saw a cute animal- like he wanted to squeeze it so hard its neck would snap.

And now, after months of fantasizing about breaking Tachibana's perfect, goody-two shoes persona, Sousuke had just found out the guy was gay. All the pictures on Facebook of Tachibana staring starry-eyed at his black-haired, expressionless friend really should have tipped him off, in retrospect. Sousuke's also learned that Tachibana's never gotten drunk before tonight, and he sings like a goddamn rock star, despite his gentle speaking voice.

"I think I'm going to throw up," Tachibana says pleasantly.

Sousuke still thinks he's a real live angel, even when he proceeds to vomit noisily all over Sousuke's shoes. Kisumi seems to find it hysterically funny, laughing so hard he has tears in his eyes.

"Looks like Makoto-kun can't handle his beer," he giggles maniacally.

Tachibana heaves another quart of half-digested sushi onto the floor, whimpering pathetically. All Sousuke can do is place a hand on his shoulder to steady him until he's finished coughing.

"I'm so sorry," he says in a shaky voice, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "I'll buy you new shoes."

"Don't worry about it," Sousuke tells him. "You can make it up to me by coming to an audition for our band."

Makoto slowly straightens up, one arm wrapped around his abdomen. He's flushed from puking, a light sheen of sweat on his forehead. "You have a band?"

"We're thinking about starting one."

"We totally could if you joined us," Kisumi chimes in. "I play drums and Sou does guitar. It's just us right now though."

Tachibana scratches the side of his nose. "I...I don't know if I could," he says, voice heavy with doubt.

"You owe me," Sousuke replies, looking Tachibana straight in the eyes. "For the shoes."

"I...I guess I could audition," he finally says.

Sousuke smiles. Perhaps there's hope for angel-face yet. "Great, 'cause we-"

"Guys, we should really get going," Kisumi calls from the door, peering out into the hall. "Before someone sees all the hork and charges us extra."

Tachibana blushes violently. "I'm so sorry, so very sorry, please forgive me." He repeats it like he's hoping that if he says it enough times, it'll make it somehow unhappen.

Sousuke has to grab his hand to get him to move, dragging him down the hall and out of the building while Kisumi does some of his magic sweet talking with the owner.

"Honestly, Tachibana-kun, it's fine," he says, stopping just inside the alleyway. "I've been through worse."

"Makoto," Tachibana corrects him. "And I still feel bad about it. Why don't we trade shoes for now?" 

Right. They've decided they're on first name basis now. What a perfect name for him, too. "Sincerity." Feminine and sweet, like his personality. 

Sousuke smiles in what he hopes is an encouraging way. "Makoto. Seriously. Don't sweat it."

"Are you sure there's nothing I can do?" Makoto's chewing nervously on his lower lip, looking more anxious than he should about the fact that Sousuke won't let him help.

Sousuke's never wanted to kiss anyone this bad, recent vomiting notwithstanding. He shakes his head and leans around the corner, watching for Kisumi. "I already told you. You can audition for us."

"I promise I'll try my best." This time Makoto's answer is much more enthusiastic. He must be sobering up somewhat. "I'm sure you'll find someone better, though."

Remembering Makoto's karaoke performance, Sousuke knows there's no chance of that. Makoto's voice is perfect. The problem will be in convincing Makoto to join the band as a permanent member.

"Hey, guys," Kisumi calls from around the corner. "It's all worked out. Where are-"

Sousuke steps out of the alleyway so Kisumi can see him. Kisumi makes a face at Sousuke, "I-know-exactly-what-you-were-thinking-of-doing-to-that-poor-innocent-flower-in-that-dark-alleyway" written all over it.

"Shut up," Sousuke grumbles at him.

"I didn't say anything." Kisumi's smile is dangerously smug.

"Whatever." Sousuke focuses the rest of his attention that evening on getting Makoto home to bed. He only fucks him in his imagination about twenty times over. So that's a small improvement, if nothing else.

 

The next morning, Sousuke actually gets up early. It’s slightly before ten. Makoto, unsurprisingly, seems to have gotten up hours ago; his bed is made, even though they’re in the middle of packing up their stuff to move into the second year dorms, so the rest of his things are in neatly packed boxes piled near the door. Sousuke only has one box started so far, some text books and clothes tossed haphazardly into it. He’ll probably just end up tying his crap up in his blanket and hauling it all over in one go. He doesn’t have that much to move.

Sousuke’s in the middle of pulling on clean underwear when Makoto opens the door. 

“Oh, you’re-” Makoto trails off weakly, turning red and hiding his face behind his hands. Sousuke tugs his boxers up over his hips. Makoto’s seen him change a hundred times and he’s never reacted like this. It’s hilarious. And cute.

“Are things gonna be weird between us now?” Sousuke can’t even remember the last time he saw someone blush just from seeing a little limp dick. Well, not little. Not by a long shot, even soft. Still, Makoto acts like a fresh young bride in her wedding night. Geez.

Makoto drops his hands to his sides. “No. I’m sorry. I…I…didn’t mean to look.”

Why did Makoto have to make this so fucking easy? He pulls his shirt over his head, flexing more than he necessarily needs to. “Look all you want.”

Sousuke’s decided he’s going to act on his instincts and fuck this kid up. But he’s going to do it properly. He’s going to take his time undoing Makoto’s sweet disposition. Even the most casual flirting sets off Makoto’s blush like fireworks.

Makoto coughs against the back of his hand, ignoring Sousuke’s comment. “I washed your shoes.”

“You got up early on the first day of break so you could clean puke off my shoes?” Stupid fucking angel. Sousuke’s going to tear his wings right off, feather by feather.

“Well, yeah,” he says sheepishly. “But I’m still coming to your audition.”

"Good," Sousuke grunts, searching his drawers for a pair of pants. "Hey, are they still wet, then?"

"Your shoes? No, I think I got them mostly dry."

"...How?" It would take hours for them to dry out by air, and he couldn't possibly have used the hand dryer in the communal washroom, either, because the air pressure from it is equivalent to a butterfly's sneeze.

Makoto smiles proudly. "I borrowed a hair dryer from one of my friends."

"A girl?" Sousuke pictures Makoto getting up early and sneaking into the girls' dorms to ask for a hair dryer. In his pajama shorts, likely (at least in Sousuke's imagination.) He'd probably been the cause of more than one nosebleed that morning.

"Yes, from Chiyo-chan," Makoto says, smile growing even wider. "She's so nice."

Sousuke wonders how he can remain so oblivious to the fact that all his female friends want to marry him and have his babies.

"Whatever," Sousuke mutters, pulling on a pair of sweats. He doesn't care about Chiyo-chan. As long as his shoes are dry; he doesn't have another pair.

Makoto's silent for a moment, fidgeting awkwardly and staring anywhere but at Sousuke. "So what time will the audition be?" 

Sousuke shrugs, tying the drawstring. “I dunno. Whenever you want to do it. When Kisumi gets up, I guess.”

“Today?”

“Sure.”

Makoto’s brow furrows slightly. “Is this a real audition? Is anyone else going to be there?”

“No.” Why else would it be at whatever time Makoto wants? He might be a B+ student, but Sousuke’s pretty sure it’s from sheer scholarly diligence, not intelligence. He definitely doesn’t have the most common sense. 

“What? Why?”

Sousuke crosses the gap between them in one step, catching Makoto’s deep green gaze with his own. 

“Because I only want you,” he says slowly, clearly. 

He watches Makoto’s throat bob as he gulps. He seems unable to reply. 

“I’ll text you when Kisumi’s ready.”

“Okay,” Makoto squeaks.

Sousuke leaves him standing in the middle of the room. He manages to contain his wicked grin until he gets out to the hall. Oh, fuck, does he ever have plans for Makoto. He heads to the cafeteria to procure himself some breakfast, and then spends the rest of the morning at the gym, burning off some sexual tension.

It’s after one by the time he’s finished and showered. He checks his text messages while toweling his hair dry with his other hand.

 

Kiss Me (12:37): Please tell me you didnt fuck up our chance at a good singer

Kiss Me (12:41): And by that i mean i hope you didnt fuck our good singer

Kiss Me (12:42): Because i know you were thinking about it -_-

Kiss Me (12:58): Anser me, douche

Kiss Me (12:58): Answer*

 

Sousuke should have seen this one coming. Kisumi had a weird protective streak sometimes. Probably an older sibling thing. And he had seemed to get along well with Makoto last night, so it made sense that he'd be worried about it. Sousuke, on the other hand, hadn't even stopped to think that screwing around with Makoto would probably jeopardize their band. For fuck's sake. Why did he have to realize it now? Band or sex, band or sex...there had to be a way to have both.

Sent Message (13:19): jesus, calm down. i didn't touch him.

Kiss Me (13:23): Well KEEP not touching him. Youd prolly make him cry

Sent Message (13:24): i WOULD make him cry.

Kiss Me (13:26): Youre an asshole

Sent Message (13:27): i am what i eat.

Kiss Me (13:30): Thats fucking gross!! moving on, convince him to join yet?

Sent Message (13:32): no, but he says he'll do the audition. what time do you wanna do it?

Kiss Me (13:34): Whenever you guys get here

Sent Message (13:34): k. i'll text him.

 

Sousuke's halfway back to his room at this point, but he texts Makoto anyway, just in case he's not there. "Tachibana"...he'll have to update the contact name later.

 

Sent Message (13:36): Hey Makoto, Kisumi says we can head over to his place for the audition any time. What time works for you?

Kiss Me (13:36): sweet! lemme know what he says

 

Sousuke enters his room to find Makoto gone, his half of the room completely empty. He sure got out of there in a hurry. Sousuke wonders if it had something to do with their interaction that morning. Better not to worry about it, though. He kicks off his shoes and flops down on his bed. His socks are a little damp from wearing them so soon after they were washed. Speaking of which, Kisumi would probably get a kick out of that story.

 

Sent Message (13:40): he washed my shoes this morning.

Kiss Me (13:42): THAT RIGHT THERE IS WHY YOURE NOT ALOUD TO TOUCH HIM. HES WAY TOO GOOD FOR YOU. HANDS OFF. I SWEAR TO LUCIFER ILL KICK YOUR ASS YAMAZAKI 

Tachibana (13:43): okay great, i'm done moving my boxes now so any time is good :)

Kiss Me (13:43): ALLOWED*

 

To Makoto:

Sent Message (13:44): We should go now. Meet me at our room.

And to Kisumi:

Sent Message (13:45): ok. i'll admit, i'm a little threatened. but i wouldn't take it lying down.

Kiss Me (13:46): why, you take it lying down from all the other guys

Sent Message (13:46): only the hot ones.

Kiss Me (13:47): are you saying im not hot? you wound me. im fucking gorgeous and you know it. you want me. NOT MAKO, KAPEESH?

Sent Message (13:47): it's spelled capiche, you idiot.

Kiss Me (13:48): you think spellings gonna save your ass?

 

Sousuke may be far bulkier than Kisumi and could probably immobilize him fairly quickly if he caught him, but that's exactly the problem. Kisumi's fast; he's point forward on the basketball team for a reason. And he fights dirty. Sousuke had had the pleasure of seeing him in action before, and he didn't particularly relish the thought of having Kisumi literally try to kick his ass, which he's definitely serious about. Kisumi doesn't joke about things like that. Even if Sousuke didn't lose, he sure wouldn't come out of it unscathed.

Makoto bursts through the door not two minutes later, panting, cheeks red. Sousuke glances up from where he's laying on his bed. "You didn't have to run here."  
"It's good for me," Makoto gasps, hands on his knees. "I don't want to disappoint Kisumi-kun."

"Like him, huh?"

"Yeah," Makoto says, smiling, but something about it seems slightly off. "He reminds me of my friend Nagisa sometimes."

"That's the blond Facebook guy, right?"

"Yeah, him."

Sousuke stretches and get up, putting his shoes back on. "Kisumi can definitely get annoying like that. You're right, we better head over sooner rather than later. Everything's set up at his place."

"That explains why I haven't seen him around here before," Makoto says, veritable Sherlock Holmes that he is. "Does he live with his parents and Hayato?"

"More like five other guys from the basketball team. The university pays for their housing," Sousuke explains, leading Makoto out of the dorm building, towards the soccer pitches. "It's only a couple blocks away."

Makoto looks pensive. "I wonder what it's like living with teammates."

"They party. A lot. One of them got some chick pregnant last term, apparently." They cut across the field, keeping clear of the soccer team's practice. It's nice walking beside Makoto; their walking pace is even.

Makoto frowns, Makoto-style, which is to say he smiles slightly less. "That wouldn't have been a problem for the swim club. I guess none of us were interested in girls."

"Wait. So all four of you have girly names, and you're all gay?" What were the fucking chances of that? It sounded like the premise of a bad porno.

"Rei and Nagisa are dating."

Sousuke glances at Makoto out of the corner of his eye. Makoto's staring up at the sky for some reason. He's going to walk into a stop sign if he isn't careful.

"What about Nanase?"

"I don't know. I...I guess I kind of thought he was gay, for a bit. Or at least that he liked me. We...we almost kissed, once."

God dammit. He's so virginal he probably could have prevented the eruption of Mount Vesuvius, if he'd been alive back then. "Have you never kissed anyone before?"

"Ah..." Of course he fucking hasn't.

"You seriously need to get laid." Sousuke stops outside Kisumi's house, turning to face Makoto. "It's the best way to forget about Nanase. It'd be therapeutic."

And he's off, face going cherry red. He doesn't look away from Sousuke this time. "M-maybe you're right. But I don't know where to start."

So Makoto's starting to get curious now. That one tiny crack is all Sousuke needs. He's going to rend Makoto apart from the inside. Thoroughly. He leans in close, letting his gaze rest on Makoto's lips. "You can start by requesting me as your roommate again. I can show you the ropes."

Makoto's eyes shine brilliant emerald in the afternoon sun, outdone only by his smile. Sousuke imagines what the inside of his sweet mouth tastes like. "I already did. I was hoping y-"

"OI," Kisumi calls out an upstairs window, tossing an empty soda can at Sousuke's head, which he narrowly avoids considering Kisumi's aim. "Door's unlocked, get your asses in here!"

Sousuke flips him the bird as Makoto heads up the porch steps. Kisumi somehow gets to the door before they do, holding it open wide for Makoto. Sousuke slightly wishes the meddlesome bastard had tripped and fallen down the stairs. 

"Feeling better today, Mako-kun?"

"Yes, thanks," Makoto says warmly. "How are you?"

"Fine, now that I know you got home okay. Gotta watch out for predators, you know," Kisumi says, pushing Makoto toward the basement door. He's deliberately putting himself between Makoto's ass and Sousuke's line of sight. No big deal. It's not like Sousuke can't conjure up pictures of Makoto in nothing but that skin-tight swimsuit whenever he wants.

"Predators?" Makoto asks dubiously.

Kisumi shoots a look over his shoulder at Sousuke. "Rapists and muggers and stuff."

Makoto giggles. An actual fucking giggle, like a girl. For some reason Sousuke feels lust unfurling in his lower belly. He stamps it out forcefully. Now is not the time. Also, what a weird thing to get turned on by. It's irritating when girls do it. 

"You were worried about something like that," Makoto's saying. "That's kind of strange."

"Eh, I guess it's a big brother thing."

"I know exactly how you feel. I have younger siblings, too."

"Seriously? Cool! How many?"

"Two. They're twins; Ran and Ren."

"How old are they?"

"Eleven," Makoto says, his voice full of brotherly pride and tenderness. He absolutely adores his siblings. Most of the pictures on Makoto's wall are of them, and Sousuke had often come into the room in time to accidentally interrupt their Skype conversations.

"Wow, they must be a total handful. Hayato's always-"

Sousuke clears his throat. "As fun as the Onii-chan Support Group sounds, can we get started with the audition?" 

"Oh, right," Makoto replies. "Sure. Should I sing the same song from last night?"

"Yeah, that'll work. Go for it."

Kisumi produces his laptop out of nowhere. "You need music or the lyrics or anything?"

"The music, please. I think I can remember the words."

Sousuke hands Makoto a microphone. It's good to hear how it'd sound being performed. "Ready?"

Makoto looks slightly nervous, but he nods. Kisumi hits play on his laptop, the music playing quietly enough for them to really focus on Makoto's voice.

Gentle, quiet, honest, big brother Makoto stands before them, holding the mic uncertainly up to his mouth, eyes flickering from Kisumi to Sousuke. Then he opens his mouth, powerful voice filling the room, and he's like a totally different person. 

His hand stops shaking. He squeezes his eyes closed, shifting the mic in his hands so he's holding it with both. His voice is a glorious combination of light and dark; his usual sweet, high voice thickly laced with passionate force, slightly gravelly, dangerous. He's half angel, half demon, and it's gorgeous, ten times better than Sousuke remembers from last night. Damn. Damn. 

Kisumi jumps up the minute Makoto finishes. "YOU HAVE TO JOIN!"

"I wasn't that good," Makoto mumbles, modesty painting his cheeks red.

Sousuke puts his hands behind his head. "Yeah. You were."

"Come on, Mako-kun," Kisumi encourages, clasping Makoto's shoulder. "Join. Without you we won't have a band. Plus it's just a fun thing we do on weekends."

"I...I suppose," Makoto says, starting to give in. "If it's just weekends...I can do that."

Kisumi whoops. "FUCK YEAH!"

Sousuke gives Makoto a satisfied smile. He can see why Makoto's in so many clubs. If the past few days are any indication, he caves under peer pressure faster than a card house in the wind. "Awesome. Now we get to spend more time together."

Makoto blushes, his smile growing wider. "Yeah."

Kisumi's glaring like he's hoping he might develop laser vision if he tries hard enough. Sousuke couldn't care less. He gets to spend another year getting to know Makoto, and he intends to take full advantage of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More Rei and Nagisa in the next chapter. Awkward boners, masturbation, lip gloss, and voyeurism.
> 
> Talk to me: [rosaveritas.tumblr.com](http://rosaveritas.tumblr.com/)


	7. The Good Left Undone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nagisa takes a deep breath. "But is it...is it just...me?" He has to know.
> 
> "No, Nagisa, it's not just you," Rin whispers furiously, sounding completely distressed. "I seriously don't wanna talk about it, okay?"
> 
> "But Rinrin, if you're-" 
> 
> The bathroom door opens, casting a rectangle of yellow light across them. Haru comes out in his pajamas.
> 
> "Goodnight, Nagisa," Rin says firmly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, I didn't deliver on all my promises from the last chapter notes, but there's masturbation and lipgloss and awkward boners, and plenty of good stuff to come.

Rei's standing in the middle of the dietary supplements aisle, reading the nutrition label on the back of a canister of protein powder when his cell phone rings. His heart skips a beat before he realizes it's a call from his mother. Of course. 6 pm. She's probably on her way to work.

"Hello, mother."

"Hello. How was school today?"

Rei hold the phone to his ear with his shoulder and places the plastic jar of powder into the basket at the crook of his arm. "Fine. The professor discussed chapter three of International Economics today, but I've already read the entire textbook and I think he made a mistake during his lecture. He doesn't inspire confidence in his knowledge of the subject."

"Have you read the textbooks for every class?"

"Of course," Rei says brightly. He's read all five of them from cover to cover.

He doesn't expect the slight hesitation in his mother's voice. "You only started a month ago."

"I know," he says, making his way toward the next thing on his grocery list, which is written out according to where each item is located in the store. It's more efficient this way. "But it's good to get a head start on everything."

"That's true, honey, but I don't think you should overwork yourself."

"I'm not overworked. I make sure to get plenty of sleep!" In fact, he'd been sleeping more than usual, lately. Last night he'd gone to bed at eight and slept until his alarm woke him at six. There wasn't anything wrong with that, though. Even if he still felt tired when he got up. He'd come to the conclusion that his recent tiredness must be due to some dietary deficiency.

"I believe you. You've always been very responsible."

"Yes..." Rei shuffles his basket so he can hold the phone in his hand, looking at almond milk brands. Responsibility is one of the things he prides himself on. Except...except when it came to Nagisa. He hadn't been responsible enough, proactive enough. He feels tired again.

"Have you seen any of your friends lately?"

"No. They go to different schools than I do, mother." He did still talk to Rin-san on the phone sometimes. Admittedly less now that he'd given up swimming. Haru had texted a few weeks ago to inform him that Nagisa was once again in possession of his phone, but Nagisa hadn't answered when he'd tried calling, and didn't respond to his text messages, either. 

Rei had been certain that their "incident" before graduation had been the result of stress and lack of sleep, and that they'd be able to reconcile after some rest and time apart. But evidently, he'd been wrong-

"-spend time with, then," his mother is asking. "Do you study with someone?"

"I study with myself, of course! I'm logically the best choice. I don't interrupt myself every five minutes." If only that were true. And his own mental interruptions were decidedly less pleasant than...than the ones he'd experienced in the past, studying with a certain person that he really is so very tired of thinking of right now.

Rei's mother makes a tiny sound in the back of her throat. "I think it would be a good move to take part in some extracurricular activities. It...would look good on your academic resume." 

"Do you mean to say you think I should take up sports?" Something inside clenches at the thought.

"Exactly. Perhaps you could even...get some scholarships."

Scholarships. He hadn't gotten as many as he would have liked. He hadn't done as well as expected on his exams. Not that he hadn't studied. But Nagisa had been four desks over from him, tapping his foot and chewing on the end of his pencil, and all Rei could think of doing was-

No. Focus. On which vegetables have the most nutritional value for the best price. Broccoli. Kale. And talking to his mother. About clubs. He does want to make her happy, and she's seemed a little downcast during their conversations lately. Usually Rei doesn't pick up on things like that, but he'd learned quite a bit about people over the last few years. He wonders what it could be that's been bothering her. 

Scholarships...that must be it! She must be disappointed in him for doing so poorly on his exams (he'd barely even scraped a ninety in chemistry, and he'd missed being in the top three students by a long shot.) She may even be going through financial problems. He should not have asked to live alone off-campus. He should have just figured out a way to cope with living in dorms. Even though the thought of being around so many strange people nearly causes him to hyperventilate.

"I can do that. I could try out for the university track team." His voice sounds so small.

His mother's, however, is more vibrant than ever when she answers. "I think it would be extremely beneficial for you. Call me tomorrow and let me know how it goes."

"I will."

She hesitates again. "...Take care, honey."

"I will, mother."

Rei slides his phone back into its special pocket in his messenger bag. He'll have to start thinking of ways to save money. Perhaps he could begin searching for viable roommate candidates. But what sort of person would he be able to get along with?

 

 

"-and then the zombie exploded like WOOSH, and there was blood and guts everywhere," Nagisa says excitedly, shoving Cheetos into his mouth. "And then Sakura-chan grabbed my hand. I guess she was scared. And she held it for the whole movie!"

Haru says nothing. It's so monumentally unsettling to hear Nagisa talk about girls. Since Haru had met him at the tender age of ten, he'd only been interested in men. Particularly ones with glasses and irritating know-it-all attitudes.

Rin's eyes flicker awkwardly from Nagisa to Haru and back again. "Uh...she sounds great." 

As long as nobody brings up Rei, everything should be fine. Nagisa stares at Rin with wide eyes. It's hard to tell what he's really thinking behind that smile. Everyone may say that Haru's the one who's unreadable, it isn't true. At least he doesn't lie about how he's feeling, like Nagisa does. Nagisa's modus operandi is far more dangerous than Haru's.

"Rinrin," Nagisa coos, leaning closer to him on the couch. "You've kissed girls before, right?"

"A couple," Rin answers, eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Why?"

Nagisa tilts his head, curious. "Did they wear lip gloss?"

"How should I know? I guess one did, I think. I wasn't really paying attention." Rin folds his arms over his chest and stares at his socked feet propped on the coffee table.

Nagisa shifts onto his knees, nearly toppling the bowl of Cheetos, not that he seems to notice. Or care.

"Don't make a mess," Haru says, though an entire bowl of neon orange chips would probably not even be noticeable in the pile of clothing and papers that already litter the carpet. 

It's not even his house. He's latching on to anything he can that will change the direction of the conversation. It's fucked up to hear Nagisa chattering away about girls, so nonchalantly, as if he's entirely forgotten that previous conversation topics for him were things like "it's so much easier to do enemas with our new removable showerhead" and "I'm glad Rei-chan shaved his pubes again 'cause they tickle my balls when we fuck." 

"I like cherry flavour," Nagisa's saying, brushing off Haru's comment. "Ooh, or bubblegum."

Rin shifts uncomfortably in his seat. "Did you uh, actually kiss her?"

Nagisa beams. "Yep. And fingered her," he says, waggling his pale digits in a suggestive manner.

"What the fuck, Nagisa! You only br-" Rin's face goes white. "You only started college a month ago."

"Yeah, and you're supposed to go crazy in college." Nagisa leans in closer to Rin, smile plastered on his face. "Don't you watch movies, Rinrin?"

Rin scowls. Everyone knows how much of a rom-com movie buff he is, and a lot of them seem to take place in college. The few Haru's seen involved the main character going through some kind of sexual identity crisis. Nagisa would make an excellent main character in a movie. Although, if it were a movie, he'd wind up back with Rei in the end. Even Haru's not too blind to see that. 

"Whatever," Rin grunts. "Doesn't mean I wanna hear you talk about all the chicks you make out with."

"Aw, you suck," Nagisa pouts. "Who am I supposed to talk to, then?" 

Haru shoots Rin a threatening stare, but it's too late. "I dunno. Haru?" he suggests.

Nagisa leaps off the couch to perch on the arm of Haru's chair. "Have you ever kissed anyone, Haru-chan?" His voice is heavy with meaning.

Haru turns to look out the window, willing his facial expression to remain stagnant. No, he has not kissed anyone. Not exactly. He can't keep the image of Makoto from popping into his head, face tinted pink, eyes shining as he leans closer to Haru- the tension was so thick between them in that moment that Haru couldn't breathe, they had been only inches apart, Makoto's fingers stroking the back of Haru's hand...and then Ren had barged into Makoto's room shouting about his sister taking his remote control car.

Nagisa gasps, his scrutiny of Haru's face apparently revealing what he wanted to know. "Oh my god, who?!"

"Nobody," Haru snaps. "I don't want to talk about it."

"It's Mako-chan, right?"

Haru rises out of his chair, shooting Nagisa a death glare. "Stop asking."

"Haru-chan," Nagisa breathes, crestfallen. "Why don't you just call him?"

Haru's been thoughtful enough to mind his own business for most of his life, why can't other people afford him the same courtesy? Haru snaps. 

"Why don't you call Rei," he spits, voice acidic. "And quit being a slut, while you're at it."

"OI!" Rin says, getting to his feet.

Nagisa looks close to tears and Haru's panting, fists clenched; this is not what he signed up for tonight. He was lured here by Nagisa's promises of videogames and snacks. Nagisa had been bugging them both to visit ever since he moved in with his sister, who was spending the night at her boyfriend's place. Because premarital sex was fine in the Hazuki household, as long as it was hetero.

"Why don't you just go home, Haru?" Nagisa says, scratching his wrist through his sweater sleeve. He doesn't meet Haru's eyes.

"NOBODY'S GOING HOME," Rin roars, catching Haru's arm as he makes toward the door. "Quit fighting! What are you, five?"

"You can talk," Haru says. But he stays put when Rin lets go of his arm.

"Yeah, I can, 'cause I know how you both feel. And I know getting mad doesn't solve problems." 

Nagisa swipes his arm across his face, sniffling. "You have no idea how I feel."

"I just meant-" Rin's expression softens. "I know about the, the anger. Y'know."

"Yeah..." Nagisa takes a deep breath. "I'm sorry, Rinrin. I'm sorry, Haru-chan."

Haru looks at Nagisa briefly and then back to the floor. He's not going to apologize. It wasn't his fault; Nagisa needs to learn when to stop prodding at people with his annoying, personal questions.

"Rinrin," Nagisa says softly. "Can I have a hug?"

"What for?"

"I'm sad because Haru-chan's being mean."

"So are you," he sighs, but he steps forward and lets Nagisa hug him. He peers at Haru over Nagisa's head, uneasiness heavy in his features. 

"Okay, get off," he says, grasping Nagisa's wrists and prying his arms away. Nagisa makes a strangled sound, snatching his arms back and wrapping them around his midsection. Haru can't imagine that Rin grabbed them that hard.

Rin looks shocked. "Did I hurt y-"

"I'm fine," Nagisa says cheerfully, smiling broadly. "Thanks for the hug. Oh my god, I just had the best idea."

Rin groans, expressing Haru's exact sentiments. Nagisa's best ideas are never good. Nagisa flounces off in the direction of the kitchen and disappears behind the partition; Haru promptly hears a cupboard bang open and the clink of glass. Then Nagisa's back again, a bottle of pink liquid sloshing around in one hand and two glasses balanced in his other, a second bottle tucked under his arm.

"Let's get drunk," he says. 

Now, that's something Haru hasn't done in a long while. 

"Won't your sister notice it's missing?" Rin asks.

Nagisa shrugs, taking a swig of the pink stuff, hand shifting to reveal the label. Watermelon Sourpuss. Disgusting. It's practically all sugar. "She won't notice. She's too busy worrying about other stuff. I have vodka, too!"

"Vodka," Haru says plainly, taking the glasses from Nagisa and setting one on the coffee table in front of Rin. He refuses to touch the Sourpuss. He finds himself really craving a drink, though, and he's not old enough to buy it himself until June.

"YES!" Nagisa yells, flopping back down onto the couch and resting his feet on Rin's lap. "We should play drinking games." 

Rin bristles. "Get your feet off me. And have guys both gone insane?" That question seems mostly directed at Haru, because this isn't considered insanity for Nagisa. Not by a long shot.

Haru meets him with a steady gaze as he reaches for the bottle Nagisa holds out to him. "It's nice to have a drink sometimes." It helps a person forget things. Or at least dulls the pain of remembering them, to a degree.

"Yeah, it's Saturday, Rinrin, live a little," Nagisa admonishes, taking another swallow out of his bottle.

"Fine," he says, "But only one drink for me. I have to meet Ai at six tomorrow morning."

Haru perks up. "Swimming?"

"Yeah. He's doing amazingly well," Rin boasts, smiling. Rin had been scouted right out of high school and given a scholarship to go to a university with a major swimming program. Not only was he an excellent swimmer, but he was smart, too- top ten in all of his subjects at school, although most people wouldn't think it upon first impressions. He acted like a delinquent too much of the time; or had, until graduating year. Nitori, in what was some kind of miracle, had actually managed to get scouted by the same university the next year, so the two trained together every single day. 

"Good to hear," Haru says, pouring vodka into his glass. He fills it about half way, stays his hand, considers it, and then adds another ounce. All this talk of kissing, Makoto, and swimming was making him crave it somewhat.

"Ugh," Nagisa sighs, sitting up. "I don't wanna talk about swimming. It's all you ever do, Rinrin. Swimming this, swimming that...it's boring."

Haru glances at Nagisa. Two years ago, he may have been offended by Nagisa not wanting to talk about swimming, but he thinks he might understand. Swimming brought back memories of the swim team, the team that had shattered and broken up horribly since high school. The three of them sitting together in Nagisa's living room/radioactive disaster zone were the last vestiges of Iwatobi's glory days. It was over. Makoto and Rei were both gone, and Nagisa refused to go anywhere near the water. Haru found that swimming no longer held any meaning.

Rin sighs, reaching for the cup in front of him. "I'll quit talking about it if you stop talking about girls, okay?"

Nagisa goes quiet for a minute. "Okay. Deal." He takes a much longer drink this time, eyes closed, cheeks flushing pink. Haru sips his pure vodka.

Rin grabs the bottle and splashes a bit into his glass. "Don't you have anything to mix it with? Seriously."

"I dunno," Nagisa says, wiping his mouth. "I think we have juice or something."

"You think you have juice or something? Seriously, when was the last time you actually helped around the house or went grocery shopping?"

"Awwww, Rinrin, it's not my-"

"I'll get it," Haru says, jumping on the chance to escape the conversation. He enters the kitchen only to instantly regret it; it's a mess. The sink is piled with dirty dishes, and he really doesn't want to know how long that uncovered piece of cake has been sitting on the counter, but it looks awfully fuzzy.

The fridge is no better. Ketchup and gravy leaks pool at the bottom, cartons only partially covered in plastic wrap or not at all, take out containers shoved haphazardly toward the back. It's filthy. Haru snatches the first half-empty, flat bottle of cream soda he can find and hurries back to the others.

"-should still at least try," Rin's saying. "This place is worse than Ai's desk, for god's sake."

Haru tosses him the pop, which Rin catches deftly in one hand, never taking his eyes off Nagisa, who's polishing off the Sourpuss.

"Ooh, cream soda! My favourite," he squeals, barreling into Rin. Rin's face goes red as he tries to push Nagisa off, falling backwards onto the couch with Nagisa on top of him.

"Get off of me," Rin growls, shoving at the flailing Nagisa, who's struggling to reach the soda bottle in his outstretched hand. Rin shoots him the most murderous look Haru's ever seen, and Nagisa freezes in his tracks. Something in the air feels off. 

"Just get off," Rin pleads.

"Rinrin," Nagisa murmurs, pulling back slowly.

"Don't," Rin warns him, swinging his legs off the couch and pulling himself into a sitting position. He mixes himself a drink and chugs the whole thing in one go, Nagisa watching with eyes as large as saucers.

"Imma turn on the tv," Nagisa mumbles, searching the cushions of his chair for the remote. After that, nobody says a thing. They sit in silence, drinking until the vodka is gone, watching some movie about mini coopers in Italy.

"I'm going to bed," Nagisa announces when it's over, swaying slightly when he stands. It's only quarter after twelve.

Rin lays down and pulls the blanket down from where it's draped across the back of the couch, throwing it across his legs and rolling over so his face is pushed into the cushion, back to the rest of the room. "Night."

Nagisa yawns. "You can have nee-chan's room," he tells Haru. A few months ago he would have insisted that one of them sleep in his bed with him. If not both of them.

Haru doesn't relish the idea of sleeping in Ayumi's room. If Nagisa's stories can be believed, she's as bad with her boyfriend as Nagisa had been with Rei, and a black light would probably make Ayumi's bed look like a war zone.

"I'll sleep on the floor."

Nagisa shrugs. "Okay. I'll bring you a blanket."

Haru sets about pushing the coffee table out of the way and clearing some of the mess to the side until he can actually see the carpet. It'll have to do. 

 

 

Nagisa strips his sister's comforter and pillow off her bed, bringing them into the living room for Haru, who's in the bathroom at the moment. Rin still has his back turned, pretending he's asleep when he clearly isn't.

"Rin-chan."

Rin's shoulders tense visibly. "I don't want to talk about it."

Nagisa takes a deep breath. "But is it...is it just...me?" He has to know.

"No, Nagisa, it's not just you," Rin whispers furiously, sounding completely distressed. "I seriously don't wanna talk about it, okay?"

"But Rinrin, if you're-" 

The bathroom door opens, casting a rectangle of yellow light across them. Haru comes out in his pajamas.

"Goodnight, Nagisa," Rin says firmly.

"Um...okay. G'night." Nagisa takes one last look at the two of them before going off to his room, Rin trying to burrow into the back of the couch, Haru laid out on the floor staring up at the ceiling, neither of them talking. Nagisa would give anything to sleep out there with them, but this sleepover is kind of a show of good faith to his sister. He isn't gay. Not anymore. He can sleep in a separate room, like normal people do. Even if it's lonely.

Nagisa unzips his polka dot hoodie and slips it off as gingerly as he can so as to not brush against the scabs on his wrists. One of them is bleeding again because of how much he's been scratching, but he can't help it; they itch when they heal. These cuts are from a few days ago, after he'd gotten in trouble with his history professor for not turning in his bibliography on time. His sister had found out about it, which meant that his mother had found out, and he'd had a very unpleasant visit from his parents.

He'd felt like he was drowning again. Nagisa examines the angry red marks. Cutting felt...good, in a way, while he was doing it, but he always regretted it after, wishing he could get rid of the marks with some kind of magic eraser. He spent every day worried that someone was going to notice them. That would make him cry for sure.

Nagisa prefers sleeping naked, which is good, because the cuffs of his pajamas chaff. He slips off his shirt, pants, and underwear, crawling under his comforter. He really should put the sheet back on the mattress sometime. He'd spilled coffee on it the other day. He closes his eyes, wrapping all of his limbs around his body pillow. 

 

Two hours later, he's still awake. He can't stop thinking about Rin. And the fact that he'd had gotten a boner when Nagisa fell on him. Nagisa was more than experienced enough to recognize a boner when he felt one.

"No, Nagisa, it's not just you," Nagisa repeats to himself, using his best Rin voice. Does that mean Rin's gay too, then? But he'd always dated girls in the past- he'd even had a girlfriend for a few months last year. Nagisa's pretty sure they'd even had sex. 

Then again, just having sex with a girl doesn't mean a person is interested in them. Nagisa has firsthand experience with that. Literally. He's getting pretty good at kissing and fingering girls; it doesn't make him feel like barfing any more, as it did the first time. Now he actually finds it kind of interesting. Women's bodies were so fascinating, so soft and curvy, wet and silky in just the right places, and their anatomy made pleasure so easy. Nagisa can't understand why guys complained about being unable to find their girlfriends' clits. It isn't that terribly hard.

It would be so nice if men had parts like that, Nagisa thinks to himself. Or...he rolls over, snuggling his pillow even tighter. Don't think it. Don't even think about thinking it. Waves of guilt and shame wash over him as he's unable to keep the thoughts, the yearnings, away. Why hadn't he been born a girl? If he were a girl, he could...

Nagisa squeezes his eyes closed until the tears prickling at his eyes retreat. Do NOT think about Rei-chan. Do not think about how perfect it would be if...if he were a girl, if he could be Rei-chan's girlfriend instead, if Rei-chan were here, in his bed right now, and it was allowed, because they weren't the same gender. 

If Rei-chan were here...he'd probably be asleep right now, because it's too late for him. He'd have his glasses off, sleeping soundly with his arm tucked under the pillow, the other resting across Nagisa's hip. He'd be breathing against Nagisa's neck, and Nagisa could turn and kiss him if he wanted to, turn and kiss him awake, reaching a hand down and snaking it into the pants of his butterfly print pajamas, always buttoned up completely and newly ironed, smelling fresh, clean, distinctly Rei-chan.

And Rei would wake up, indigo hair tousled against the sheets, lavender eyes hazy and unfocused, yet full of adoration. He'd tell Nagisa how beautiful he is, and touch him, and make him feel...

Nagisa twitches the blanket aside, running a hand down from his chest to his hip, rubbing gentle circles at the crease between his lower belly and thigh. He licks his other thumb and finger, trailing his hand down to circle his nipple, pinching it until it's pert and sensitive. 

Rei would run his hands over Nagisa's abs, like so, and then his thighs, breathing into his ear the whole time, muttering his theories about how to achieve the perfect orgasm. 

Nagisa strokes himself hard and shudders, envisioning Rei climbing over top of him, positioning himself between Nagisa's legs, casting his pajamas to the floor. His cock, hard and glistening with precum as he looks down on Nagisa as though he's the most beautiful thing in the world, some complex quantum mechanics problem that Rei's just solved, and he's happy, and proud that it's his handiwork...

"Ahh..." Nagisa presses a hand against his mouth to quiet himself, massaging his tip. But this...pumping just from the front, it isn't enough. It doesn't feel like Rei-chan. Nagisa needs more, so much more, the forbidden thing he's not allowed to do. He needs to feel like he's full of Rei, vulnerable and spread open, like he's a girl, letting his boyfriend thrust into him, giving up everything, surrendering himself to his man...Nagisa shudders, twisting in the blankets to get a better position.

Fuck. He needs lube. And he doesn't fucking have any, because his parents took it away. Well, Nagisa's nothing if not creative, and Ayumi's bound to have some. Nagisa crawls out of bed, pulling on the first article of clothing he finds on the floor. A crusty old pair of shorts. Whatever, he only needs them on for a few minutes.

Creeping into Ayumi's room, Nagisa turns on the light and opens the drawer of her nightstand. Nothing. Fucking hell. And nothing under the bed, either. He kicks aside some of her piles of clothes, but can't find anything that could be remotely useful. Except...Nagisa picks up a small tube of peppermint lipgloss that fell out of the pocket of her jeans when he moved them.

And while he's at it, what about...he moves to her closet, looking through her clothes. So pretty, lace and pink and ruffles and bows...but no, what kind of incestuous freak masturbates while wearing his sister's clothes? He seriously belongs in a mental hospital. He'll just have to get creative about that, too.

Nagisa turns off the light as he leaves, sneaking down the hall to the living room as quietly as he can. He pauses for a moment, listening to the sounds of Rin and Haru breathing in their sleep. He slips into the bathroom, closing the door and turning on the light. He knows Ayumi has one of those fancy underwear catalogues in here- she likes to read in the tub. He snatches it off the back of the toilet, its pages crinkled from absorbing too much hot steam, and flips through the pages until he finds something sexy.

White, he's always found white to be a sexy colour. The model wears a sheer white chemise laced across her breasts, open to reveal her smooth belly and neon pink panties stretched over her wide hips. Nagisa stares at himself in the bathroom mirror. He looks nothing like her- his hips are too thin, the muscles of his stomach and legs too well-defined. He doesn't look very soft. And his chest...flat, hard pecs. Even Rin has better cleavage than he does.

Still, Nagisa imagines that if he were wearing the same thing the model is, he'd be pretty. He gathers his bangs into his fist and uses one of Ayumi's hair bands to tie them back. Then he takes the tube of gloss out of the band of his shorts, dabbing a little bit onto his lower lip and smooshing his lips together to spread it. It tingles slightly. His face really does look like a girl's, at least. He wants to try mascara next; he doesn't have time right now, though.

Nagisa sheds his shorts, lifting one knee up to rest on the sink counter. He squeezes the rest of the lipgloss onto his hand, slicking his fingers with it. Looking at the catalogue page, he pretends he's wearing what the woman is, pretends he's beautiful like her, imagining how much Rei would want him, how wonderful it would be to be together.

He sticks his ass out and circles his hole with two wet fingers, teasing himself, pushing them in slowly, both at once. The peppermint gloss tingles inside him, making him twitch. God, if only it were Rei...if only...Nagisa pushes his fingers up steadily, hardly allowing his body time to adjust. It stings a little, but he doesn't care. He just needs to feel something inside. Once they're in up to the knuckle, he pulls them almost all the way out, shoving them back in again. In and out, again and again; he scissors them, crooking his wrist at the right angle, shuddering at how good it feels, how good it would feel to have Rei pressed up behind him, body hot and hard and perfect, his big, calloused hands stroking Nagisa's cock.

Nagisa stifles a moan, pressing harder into his prostate, bucking his hips down against his own fingers, fucking himself into his own hand. He's getting close, so close. He imagines Rei touching his nipples, licking his earlobe, telling him what a gorgeous girl he is, his Nagisa-kun, touching the inside of his thighs, thrusting hard inside of him.

"Ohhhh, god, Rei-chan, you're so gooood..." Nagisa shudders, vision hazing over as he comes, thighs shaking. He leans against the counter as his orgasm wracks itself through his body, splattering ropes of come against the mirror and across the pages of the catalogue.

As he climbs down from his high, the guilt rises in him like bile. He's so fucking disgusting- for thinking of Rei-chan, for thinking about wearing women's underwear, for getting himself off with his sister's lipgloss. Oh god. He can't bear to look at himself in the mirror as he wipes the come off with a wad of wet toilet paper. Nobody will ever be able to love him the way he is. He'd lost the one person who ever could.

"Rei-chan..." Nagisa whispers. This time he can't stop the tears. They spring free like a leak in a boat, getting worse the harder he tries to stop them. He sits naked on the fuzzy toilet seat cover, soiling it with makeshift lube, and hugs his arms across his chest, trying to cry as quietly as possible. It seems like hours before he finally calms down enough to breathe, taking deep, laboured breaths that hitch halfway through, giving him the hiccups. His eyes are puffy and tired, and his head aches so bad he feels as though it's splitting in two. 

Maybe there's some Motrin or something in here. Nagisa pulls his shorts back on and opens the medicine cabinet, searching through the leftover tubes of Vagisil and zit cream and the zillions of vials of nail polish for something, anything, that might take the pain away. There's a small bottle of pain meds from Ayumi's wisdom tooth surgery a year ago. And some grape flavoured cough syrup. It'll have to do. Nagisa takes four of the pills, swallowing them with the help of the cough syrup. It tastes absolutely awful, but he manages to get them down. He heads back to bed, wondering how long it'll take the stupid stuff to work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SORRY. Please come scold me at [rosaveritas.tumblr.com](http://rosaveritas.tumblr.com/)


	8. So It Goes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I...I'm sorry. I didn't mean what I said, about everything being your fault, because-"
> 
> "I know you were just stressed about exams and stuff," Nagisa says, voice tender and soft. "I forgive you."
> 
> Hope and relief flood every corner of Rei's mind. He grips the creases of his jeans to keep his hands from shaking. "Then..can...are we..." He swallows, squeezing his eyes closed. "I see no reason why we can't be boyfriends again."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for this. I'm scum.

"Fuck me," Haru says, only his head sticking out of the pool.

"I can't," Rin answers, sitting on the tiled edge with his calves and feet dangling in the water. He can't decide if he wants to get in or not.

Haru swims closer, leaning his head against Rin's knee. "Why not? I know you want to."

"Because you have a tail," Rin replies. "Everyone knows that."

Haru looks down, swishing his fin through the water as though he's slightly amused to see it there. 

"Don't worry, Rin-senpai," Ai says. "I know you can do it. I believe in you!"

Ai has a tail, too. And breasts. Of course Ai has breasts, and they look great on her, perky and small on her pale body. 

"I-I can't do it," Rin stammers. "It's impossible."

Haru and Ai both swim closer to him, each taking hold of one of his thighs. He's not in the least surprised to find that he's naked, though he'd been sure he had jammers on when he got here.

"It's completely healthy and natural for teenage boys to feel this way," Rei tells him, fixing his glasses, laying on the edge of the pool beside Rin with his head propped on his elbow, tail flopping languidly against the cold tiles. He's inspecting Rin's crotch with utmost care while Haru and Ai continue to stroke his legs.

Nagisa's head emerges from the water, long blond hair swirling around her. "You really should fuck at least one of us," she says, laying on her back and exposing soft, voluptuous breasts. She kicks her tail, spraying Rin with drops of water. Something nags at his mind for a moment, briefly, but then it passes.

"Yes," Haru agrees emphatically, before licking the underside of Rin's cock. 

Rei's behind him now, touching his chest, his nipples. "It would be beneficial to succumb. I've never regretted it."

"You have the sexiest pecs," Makoto whispers in his ear, sliding into the pool beside Haru, muscles straining and glistening in the water.

"You'd be so good at this, senpai," Ai tells him, reaching out behind herself to catch Nagisa's hand, pulling her into a kiss. Nagisa giggles and fondles Ai's chest.

Now Rin's extremely turned on, and he's starting to get frustrated. "Can't you see? I can't be with any of you."

Makoto kisses up his stomach while Haru and Rei continue to work on him with their fingers and mouths. "Why not? You want to," he says, flashing Rin a brilliant, lazy smile.

"I'M NOT A FISH, I DON'T KNOW HOW," Rin screams, tearing at his own hair.

Haru places both hands on Rin's hips. "Yes you are."

Rin glances down to find that yes, indeed, he has a long tail instead of legs, his erection gone, though arousal still heats his belly.

"Now you can join us," Nagisa moans breathily, as Rei shoves Rin's shoulders from behind. He falls into the pool with a splash. He can't breathe, he doesn't know how to swim with this stupid tail...

 

Rin forces his sleep-crusted eyes open to find himself staring at an unfamiliar ceiling. A surge of fear courses through him before he remembers he's in Nagisa's living room, not the bottom of a swimming pool. 

That dream. What. The. FUCK. He's been having more and more dreams about his friends recently, but usually one at a time. Never all together like that. And as much as they scare the living shit out of him every night they happen, he can't deny that they also turn him on. Argh, and Nagisa and Ai as girls...it didn't matter if they appeared as women or men. Either gender seemed to do it for him. 

Rin has steadily been getting closer and closer to admitting to himself that yeah, he might be bisexual. Perhaps. But that doesn't mean he wants to fuck his friends! They're only in his dreams because they're so familiar to him. And he's also seen them all half naked about a million times. That's all it is. 

A tremulous moan echoes in his head as he squeezes his eyes shut, trying not to think of it, or to think about how freaking horny he is right now. Then he hears another quiet moan, and realizes it's real time, emanating from somewhere close.

The first place his mind jumps is Haru, who's laying on the floor right beside him. Is Haru actually...the image of Haru with his hand down his pants, stroking himself, head pressed against the floor and lust colouring his face...

Rin covers his ears with his pillow, wishing he really could scream. That he could be anywhere but here. Or else on the floor with Har- 

WHOA. Whoa, whoa, NO. But holy hell, he's so hard, the moaning and panting filling the room only exacerbating his problem. There is absolutely no way on this fucking planet that he's going to get off to-

"Ohhhh, god, Rei-chan, you're so gooood..."

To Nagisa. Rin sits bolt upright, looking wildly around the room. Haru's curled up under the blanket on the floor, eyes closed, raven hair fanned out on the pillow. He's definitely asleep. Rin can see light coming from beneath the bathroom door, Nagisa's pleasured whimpers permeating the room. What the hell? Is Rei actually here? But no, that can't be right, because if he is, why the fuck would they be going at it in the bathroom?

Silence for a few moments, until the faucet turns on. Rin hears one more whimpered "Rei-chan," and then a muffled sob. Nagisa's crying. So no, Rei is not here, but Nagisa's using thoughts of him to get himself off (probably from behind, Rin tries unsuccessfully not to think) even though he's been trying his best to convince everyone that he's fine and that he truly does like girls.

Rin hugs his knees to his chest, listening to Nagisa's strangled, urgent sobbing. It breaks his fucking heart. Should he knock on the door and see if Nagisa's okay, if there's any way he can help? Risk letting Nagisa know he heard him masturbating? That would only embarrass him, make him less likely to talk. Nagisa's been covering up his pain for a reason. As much as he wishes otherwise, Rin finds himself frozen in place, unable to move or do anything but listen to his friend come apart. 

Sometime later, he's not sure how long, Nagisa's crying comes to a ragged halt. Rin hears rustling and clunking sounds, and then a faint rattle. He strains his ears to try to figure out what's going on. He recognizes that sound from somewhere. A quiet pop, and then more rattling, the click of the medicine cabinet door closing. 

Shortly after, the bathroom door opens and Rin dives beneath his blanket, hoping Nagisa won't notice he's awake. Nagisa's footsteps recede down the hall. Haru's remained asleep for the entire affair. 

Rin hears Nagisa's door shut. Well, the upside to this is that Rin's not hard anymore, that's for sure. He shifts around on the couch, trying to find a comfortable lying position. He stays awake for a long while after, thinking about how perfect Rei and Nagisa are for each other. How they belong together. How romantic it would be if they dated again. And if there's any way he can help make that happen.

 

When he wakes the second time, it's to Haru shaking his shoulder. 

"Uggh, wha," he groans, rolling over and prying his heavy eyelids open. Haru's kneeling beside him, peering urgently into his face.

"Nagisa's sick," he says. A loud retching sound comes from the bathroom in perfect unison with Haru's statement.

"So?" Rin rubs his eyes, trying to get them to focus. "He did drink a whole bottle of Sourpuss, and he's kind of a lightweight."

Nagisa moans pitifully before heaving again. It sounds forced, choked. 

Haru shakes his head. "I think he needs to go to the hospital."

If Haru thinks it's bad, it's bad. Rin's on his feet in an instant, pushing the bathroom door the rest of the way open. Nagisa's on his knees, literally hugging the toilet, head resting on the seat. It takes one quick glance for Rin to confirm that yeah, Nagisa needs to go to the hospital. His face is tinged a sickly shade of yellow, fever evident on his cheeks, hair matted with sweat, eyes glassy. 

"Morning Rinrin," he volunteers hoarsely, before vomiting into the toilet again. Or trying to. Not much comes up, but what does is terrifyingly magenta.

"Fuck, is that blood?"

Nagisa wipes his mouth with a shaking hand. "Cough syrup."

"What did you take cough syrup for?!"

"I couldn't sleep."

Rin goes cold, recalling the rattling sound he'd heard last night. Medicine. "What else did you take?"

"I dunno," Nagisa wails, leaning down for another bout of spewing. After a few dry heaves he sits back on his heels. "Some pills I found."

Rin yanks open the medicine cabinet, not caring that half its contents crash out into the sink in the process. He finds a small yellow bottle. Tylenol with codeine 3. Fuck.

"How many, Nagisa?"

"Four or five?"

Rin doesn't know a lot about drugs, but he knows a bottle of Sourpuss, cough syrup, and four or five T3s is bad, especially for a person of Nagisa's size. He's probably lucky he even woke up this morning. Rin's terrified when he thinks of what might have happened. 

"Fuck." Because FUCK.

Nagisa stares at him with frightened eyes that are beginning to fill with tears. "Am I in trouble? Please don't tell Ayumi," he cries.

"We won't tell her," Haru says calmly, crouching down beside Nagisa. "If you come to the hospital."

Nagisa shakes his head, tears flowing down his cheeks. He doesn't say anything for several long minutes.

"I don't feel good," he finally sobs.

"I know," Haru soothes, patting Nagisa's back. Thank god for Haru's stoicism, because Rin has no fucking idea what to do, and he's terrified and emotional and probably just getting Nagisa more freaked out.

"I'm calling a fucking ambulance," Rin splutters. Haru hold up his hand to stop him.

"No, don't!" Nagisa says, clutching the toilet harder as he trembles violently. "I'll go." He makes no effort to get up, instead resting his head on the seat again, closing his eyes. 

"Oi," Rin growls, vision blurring. "Don't you fucking go to sleep. Don't you dare."

"Calm down, Rin," Haru says, gently pulling Nagisa upright. "You have to get up, Nagisa."

"Only if you don't tell," Nagisa murmurs, leaning on Haru's shoulder.

"Don't tell who?" 

Nagisa sniffles. "Rei-chan. Don't tell Rei-chan." Then he retches again, this time getting it on the front of his sweater and in Haru's lap. Haru doesn't seem to give one single fuck about it the moment, getting to his feet and fishing his phone out of his jeans.

"I'll call a cab," he says, looking at Rin. "Can you carry him to the lobby?" 

Rin nods. "Yeah."

"And stop crying. You'll scare him."

"I'm not fucking crying. Shut up." Rin swipes his arm across his face and strides across the bathroom floor, scooping Nagisa into his arms. He's heavier than one might expect, since he's all compact muscle, but nothing Rin can't handle.

Nagisa responds to him, at least, wrapping his arms around Rin's neck and resting his head on his chest. Rin can feel that his breathing is pretty shallow and erratic.

"I'm really sorry," Nagisa keeps muttering. "I didn't mean it, I didn't, please don't tell..."

"I know." Rin concentrates on carrying him down the stairs without tripping, glaring at a lady who gives them a funny look on her way by. He's glad for Nagisa's babbling, though, because it means he's staying awake.

Haru comes running down after them a few minutes later. "They said ten minutes."

"I really think we should have called an ambulance," Rin frets. "It'd be-"

"No," Nagisa protests weakly. "Or I'm not going. They'd tell my dad."

Rin's about to tell Nagisa that his dad will find out about this anyway, but Haru gives him the "I'll kill you if you say it" look, so he bites his tongue. Literally. He tastes blood.

"Nagisa, do you wanna leave your sweater here? It's got puke all over it." Not only that, but Nagisa's sweating profusely, cheeks red.

"No," Nagisa says. "I'm leaving it on. It's...my favourite."

Haru presses his hand against Nagisa's forehead. "You have a fever."

"I'm really dizzy," Nagisa admits, clinging even tighter to Rin's shoulder. 

"There's the cab." Rin readjusts his arms under Nagisa's weight, waiting for Haru to open the door for him. He puts Nagisa in the middle seat, doing up his seatbelt while he leans back against the headrest, holding tightly onto Haru's hand.

"Hospital," Haru tells the cab driver.

"Your friend looks pretty sick," the driver says, pulling away from the curb. "It's a 5000 yen fine if he throws up in here."

"I won't," Nagisa says, face grey. And he doesn't, though he does press his hand to his mouth when they turn the corner, as if he's physically keeping it down. The cab driver gives them a baleful glare via the review mirror.

The sky is just starting to lighten when they arrive at the hospital. Once they get Nagisa checked in, Rin sends Ai a quick text telling him he won't be at practice. Even if he could make it there in time, he doubts he'd have the energy left to swim, and he really doesn't want to see Ai shirtless after that ridiculous dream.

After a moment's deliberation, Rin selects Speedo Glasses from his list and sends a short message explaining that Nagisa's in the hospital with a bad flu. Rei deserves to know, and Rin didn't tell him about the alcohol and pills, so technically he didn't betray Nagisa's wishes. 

"Dr....Ryuugazaki," Haru reads off of the form in his hands. Nagisa sits up in a hurry, swaying so badly that Rin has to grab his shoulders to steady him.

"Rei's mom?!" Nagisa croaks, panicky. "I can't see her!"

"Why not? Women doctors are just as good as male ones," Haru says. Rin's not sure if he's attempting to be funny or not.

Nagisa stares dejectedly at his hands. "I don't want her to-"

"Hazu- Nagisa-kun," says a startled female voice. Rei's mother stands at the triage desk in her white doctor's coat and stethoscope, clipboard in hand. Rin's never met her before, but he's struck by how similar Rei looks to her. She's tall and thin with onyx hair cut into a straight bob at her shoulders, a pair of blue glasses accenting the lavender of her eyes. She has the same determined frown as her son.

"Ryuugazaki-san," Nagisa breathes, tearing up. 

She gives Nagisa one look before calling a nurse. "I need an IV drip," she commands in a steady voice. "The patient is severely dehydrated."

Nagisa's wailing into Rin's shirt, hiding his face from Dr. Ryuugazaki. She comes briskly toward them and places her hand on Nagisa's shoulder.

"What's going on, Nagisa-kun?" Her voice is at gentle odds with her severe presence.

"I made a mistake," Nagisa says, voice breaking pathetically. "Please don't tell my dad!"

Genuine concern passes over Dr. Ryuugazaki's face. "Why don't we go to a private room and discuss things there? I just want to get you taken care of as quickly as possible, because I can see that you aren't feeling very well."

Nagisa nods, allowing the nurse to help him onto shaky legs and guide him down the hall, glancing back over his shoulder at Rin and Haru.

"What did he take?" Dr. Ryuugazaki asks Haru the moment Nagisa's out of sight, instantly back in frighteningly efficient doctor mode.

Haru wordlessly hands her the form he's finished filling out.

Her expression tightens as she looks it over. "I see. I'm glad you two were there for him. I'll let you know when you can come in and see him. I think having you there will keep him calm."

Rin spots dark shadows under her eyes, which only add to her unassuming attractiveness, if he's being honest. She resembles Rei during exam season. He wonders if she looks this tired all the time. "He's really freaking about his parents finding out."

"Duly noted. You must be Matsuoka Rin, correct?"

"Uh, yeah, I am."

"Rei speaks of you quite often. I appreciate all the extra work you put into helping him learn to swim. It was very kind." Her eyes twinkle mysteriously. "You as well, as always, Haruka-kun."

"It's no problem," Haru says, overlapping Rin's "Rei's my friend, I didn't mind."

Dr. Ryuugazaki makes as if to head after Nagisa, hesitates, and then asks, "Have either of you notified my son?"

"I did," Rin admits. "I told him it was a stomach virus."

She nods once and then leaves without another word, heels clicking on the linoleum floor. Haru stares accusingly at Rin.

"What? How could I not tell him?"

"Nagisa asked you not to."

Rin links his hands behind his head, stretching out in the waiting room chair. He's exhausted and his back is sore from carrying Nagisa. "Whatever, Haru. Wouldn't you want to know if it was Makoto?"

Haru huffs, grumbling something about "meddlesome Matsuokas." Rin counts it as a victory, assuring himself that he's not half as bad as his sister is. Besides, Haru does like to look over Rin's shoulder while he's checking Facebook on his phone, and Rin knows he's hoping for status updates from Makoto. Haru worries about Makoto more than the rest of them, despite his stubborn silence. 

Rin's getting worn out by all the obstinate people in his life, refusing to admit their feelings for one another. Over a year after Makoto moved, Haru continues to be clearly, sickeningly, maddeningly head over heels for him (a huge part of the reason Rin will never, ever try to make a move on him, despite how fucking attractive he is. It's been made obvious to him that his chances with Haru withered long ago.) 

Rei and Nagisa are a whole different kettle of fish. While Makoto's left everyone with no alternative than to think Haru's love is entirely one-sided, Nagisa and Rei are both blatantly pining after each other. Fuck Nagisa's parents. Rin would love to punch those twats in their overbearing, holier-than-thou faces. How have they honestly deluded themselves into thinking their son is suddenly straight as a ruler and happy as a clam? 

Rin can't imagine his own mom making such a huge deal about something like that. If he's even gay, or bisexual, or whatever the fuck all those dreams and inopportune boners mean. He cringes inwardly, remembering last night and the fact that Nagisa's inevitably going to want to sit down once he's feeling better and have a long conversation exploring the inner depths of Rin's sexuality. And then text everyone about it. 

Rin would much rather light himself on fire than think about why he popped a semi with Nagisa on top of him. He's not INTO Nagisa or anything like that. Maybe he just needs to get laid...too bad he's such a closet romantic. Rin isn't the type to sleep with random people he doesn't have feelings for, and at the moment, all the people he has strong sentiments toward are his male friends, none of whom, although gay, seem to have any interest in him.

Sighing, Rin pulls out his phone to try to distract himself, noticing three messages in his inbox.

 

Speedo Glasses (5:03): Is he alright? Why is he in the hospital? Should I come?

Speedo Glasses (5:05): I'm coming, but I won't be there until 7:20.

Ai Ai Cap'n (5:38): That's fine, senpai!!!!!! Don't worry about it!!!!!! I'll work hard enough for the both of us!!!! 

 

Well, it's almost six now, so Rei's probably on the train already. He's going to university in a city an hour and a half away, and he still flat out refuses to get his drivers' license, because "despite how excellent my own driving would be, you can never anticipate the stupidity of others." Which Rin relents is actually kind of an apt metaphor for life in general, but come on. It's a fucking drivers' license.

"Rei's coming," Rin says idly.

"Nagisa's going to murder you."

Rin snorts. "I'd like to see him try. He can barely stand." That sobers them both up considerably, Haru selecting a magazine from the waiting room table at random, apparently, because it's some kind of teen idol publication for teenage girls, yet Haru pretends to be completely absorbed in it. Rin tries to pay attention to the tiny tv screen fixed to the wall in the corner, desperately pushing away thoughts of how cute Haru looks when he's attempting nonchalance through his concern. Rin feels a stab of guilt for thinking of cute guys (Jesus, is he a fucking twelve year old girl?) when he should be thinking about his sick friend. 

The minutes stretch into an hour of awkward, fidgety silence, after which Dr. Ryuugazaki reappears. If possible, she seems even more strained than before, eyes tight. But her voice remains strong, businesslike. "He's in stable condition. He's going to require plenty of water and rest; I'm going to keep him here for the day to monitor him, but as far as I can foresee, he'll make a quick recovery."

Haru blinks at her; an expression of relief. "Thank you, Ryuugazaki-sensei."

"Rei's on his way," Rin adds in.

Dr. Ryuugazaki raises an eyebrow, considering them for a moment. "I think Nagisa-kun would like to see you both before Rei arrives." 

Haru and Rin share a look. "Okay," Haru says.

She leads them briskly down the whitewashed hall, fluorescent bulbs humming above them, the scent of antiseptic and traces of vomit assaulting Rin's nose. He shudders involuntarily- hospitals give him the creeps. Especially the smell.

Nagisa's propped up against a pile of pillows, eyes wide open, dressed in a short-sleeved pastel hospital gown that exposes his arms, which are lying limply at his sides. In one, stuck just below the elbow, is a thin plastic tube connecting to the bag of clear fluid hanging on a rack beside the bed. Both pale, delicate wrists are crossed with red, scabby slits.

A surge of white-hot emotion, a combination of hurt, anger, and fear, rises in Rin before he can stop it. "What the FUCK is this, Nagisa?!" he yells, storming across the room. "Did you do this to yourself?" His voice cracks embarrassingly at the end.

Nagisa hides his face behind his arm, hissing when it tugs at the IV. "Don't yell at me!"

"You can't just fucking- you can't- god, Nagisa..." and Rin doesn't even know what the fuck he's trying to say anymore because fine, yeah, he's crying, but how can he not? He can't possibly stop himself when the happiest, most positive, go-lucky guy he's ever met is sitting crumpled and broken in front of him with self-imposed slashes on his wrists. "How could you try to kill your-"

"I didn't," Nagisa shouts back, angry now. "I knew you'd do this if you found out. I don't need you fucking screaming-"

"Would you two kindly keep your voices down in my hospital," Dr. Ryuugazaki asks in a threateningly calm voice. "I understand you're both under considerable duress, but there are other patients in this wing trying to sleep." She checks her watch. "It's quite early."

"Sorry," they utter in unison. She sweeps her unreadable gaze across their miserable tableau and then retreats, closing the door behind her.

"I didn't try to kill myself," Nagisa begins the second the door clicks shut.

"Why the hell would you do this, then?" Rin looks back at Haru, hoping for some support here. Haru's staring out the window. Put him in a situation with actual emotions and he shuts down, as per usual.

Nagisa runs his hand through his hair, tousling it even further. He meets Rin's eyes. "It's not about wanting to die. It just...it makes me feel better when I'm sad."

Rin can't even begin to comprehend how Nagisa inflicting harm on himself could make him feel better. All he knows is that it's fucking sick and twisted. "How?"

"I don't know, okay? It just does. It's like...when..." Nagisa clutches a handful of loose fabric over his chest. "When it hurts so much inside I can't breathe...I need...I need something to focus on. To anchor me. And cutting...helps. The pain helps. Does that make any sense?"

Haru finally turns to look at Nagisa. "It does," he says quietly.

"...I don't get it," Rin grunts, scowling. He doesn't understand...not quite. He's never wanted to cut himself before. Although the thing about using pain as an anchor kind of makes sense. Rin's never thought about it too hard before, but he also dealt with things like that sometimes, in his own way.

"It's a control thing," Haru states. Nagisa nods.

"What, do you do it too?"

Haru's eyes flicker back to the window. "No. But I don't have to to understand."

"Thanks, Haru-chan," Nagisa says earnestly, leaning forward. "Please don't be mad, Rinrin."

Rin sighs. "I'm not-"

His phone rings, cutting him off. He pulls it out of his pocket. Incoming call from Speedo Glasses. Shit.

"Hello?"

"I'm here," Rei gasps on the other end. "Where are you?"

"Hang on. I'll come get you."

"Is he okay?" Rei sounds like he's on the verge of hyperventilating.

"Yeah. Just stay in the lobby." He hangs up gives Nagisa a guilty shrug. "Gotta go for a sec."

Nagisa's expression darkens. "Who was that?"

He's going to find out in about two minutes anyway, so Rin sucks it up and tells him while Nagisa's still hooked up to the IV and can't lunge at him. "Rei."

Panic steals over Nagisa's face. "No! I am NOT seeing him!"

"He came all the way here to make sure you're okay."

"I don't care, I-I can't. I just CAN'T. Not like this."

Haru strips his jacket in record time, holding it out for Nagisa, who looks startled for only a moment before taking it and shrugging it on over his shoulders. He puts one arm through the sleeve, but he can't do the other without taking out the IV, so he hides that hand under the loose weave of the hospital blanket.

Rin watches as Nagisa visibly schools his features into a bright-eyed, sunny smile. It hurts even more than seeing the cuts. "Okay. I'm ready."

 

 

Rei leans against the admissions desk, trying to catch his breath after sprinting all the way from the train station. He has no chance of getting on the track team if he doesn't start getting back into shape- but he doesn't have time to think of that now. All that matters is making sure Nagisa's alright.

"Oy vey," a voice says. Isn't that Yiddish? "OY, vey!"

"Pardon?" Rei asks, looking up. Rin's standing a few feet away in black muscle shirt and sweats, hands thrust into his pockets.

"I said oi, Rei. Twice." Of course he did. Why would anyone be speaking Yiddish? Although the expression "oy vey" has become generally accepted colloquial vernacular over the years. Rei shakes his head. He needs to keep his thoughts together.

"Is Nagisa-kun truly okay?" Rei knows it must have been a powerful stomach virus for him to end up in the hospital.

Rin hesitates for barely a second, but Rei registers it. He's not completely thick when it comes to human interaction....well, he's getting better at it. "He's okay now," Rin says. "Your mom took care of him pretty quick."

"Please, can I see him?" Rei's struck by self-doubt. "I mean...does he want to see me?"

"Yeah. C'mon."

Rei swallows as he matches Rin's pace down the hall. He's worried, and nervous, but underneath that, his heart flutters. Excitement. He can't wait to see Nagisa, even if only for a few minutes, to speak to him, just be in the same room with him. To see how he's doing. How utterly nonsensical human desire is.

His chest swells as soon as he sees Nagisa's smiling face- he's pale, sure, dark hollows under his eyes, but he looks good, other than that. So good that Rei has to catch himself before going over to kiss him. Sometimes it doesn't feel like they've broken up at all. Rin hangs back in the hallway, and Haru's standing with his back to the room, staring out the window.

"Rei-chan," Nagisa chirps. "I'm glad you came!"

"Of course I came. I had to make sure you're alright."

"I'm okay," he says breezily. "I just couldn't stop throwing up! I even barfed on Haru-chan."

Haru pulls himself away from the view at that. "I'm going to clean my pants." The evidence of Nagisa's sickness stains the front of his thigh. Rei looks away quickly. Vomit is high on his list of things he can't deal with. Rei knew before coming here that he may encounter it; Nagisa had a stomach bug, after all. He came anyway, because love trumps emetophobia. At least in theory.

He fixes his glasses, letting Haru pass him. "You...you're not still mad at me, Nagisa-kun?"

Nagisa shakes his head, wincing a little. "No, I'm not mad anymore."

"I...I'm sorry. I didn't mean what I said, about everything being your fault, because-"

"I know you were just stressed about exams and stuff," Nagisa says, voice tender and soft. "I forgive you."

Hope and relief flood every corner of Rei's mind. He grips the creases of his jeans to keep his hands from shaking. "Then..can...are we..." He swallows, squeezing his eyes closed. "I see no reason why we can't be boyfriends again."

"Rei-chan, look at me." Rei opens his eyes to meet Nagisa's, instantly knowing that he's not going to get the response he wants. "I don't feel that way about you anymore. I'm sorry. It was just a phase."

Rei suddenly feels like the room is a million degrees hotter- well, that's an exaggeration, more like seven degrees hotter. He shivers despite it, and there's ringing in his ears. "Oh." No other words come to mind.

Nagisa fidgets awkwardly with the blanket. "Yeah, so...that's how it is."

"Oh." Rei licks his lips. His mouth is so dry. "I see. Well, seeing as how you're alright and everything, I think I'll go now. I have...things. To do." Except his legs aren't moving.

"Wait, Rei-chan," Nagisa sighs, eyes shining with some emotion Rei can't figure out. "I'm sorry I didn't answer your messages. Can we still be friends?"

Rei's pretty sure he couldn't manage it if Nagisa didn't want to be his friend. "Yes. Yes, we can still be friends." Please talk to me, Rei thinks desperately. Please don't leave me behind.

"Can we shake on it, Rei-chan?" Nagisa gazes at him with his innocent sakura eyes wide open, a small, hesitant smile on his face.

What can Rei say? "Of course." He forces himself forward, clasping Nagisa's cold fingers in his own. It takes all of Rei's considerable will power not to pull Nagisa into a passionate kiss right there, to gather him into a lung-crushing hug and tell him how much he loves him, that he misses him every single second of every day, no, he's not exaggerating; that he wants Nagisa back.

Rei releases Nagisa's hand after a few short moments of contact, the most Rei's had with another human being in weeks, and turns on his heel for the door. "I will text you," he promises over his shoulder.

"Kay. Bye, Rei-chan!"

He doesn't even process Rin and Haru standing in the hall as he passes them, breaking into a run the minute he's out of sight of the door. He races aimlessly down the hall until he rounds the corner, coming up short in front of somebody. He can't see who for the tears clouding his vision. 

"Oh, honey," his mother says, wrapping her arms around him. 

 

 

Nagisa doesn't feel like anything. He's numb, empty. 

"What happened?" Rin asks, concern scribbled across his features.

"He asked me to be his boyfriend again. I told him he was just a phase."

Haru's eyes wander back to the window. Rin looks like he's been punched. "Why?!"

"It's better this way," Nagisa giggles. It's funny how easily he seems to hurt everyone he loves these days.

"Better for who?" Haru whispers.

"Better for Rei-chan," Nagisa says. And then he can no longer tell if he's laughing or crying. Is there really that much of a difference?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good news- I think we're reaching the end of the long, dark tunnel. Future chapters will have more hilarious shenanigans and smut.
> 
> Oh yeah, and tumblr. I have it. [rosaveritas.tumblr.com](http://rosaveritas.tumblr.com/), feel free to scream at me (or drop suggestions)


	9. Seek Your Turn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Makoto?"
> 
> Sousuke's expression makes Makoto gulp. "Yeah?"
> 
> "What if I told you that your singing turns me on?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again unedited, so I'm sorry for any glaring mistakes. I just wanted to get this up. I'm sorry for not delivering on my promise, but the chapter got waaaaay too long so I split it in half.
> 
> The OLDCODEX song for this chapter is "Seek Your Turn."

"Ready for the show?" Kisumi looks excited; he's been talking of nothing but their first show since it was scheduled. Even if it's only at the community center, for a fundraiser being held by the basketball team. Sousuke seems utterly unperturbed by the whole situation, lounging on Kisumi's couch with his arms behind his head, eyes closed.

Makoto assumes he must be the only one feeling nervous, furiously running over song lyrics and cues in his head. "I-I think so." It's for a fundraiser. He can do this. They've been practicing so much lately that he had to miss a couple of meetings for his other clubs; really, there's no reason why he should be this worried about it. He knows his stuff.

"You look pale," Sousuke says, opening one eye. "Better not get stage fright and chicken out."

"I would never do that," Makoto assures him. Sousuke makes a funny sound, flashing him a smile. What in the world does that mean? Lately, Makoto's heart races whenever Sousuke looks at him like that, and he's been doing it a lot. Looking at him like he's seeing something funny. Something he likes. Something he maybe...wants.

Since moving into their new dorm room together almost two months ago, Sousuke's been dropping all kinds of little hints, innuendos that even Makoto's not too oblivious to catch. The only problem is that they're just that; innuendos- they could mean something, but they could mean nothing. So far, Sousuke's promise to "show him the ropes" has consisted of lending Makoto a couple of DVDs (which made him blush so hard he'd hidden under the covers and pretended to be asleep when Sousuke came in) and telling him about a bar in the gay district of Tokyo with a lax IDing policy, as if Makoto would ever be brave enough to go there. Ever.

Makoto's too much of a coward to ask how Sousuke feels...besides, just because they're both gay doesn't automatically mean they have to date, after all, and it's probably a terrible idea for roommates to da- stop, stop. What the heck is he thinking? Makoto's feelings are so twisted; he can't get Sousuke's words out of his head, every double meaning, every inflection of his voice. He can't stop himself from wondering if Sousuke likes him. If he likes Sousuke. If there's a chance they could start something. Deeper than that, there's fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of ruining their blossoming friendship. Fear of letting go of his one-sided feelings for a certain blue-eyed freestyle swimmer back in Iwatobi. Is he ready to move on yet? Does he have to make a decision so soon? 

The answer is no, he doesn't, not as long as Sousuke's flirting remains so insubstantial, leaving him space to ignore it if he chooses. Makoto can continue pretending it's nothing, if he wants to. To acknowledge it would be to make it real, to make this into...something. The thought is terrifying, and yet...and yet. Sousuke's smile does make Makoto's heart pound. If he's being honest with himself, he's using the band as an excuse to spend more time with Sousuke, the same way he used the swim club to stay close to Haru. Except this time, he might actually be getting somewhere. If he's being honest with himself...he does like Sousuke. He does. More and more, as their friendship grows. 

"I know you wouldn't," Sousuke tells him, standing up and stretching in a way that reveals a peek of taut stomach and v-lines beneath the hem of his shirt. Makoto averts his eyes as quickly as possible. Now is not the time to be thinking of THAT. "But Makoto?"

Makoto meets his eyes. His striking turquoise eyes, so different from Haru's because Makoto can't read them. He tries to smile back. "Yeah?"

"Don't fuck up."

"He's not gonna fuck up," Kisumi says pleasantly, resting his arm across Makoto's shoulders. "He's amazing! Hasn't made a mistake in what, three whole practices? You're the one who should be watching out, Sou. You're iffy at the beginning of Seek Your Turn. Don't think I didn't notice." Makoto hadn't noticed anything. Then again, he'd been more focused on remembering his own cue.

Sousuke smirks. "Maybe I need to practice my fingering a little more." 

"Ew. If that's a sex joke, it's gross, and if it's not, then yeah, you do." Suddenly Makoto vividly recalls a scene from one of Sousuke's DVDs, heat rising in his cheeks. He absolutely has to stop his thoughts in his tracks. He can't think about THAT. Before, when it had been Haru, Makoto's fantasies- when he allowed himself to have such indecent thoughts about his best friend- had always involved Haru underneath, legs spread around Makoto's waist, surrendering to Makoto's touch, face open and vulnerable as it never was in real life. But now, watching Sousuke's strong, dexterous fingers find their mark on the strings of his guitar, pressing, stroking, moving in perfect rhythm, Makoto finds himself yearning for something else, the other half of the equation he never imagined for himself.

Once, in the shower, after a particularly uncomfortable conversation wherein Sousuke had asked him if he ever masturbated from behind (eliciting a series of shocked splutters on Makoto's part as he choked on his iced tea,) Makoto had tried it. He'd pressed his middle finger all the way inside, and it didn't hurt or anything, but it didn't exactly feel good, either, until he'd brushed something that made him shiver. He'd been too afraid to continue after that, though it had piqued his curiosity. Definitely. 

Maybe somebody with Sousuke's experience could do it properly, making him feel as good as the adult video actors always appear to. Making him- there, that's the thought he's really not supposed to be having. Oh, god, but now he is, with Sousuke standing right in front of him, asking him if he wants to get dinner before the show.

"Oh, um, okay. Sure. I'd like that."

"Cool," Sousuke says, heading for the stairs. "You coming, Kisumi?"

Kisumi narrows his eyes to slits. "You know I can't today. I have to set up for the fundraiser with the rest of the guys."

"Oh, right," Sousuke says, grin spreading further across his face. "I totally forgot."

"Whatever, douche. I'll see you guys there."

Makoto smiles apologetically, following after Sousuke. "Sorry."

Kisumi sighs. "You gotta stop apologizing for Sou all the time. You're way too nice."

Makoto's pretty sure that if Kisumi knew what kind of thoughts are spinning around in his head right now, he wouldn't think he was nice. To any degree. "Ah, well, somebody ought to apologize, and Sousuke's not going to, so it may as well be me. I don't mind coming across as 'too nice.' There are worse things to be."

"Yeah, well you can't let people walk all over you, Mako-kun. You're gonna get hurt."

Makoto stares at his shoes, because he's heard this before, from Nagisa and Rin, but getting out of the bad relationship he'd been in before hadn't done a single thing to make him feel better. The first few months in Tokyo had been spent fighting the urge to call, or text, or get back on the freaking plane and take a cab straight back to Haru's to tell him how sorry he was, how much he wanted things to just go back to the way they were before, to tell Haru that he'd just forget about it and pretend the fight never happened. 

He feels a heavy, warm hand on his arm, and realizes it's Sousuke's. Sousuke's touching him; grip firm, supportive, friendly. It feels so amazing to be touched by somebody. Makoto realizes with some surprise that he hasn't experienced much touch since going home for the break and having the twins hang all over him.

"This isn't family hour," Sousuke growls at Kisumi. "Leave him alone."

Kisumi cocks his head to the side. "Don't be jealous. I worry about both of you equally."

"I don't need anyone to worry about me," Sousuke snorts incredulously, pulling Makoto up the stairs. "Let's get out of here."

"Yes you dooooo," Kisumi's voice echoes up the stairwell after them.

 

 

"I don't think I've ever seen someone eat so much green curry," Sousuke remarks after dinner, as they make their way toward the community center.

"It's my favourite," Makoto says shyly. "And you've never met Nagisa. He's half my size and can eat twice as much." The sad part is that it's only a slight exaggeration.

"Still, three bowls is pretty impressive."

Makoto glances at Sousuke out of the corner of his eye. "I guess I sometimes tend to eat more when I'm, ah, nervous. It's a bad habit."

Sousuke stops to look at him. "So you're nervous about the show?"

"...Yeah. Very."

Grinning, Sousuke starts walking again. "I bet a couple of beers would fix that. Worked pretty well last time."

Makoto groans. "No way. Unless you want green curry on your shoes this time."

"I kept warning you to slow down," Sousuke recalls good-naturedly. "I'm serious, though. A drink or two can sometimes help."

"It's probably a bad idea." Even the thought of beer, combined with pre-show nerves and way too much dinner, is making him feel pretty queasy as it is. "I might forget the words."

"You're not gonna forget them."

Makoto rubs the back of his neck. "I might mess up the English."

"Aren't you taking English as an elective?" Sousuke asks, raising an eyebrow. "Besides, who the hell is gonna know if you fuck it up? Seriously, you have nothing to worry about." 

"I know," Makoto sighs. "I guess what I'm really worried about is..."

"Is...what?" Sousuke asks after a pause. He sounds genuinely concerned, and though it's understandable for him to be worried about his singer, in case it ruins the performance, Makoto would rather believe it's concern for a roommate. For a friend. "You can tell me."

Before, Makoto had had Haru, who could read what was bothering him but would never talk about it, and Rei and Nagisa, who were both willing to talk but could never tell when Makoto needed it, since he was always too shy to ask for himself. With Sousuke, it's different, and thinking about it, probably exactly what Makoto's been craving his entire life. Someone who's subtle enough to read him, yet bold enough to bring it up. Somebody comfortable that Makoto can talk to and...maybe even come to depend on. He can feel his ears going red. "I guess I'm worried about what people will think," he admits.

Sousuke's expression is unreadable in the growing twilight, eyes glittering under the street light as he surveys Makoto's face. After a moment he answers. "First of all, everyone's gonna think you're fucking awesome- don't kid yourself, and second of all, why do you care so much what they think?"

That's the question, isn't it? "I don't know. I...I want people to like me." What for, he's not entirely sure.

"People do like you. I haven't met a single person who doesn't." Sousuke's eyes are impossibly bright. Then he asks, casually, as if it isn't a seriously existential question: "Makoto, do you like yourself?"

It's too hard for Makoto to keep smiling. "I don't know. I don't even know...who I am. I don't know..." He looks up at the sky, which is too polluted by city light to see any stars. The pinpricks of light that do shine down are probably satellites. "During break I told my parents I joined a band."

"Yeah?" Sousuke takes the sudden topic change in stride. "What'd they say?"

"They just kind of shrugged it off. Didn't take it seriously. I don't think anybody knows I can sing," Makoto chuckles. "I can't even imagine their faces if they knew what kind of band it is. Nobody would ever believe it."

Sousuke claps Makoto's shoulder as they continue to walk. "Then this is your opportunity to show everyone what you can do."

"Yeah..." And since he's already spilling his secrets, he might as well continue. "I also told them I'm gay."

"Pretty brave of you," Sousuke comments. "How'd it go?"

"Fine. Again, they kind of shrugged it off. The night before I left, I heard my mom tell my dad it's just a phase."

Sousuke barks a laugh. "They always say shit like that. It's like people can't understand how a guy could legitimately like other guys."

"I know! Did your parents do the same thing?"

"Haven't told 'em. Probably never will."

The hall is in sight now, flooding light through the windows and out into the surrounding community park. Sousuke hangs back in the shadows, and Makoto hesitates. "Why not?"

"They don't need to know. It's not like I have an actual boyfriend at the moment, or anyone to introduce. What should I say? Hey mom, I fuck random dudes, rejoice!"

Makoto can't help but laugh, although he feels an odd twinge in his chest that might be jealousy. "That probably wouldn't work."

"No. But that's why I think you're brave for telling yours. It's something I'd never do." Sousuke smiles, direct, open.

Nobody's ever called Makoto brave before. Ever. His heart races as he meets Sousuke's gaze. "It didn't turn out the way I was hoping."

"What were you hoping?" Sousuke asks, voice low. Makoto realizes just how close together they're standing. Close enough to be mistaken for a couple.

Makoto's glad it's dark enough out to conceal his blush. "I wanted them to take me seriously."

"Forget about them," Sousuke says, grasping Makoto's wrist. "Take yourself seriously."

Maybe it's the touch, the way it reminds Makoto of another night, over a year ago, only in such stark contrast in emotion; maybe it's the night breeze, the distant rumble of talk and activity coming from the hall, so far away, making their space seem otherworldly, enchanted; perhaps it's the shadow cast across Sousuke's face, the light reflected in his eyes; maybe it's the way Sousuke's looking at him, like he's actually seeing what's in front of him, seeing more than Makoto likes to show the world; maybe it's all of these things, and something more- Makoto can't look away. He stares into Sousuke's face, his eyes, his lips, breath catching in his throat as they draw nearer.

"Like I do," Sousuke whispers, and then their mouths meet. It's nothing like Makoto expected from books or movies. It's just skin, lips touching. Soft at first, then firmer, more pressure, warm. Rougher than he'd imagined. But inside his chest, up his spine, blooming at the back of his head, is a tingle, a rush, an electric current that makes his heart stutter, his blood boil. 

All his confused feelings for Sousuke solidify in a split second. So he leans into the kiss, though he hasn't the faintest idea what he's doing; it's more to let Sousuke know he likes it than anything else. He follows his instincts, moving his lips against Sousuke's, learning from him. It lasts for a long time, long enough that Makoto loses track where they are, what they're doing, right in the middle of the sidewalk. 

Then Sousuke's hand is on the back of his head, threading through his hair, and it feels so good that Makoto nearly groans, sinking his fingers into the fabric of Sousuke's jacket. He feels drunk. Sousuke pulls back before Makoto does, but doesn't loosen his hold on Makoto's wrist. "I've wanted to do that for months," he says, composure unshaken.

Makoto can't formulate a response, dizzy, heart racing, face on fire. "M-months?"

"Yeah. Months."

This must be a dream. "But...why? Why me?" He's a naive virgin who doesn't know the first thing about Sousuke's world. They both know it.

"Because you're cute," Sousuke replies, pressing one more quick kiss to Makoto's stunned mouth. "You still nervous?"

Nervous...? Makoto realizes with a start that he'd completely forgotten about the show. "Shit, we're late!"

"Did you just swear?"

Makoto clasps Sousuke's arm and tugs, pulling him toward the door of the hall. "I do know curse words. I'm not completely oblivious." Everyone seems to think Makoto can't handle coarse language, but just because he refrains from using it, especially since he's around young children so often, doesn't mean he isn't familiar with it. He IS friends with Matsuoka Rin. Or was, rather. He's not really sure anymore, but either way, he's stored up an entire dictionary of crass expressions that would probably shock even Sousuke. Well, maybe not. 

"No, I guess you're only like ninety-five percent oblivious," Sousuke says, clearly amused. "But like I said, I'll show you the ropes."

"I was wondering when you were going to make good on your promise," Makoto replies, hurrying up the back steps of the building and pulling open the door.

"About time, you fucking asshole," Kisumi hisses over Makoto's shoulder at Sousuke. He's wearing black slacks, a white dress shirt, and an orange and red striped tie, drum sticks clutched in his hand, mouth pursed in disapproval. 

Makoto lets go of Sousuke's arm. "We are so, so sorry," he says, bowing.

"Oh, stop it." Kisumi rolls his eyes. "I know it's not your fault. But don't let Sou's bad habits rub off on you too much," he says, waving a drum stick in Makoto's direction.

Sousuke tosses his jacket on the back of a chair, taking his guitar out of its case and putting the strap over his head. "We can talk about what a bad influence I am later. Let's get this started."

Makoto doesn't have the time for nerves to attack him now, heading on stage after his bandmates. The hall is full of students, mostly guys on the various sports teams, there with their girlfriends and families. Makoto can easily pick out the basketball team because they're all dressed formally in suits, wearing ties that match Kisumi's. They all start to cheer when Kisumi picks up the mic, introducing himself and the band before tossing it to Makoto, who nearly drops it.

Then Sousuke starts, cutting the air with his powerful chords, and Kisumi adds his rhythm on the drums, and that's it, it's Makoto's cue, and he opens his mouth, words flowing out of him from memory. 

 

That's my way to rock, to push my back  
rely on luck, you all  
vivid flashback  
Oitsumerarete mo SEEK YOUR TURN 

 

Makoto keeps his eyes shut for most of it, standing still in the middle of the stage, feeling the music as well as hearing it, letting his emotion from the evening bleed into the lyrics. 

 

What's my way to run, to play with fun  
delay the plan, you all  
vivid flashback  
Katachi o kaete more slowly

 

His excitement. His fear. Everything. He pushes it out into the song, allowing it to fill the room and dissipate in waves, washing over everything and...letting it go. It's thrilling.

 

That's my way to rock, to push my back  
rely on luck, you all  
vivid flashback  
Katachi o kaete more story  
SEEK YOUR TURN

 

The feeling grows stronger and stronger as the evening goes on, song after song, and Makoto no longer fears messing up. He knows he won't. After the first song, he opens his eyes, watching everyone's reactions. They seem to love it. People howl and clap, and some of them dance, but they all genuinely seem to appreciate it, and that makes everything worth it. A huge weight lifts from Makoto's shoulders. 

Performing in front of people is so...freeing, in a strange way. It's all out there, everything on the table, and Makoto decides he doesn't care what people think as much as he thought he would, though the crowd seems to be receiving them pretty positively. He sings until his throat is raw and sore, until they have no other songs left on their repertoire, until both Sousuke and Kisumi are dripping with sweat and exhausted from playing. The applause is loud enough to rival the crowd at the national swim meet.

"Thank you! Thank you, everyone," Makoto says into the microphone, bowing. He couldn't stop smiling if he tried. Kisumi comes up and leans on Makoto's shoulder, loosening his tie. 

"That's right, guys," he yells into the room. "We're called Hidemind, and we're awesome!"

The basketball team rushes the stage all at once, whooping and lifting Kisumi onto their shoulders. The victorious look on Kisumi's face makes Makoto laugh.

"Let's get out of here," Sousuke mutters in Makoto's ear. "While everyone's distracted."

"Don't we have to take the equipment home?"

Sousuke shakes his head, leading Makoto off stage. "Kisumi's roommates will do it."

"But they hauled it all over here," Makoto protests. "That's not fair."

"Sure it is. We just played their lame fundraiser for free. And," he says, turning to Makoto. "You fucking nailed it."

"Thanks," Makoto beams. "You were amazing, too. So was Kisumi! I really should go back and tell him-"

Sousuke grabs Makoto's hand, dragging him into the night air. "Tell him tomorrow. He's gonna get drunk off his ass tonight. Probably won't even remember it."

That's likely true. And Makoto doesn't want to get in the way of Kisumi's time with his team. He knows firsthand that teams can be like families, especially if they live together like the basketball team does. Makoto follows a step behind, noticing how sweat-soaked Sousuke's t-shirt is. "You forgot your jacket."

"I'm sure it'll turn up with the rest of our stuff," Sousuke says, a touch breathless.

"Are you okay?" 

"Just need a minute," he answers, slowing his walking pace. "It was a really intense show. I'm not used to working that hard. Makoto?"

Sousuke's expression makes Makoto gulp. "Yeah?"

"What if I told you that your singing turns me on?"

It takes more than a moment for Makoto's adrenaline-buzzed brain to process that statement. His singing turns Sousuke on. Sousuke's staring at Makoto, grinning, hands shoved deep in the pockets of his jeans. It's dark, but Makoto imagines that his cheeks look slightly flushed, and his eyes...Makoto's never seen them hooded like that before. Sousuke's turned on. By him.

"My...singing?" Makoto licks his lips, trying to moisten his dry mouth. Trying to keep himself calm. Trying to ignore the fact that knowing Sousuke's turned on is making his own body respond. Memories of their earlier kiss come flooding back to him, hampering his control.

He doesn't pull back when Sousuke steps toward him, eyes focused and clear. "Don't lick your lips like that."

"W-why?"

"It's sexy," Sousuke murmurs, and then they're kissing again, hotter this time, harder. Makoto clutches the back of Sousuke's shirt, opening his mouth for Sousuke's tongue, letting himself be taken and explored. He senses Sousuke's arousal pressing into his leg, and that's it, he's gone, heat rushing to his belly. He's never been this turned on before in his life. When Sousuke runs a hand through his hair, he moans, open-mouthed, into the kiss.

"Do you want this?" Sousuke asks, voice low and husky. It sends shivers down Makoto's spine. 

"W-what?" He doesn't want to misread the situation, as clear as he might think it is.

"Sex," Sousuke replies, clearly, so there can be no misunderstanding. "Do you want to have sex with me. Tonight."

Makoto flushes. Sousuke's bound to be able to feel his erection. He must know what Makoto wants. The fact that he still asked is both embarrassing and respectful. "Yes," Makoto gasps, hiding his face against Sousuke's shoulder. 

"Then let's go home."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will be in the trash at [rosaveritas.tumblr.com](http://rosaveritas.tumblr.com/) if anyone needs me.


	10. Louder Than Ever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Lose the towel, then. It's nothing I haven't seen before."
> 
> "What?" Makoto squeaks. "When?"
> 
> Sousuke laughs at his reaction. "Not yours, I just meant...in general."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't even know what this is. Also, I don't know what this "editing" is that everyone's always talkin' about. So if this is complete garbage, I'm sorry.

Ninety-five percent oblivious, Sousuke thinks to himself, unlocking the door to their room. He glances to the side to enjoy Makoto's red face and downturned puppy eyes, the way he nervously licks his lips from time to time, squirming slightly in a vain attempt to hide his erection. He looks so fucking edible. 

"After you," he says, gesturing for Makoto to go first. He flicks on the lights, shutting and locking the door.

"Um..." If possible, Makoto's even redder than before.

"Yeah? You still wanna do this?"

Makoto nods, fisting his hands into his pant legs. "I do, just...should I, ah...I mean, can I shower first?"

Okay. Ninety-four percent oblivious. "Knock yourself out. I'll be here."

Makoto collects his towel and heads into the bathroom. Sousuke's happy that the second year dorm rooms each have their own bathroom; he likes to listen to Makoto hum in the shower. He gets off on it, actually. Stripping his sweaty shirt, Sousuke tosses it at the basket under his bed, not caring when it misses. Hm. He could do with another layer of deodorant before this starts. And fuck, is he ever excited for it to start. He hasn't been this hard in a long time.

Sousuke drops his jeans and kicks them under the bed alongside his shirt, flopping down on his back. Makoto in the shower. Makoto, hard in the shower, cleaning himself, getting himself prepared for Sousuke. For his first time. Sousuke slides his index finger along the length straining against the front of his boxers, imagining how tight Makoto will be. How nice his face will look. How his voice might sound, hoarse and raw from singing, crying out. It'll be a welcome change from the usual subdued, quiet Makoto. 

Because honestly, regular Makoto is boring. He really is too nice, too decent, too good. But lately, Sousuke's been seeing little cracks in Makoto's facade; underneath there's something raw, powerful, dynamic; it's something that comes out when Makoto sings. Every rehearsal, watching Makoto lose himself in angry lyrics, gets Sousuke so revved up he has to lock himself in the bathroom for a while, searching for furious, desperate release.

The show had been nothing like rehearsal. He may have been fueled by the pre-show kiss, or the crowd; Sousuke doesn't know what, but the energy he was getting off Makoto while he performed was enough to have him rock hard by the third song. Lucky thing he could hide it behind his guitar. And the kiss afterward, getting inside Makoto's mouth, that moan, feeling him rub up against Sousuke's leg- it was all so un-Makoto, so intense, so exciting. It was fucking sexy as hell. Sousuke stops stroking himself when he realizes he's leaking precum onto the front of his underwear. God, and he hasn't even seen Makoto naked yet. The thought makes his desire swell even more.

The shower turns off after about twenty minutes, and then there's silence from the bathroom. Sousuke hopes to god Makoto isn't getting dressed. What if he changed his mind? The lock clicks and the door swings open, releasing a cloud of steam into the room. Makoto's standing timidly in front of Sousuke's bed, hair dripping rivulets of water down his chest and abs, naked save for the towel wrapped around his hips. He's still very much aroused, Sousuke can see from the tented state of the towel, fidgeting with a piece of wet hair, eyes on the floor.

"Hey," Sousuke says, sitting up. "Look at me. I'm not gonna bite. Unless you want me to."

Makoto raises his head, eyes widening as they travel down the length of Sousuke's body. He licks his lips again, ears going red. "I-I don't know what I want," he stammers. "I've never done this before."

And he just looks so lost, so confused, that Sousuke has to say something to reassure him. "You know how they say you should save yourself for marriage?"

"Well...yeah. Or at least for someone you're in love with."

"Right," Sousuke says, breezing right past THAT for the moment. "It's all bullshit."

Makoto tugs at the corner of his towel. "How so?"

"You're not gonna regret it for the rest of your life if it's not like that. It's just sex." He leans forward, brushing the back of Makoto's hand. "Do you trust me?"

"I do trust you." Sousuke figured as much. Makoto seems like the exceptionally trusting kind of person, the type who believes in the inherit goodness of humanity. In a way, it feels good to be trusted. He certainly doesn't get any trust from Kisumi, or his parents. Or professors, or...pretty much anyone.

"Okay, well, we're friends, right? I like you. You don't have to be nervous with me. Try to relax." And Makoto does, visibly. 

"I like you, too," he says, offering Sousuke a smile. "I'm glad it's with you, and not some stranger I met in a bar." He seems a touch more confident.

Sousuke loves that confidence. It appears in the most surprising places, like when Makoto's doing literature homework. Or talking about his day working with the kids at the pool. And especially when he's singing. "Lose the towel, then. It's nothing I haven't seen before."

"What?" Makoto squeaks. "When?"

Sousuke laughs at his reaction. "Not yours, I just meant...in general."

"Can you do it first? Please. I...I've never..."

"Sure." Standing, Sousuke tucks his thumbs under his boxers, tugging them down and letting them drop to the floor. Makoto's reaction is beautiful, a sharp gasp, bordering on a whine, eyes huge. "Take off the towel."

Makoto untucks the edge, closing his eyes before he lets his covering fall. The lines of his hips are sharp, contrasting gorgeously with the curve of his ass and his strong, well-muscled thighs. His shape is everything Sousuke imagined to be hiding under his swim suit in his Facebook photos. What he can't fathom, however, is how those tight jammers managed to conceal Makoto's cock. His erection is no fucking joke, that's for sure, flushed and standing up against his abs.

Sousuke takes his time examining Makoto's nakedness, smirking at the way it makes him squirm. "Stop looking at me," Makoto finally groans, hiding his face behind his hands.  
"Why? You're really hot, Makoto. I like looking at you." God, is it ever satisfying to make that boy blush. It's not like it's hard, either. "Are you okay with me touching you now?"

Makoto nods, shy, peeking out from between his fingers. Sousuke would love to tie his hands to the headboard, get them out of the fucking way. He needs a proper view of Makoto's face. The thought of Makoto all tied up beneath him makes Sousuke's dick twitch, swelling even harder. Enough waiting. Sousuke runs his hand down Makoto's chest, across his stomach, and carefully grasps him around the base. 

He's prepared for Makoto's gasp, pressing his lips to Makoto's, slipping his tongue in. Makoto responds slowly, clumsily moving his tongue alongside Sousuke's, shuddering and gasping as Sousuke starts to stroke his length. Sousuke trails his other hand over Makoto's back, cupping his ass and giving it a decent squeeze. Makoto groans into his mouth.

"Damn, you're sensitive," Sousuke remarks, swiping his thumb over Makoto's tip; he's already so, so wet. And never before been touched by hands other than his own. Sousuke takes great pleasure and pride in knowing that he's going to be the one to dirty Makoto up. 

"I'm sorry," Makoto breathes, hips shaking with the effort of keeping them still. Sousuke slows his speed, massaging the underside of Makoto's tip. He alternates between pumping him and teasing his slit, gathering the beads of precum that dribble out, slicking him up, moving faster in response to Makoto's moans. Sousuke can't even remember the last time he got such a good reaction from a simple hand job.

"Don't be sorry. I like it." Sousuke swipes up a fresh glob of wetness, staring Makoto in the eye as he brings it to his mouth, tasting it with a flick of his tongue. Makoto promptly turns the shade of a cherry tomato. "Want me to suck your cock?"

"I-I don't know," Makoto splutters. 

Sousuke puts his hands on Makoto's shoulders, making him sit down on the bed. "It feels even better. Trust me." Getting to his knees, Sousuke slides his hands up Makoto's thighs, loving the way they tremble when he spreads them. "Hang onto my shoulders." 

Makoto does as he's told, resting his hands gently on Sousuke. Sousuke sucks Makoto's tip into his mouth, tonguing his slit, and within ten seconds, Makoto's fingers are digging into him as though he's holding on for dear life. Sousuke takes in as much of him as possible, swallowing around him to make it tight, holding Makoto's hips down. It takes a lot more force than he's used to, because Makoto's actually pretty strong, thighs trying desperately to clamp around Sousuke's sides. 

Sousuke pulls his mouth back, focusing his efforts on Makoto's tip again, and then sucks him back in, using one hand to work Makoto's base. The way Makoto whines and twitches is undeniably sexy. Sousuke glances up through his lashes while he sucks, only to see Makoto with his face red, lips pressed together, eyes screwed shut. "Uhhhhh, Sousuke, get off," he wails, "I'm gonna come!"

To be fair, Makoto's lasted a hell of a lot longer than Sousuke assumed he would. He leans his full weight against Makoto, who's trying his best to push Sousuke off, and swallows one more time. He feels Makoto's orgasm start, causing his legs to tremble, spurting hot come into Sousuke's mouth, which he easily takes and swallows. Makoto shudders violently as he comes, breath hitching as he cries out wordlessly. It's even better than his singing, and fuck, does Sousuke ever want him. 

"S-sorry, I'm sorry," Makoto repeats over and over. 

Sousuke pulls off his dick and looks up at him, licking the rest of Makoto's come off his lips. "Stop saying you're sorry."

"But it's so..."

"So what," Sousuke asks, sitting next to him on the bed. "Gross? There's a reason I'm gay, Makoto. I don't think this kind of stuff is bad. It turns me on." He gestures to his painfully hard cock, just to make sure Makoto understands. "Wanna know how it tastes?"

Makoto's shocked expression is so funny he can't help but laugh, cupping his face and drawing him in for another kiss. He expects Makoto to pull away immediately, not preemptively lap into his mouth with his tongue. The kiss tastes like come and Makoto's peppermint toothpaste. He clings to Sousuke, humming deep in his throat. How fucking cute can one person be?

"I guess it's not that bad," Makoto admits, panting by the time they part.

Sousuke shrugs. "Depends what you eat."

"Oh." The weirdest things make that idiot blush. "Do you want me to do it to you? It's not fair if I'm the only-"

"Quit worrying so much about things being fair," Sousuke says, pushing Makoto down so he's laying on the bed. "I intend to get off tonight. Don't worry about me." And he seriously doubts Makoto would be able to get him off like that on the first try. Sousuke will have to teach him about that some other time. Like tomorrow, maybe.

Makoto meets him with a curious gaze. "How are you going to get off?"

"Inside you." Makoto blanches, his chest heaving up and down even faster. He hides his face. Sousuke grabs his wrists, prying them away and pinning them at his sides, using his knees to spread Makoto's legs open. "Scared?"

"Yeah," Makoto whispers, glancing down toward Sousuke's hips. "It's never going to fit."

"Wanna bet?" Sousuke reaches under his bed and searches for the bottle of lube he knows is kicking around down there. "I can't promise it won't hurt the first time, but it's definitely not gonna be that bad. I know what I'm doing. You still trust me?"

Makoto nods. "I still trust you."

"Good." Sousuke sits back on his legs, popping open the cap on the bottle and squirting a liberal amount of lube into his palm. "Spread your legs for me. No, more than that. Use your hands."

Reluctantly, Makoto hooks his hands under his knees, hugging them as close to his chest as possible. For such a big guy, he's incredibly flexible. Sousuke would love to have a poster made of this view- Makoto's face bright pink with embarrassment and apprehension, eyes wide and curious, stretched open in front of Sousuke, vulnerable, dick half-hard and slicked with come and saliva, tight hole just begging to be fucked into. Jesus, he's so appetizing and more than Sousuke had ever imagined.

Slicking his fingers, Sousuke's struck with the sadistic urge just to go for it- but glancing back at Makoto's expression changes his mind. Makoto really does trust him, for some weird reason. So instead, he runs a lubed finger up the crease of Makoto's ass, teasing his hole gently. "Ever touched yourself here?"

"I tried it once wh-aaaahhhhh!" He cuts off into a surprised cry when Sousuke slips his index finger inside, up to the knuckle in one fluid motion. 

Sousuke laughs. Damn, his reactions are just too good. "Does it hurt?"

"No," Makoto whimpers. "It feels...weird..."

Moving his finger tentatively, Sousuke searches for Makoto's sweet spot, thankful that his fingers are so long. He knows immediately when he's found it, because Makoto's face goes even redder than before, and his thighs tremble. Sousuke works him for a while, opening him up, loving the soft gasps Makoto produces. "I'm putting in another one. Okay?"

"O-okay."

It slips in with only minor resistance, allowing Sousuke to reach even deeper, twisting his wrist just so to tease Makoto's prostate, scissoring him open wider. He's so tight- the thought of entering him like this makes heat pool in Sousuke's belly, but no, not yet. Makoto needs a lot of preparation before that. And fuck, is Makoto ever loud in bed. He's probably a screamer. It's so different from his usual quiet, calm self that it makes Sousuke shiver in anticipation.

After a particularly well-placed thrust, Makoto lets out a lewd moan and throws his arms across his face, letting his legs drop. The pressure around Sousuke's fingers intensifies. So. Fucking. Tight. Sousuke's honestly not sure how much longer he can put up with this. He wants to fuck the living daylight out of Makoto. "Makoto."

"Hahh...y-yeah?"

"Roll onto your side." Since actually listening and holding his legs open like a good boy doesn't seem to be working. Sousuke stamps down his urge to truss Makoto up. It wouldn't work to scare the poor innocent soul away...although that thought in itself makes Sousuke's cock twitch. No, if he's seriously thinking about this, he does like Makoto. Enough to want this to be somewhat pleasant for him.

Once Makoto's complied, hugging Sousuke's pillow to his chest, Sousuke lifts his leg and drapes it over his shoulder. He pushes in a third finger, watching the sweat break out on Makoto's forehead. "Hurt yet?"

"A little," Makoto groans. "B-but not too much."

Sousuke starts out slow, thrusting his fingers up against Makoto's sweet spot, getting off on the way Makoto's hole twitches around him, thighs trembling, eyes squeezed shut as he moans into the pillow. Sousuke notes with a thrill that he's fully erect again. He increases his speed, giving Makoto a taste of what's to come, fucking into him hard.

Makoto's hand fists through his own hair, pushing his damp bangs out of his eyes. His cock twitches hard against his abs and he lets out the lustiest moan Sousuke's heard yet. "Sh-shit," he cries. The second swear of the evening. Now they're really getting somewhere. And now Sousuke's really at his limit.

"Ready for my cock?" he asks, pulling his fingers out with a loud squelch. Makoto shivers at the loss of pressure, opening his eyes.

"Guys really can come from behind," Makoto gasps, shock written all over his face.

Sousuke takes that as an affirmative to his question and fumbles in the ether under his bed for protection. "Yep. You probably won't this first time," he says, tearing open the foil packet and rolling the condom down with a few firm strokes of his fist. He can feel Makoto's eyes on him as he does it. "But don't worry. I'll make sure you still come. Hard."

He doesn't give Makoto time to stammer a response, grabbing his knees and coaxing him onto his back. Pushing his legs open, Sousuke takes a good long moment to take in Makoto's dick, impressively hard and flushed against his belly, his well-muscled body, glistening with sweat and some remaining shower water, and his tight, pink hole, twitching and wet with lube. "Do you want this, Makoto?" It's just too much fun to tease.

"...Yes. Please," Makoto says seriously, propping himself up on his elbows to look at Sousuke squarely for the first time since they began. Meeting his honest, emerald eyes, Sousuke discovers that he kind of likes it. "And I'm happy it's with you."

What the fuck kind of thing is that to say in the middle of sex? Who says that, smiling and tilting their head to the side so endearingly, like they're not just about to get fucked in the ass? Makoto really is too fucking adorable. It's sickening, really. Sousuke has no idea what to say, so he distracts Makoto with a kiss. 

Makoto's tongue is still clumsy and new at this, but he twines it around Sousuke's, and there's something about the way he moves that's strong, confident, almost relaxed- Sousuke wonders if that's the real Makoto coming through. If it is, then Sousuke might be in trouble in the future, because this is the kind of kissing that really gets him fired up.

Sousuke continues the kiss as he searches in the sheets for the lube, breaking it only to uncap the bottle and slick himself up. He spreads Makoto's legs, which open easily under his touch, and uses one hand to line himself up. Makoto tenses up immediately. "You have to relax. It's gonna hurt like shit if you don't."

"It's just...it's hard," he breathes, one arm flung across his eyes. 

"I know exactly how it feels. I'll be gentle." Sousuke runs his hands up and down Makoto's inner thighs, then moves to his neglected erection. Circling it, he starts to pump, slow and steady, until Makoto whimpers again and his hips start to strain upwards. Sousuke takes the moment to snap his own hips forward, burying himself in three quick thrusts. 

"Ow, fuuuuuck, fuck, it hurts," Makoto mewls helplessly, body clenching and trying to expel the new presence, hands coming up to claw as Sousuke's back. He's very strong, almost Sousuke's match, and it hurts, in the most delicious way. And those uncharacteristic swears tearing out of his mouth, in that angelic voice of his, raw and cracking. It drives Sousuke mad with lust. It takes everything in him to hold still, allowing Makoto time to adjust.

As a distraction, Sousuke continues working Makoto's cock, getting him back up to full hardness, massaging his sensitive slit with his thumb. After a few minutes, Makoto's clenching stops, his body relaxing gradually, letting Sousuke push his way further inside, centimeter by centimeter, until he hits it. Makoto shudders, gasping, head pressing back into the mattress. "There," he groans. "It feels d-different..."

Sousuke answers him by bending down to crush their mouths together, biting gently on Makoto's lower lip as he thrusts his hips forward, again and again, keeping up his relentless stroking of Makoto's cock, feeling precum start to drip and squelch between his fingers. Faster, harder, he jolts his hips, listening to Makoto unravel beneath him, fingertips digging into his skin, crying wantonly into Sousuke's mouth. 

Sousuke feels his pent up orgasm approaching, hot and electrifying, coiling tighter and tighter in his belly until he snaps with a grunt, fucking himself hard into Makoto's ass as powerful shudders wrack through his body. A few more pumps of his hand, one more flick of his thumb over Makoto's tip, and he's coming too, clenching down hard around Sousuke's dick, trembling like a leaf in the wind. And he is most definitely, as Sousuke predicted, a screamer, moaning Sousuke's name in the most erotic fashion. Hot come spatters into Sousuke's hand as he strokes him through it, thick ropes spurting between his fingers and pearling across Makoto's stomach.

The room fills with ragged panting as they climb down from their highs together. Sousuke realizes he's sweating, beads of it slipping down his chest and back. The window in the small room has fogged up from shower steam and the heat of their recent exertions. Makoto gazes at the ceiling, eyes unfocused, lips parted in a way that gives him an expression of utter confusion. His chest rises and falls erratically as he tries to catch his breath. "Hey, Makoto? You okay?"

Makoto blinks, slow, eyes blurry, and then turns them to Sousuke's face. "Yeah," he starts out in his normal, cheerful voice- but then it cracks. "I'm f-fi...ne." His lower lip quivers and he presses his lips together, turning moist eyes back to the ceiling. He's...crying? This is the one fucking thing Sousuke doesn't know how to deal with. Had Makoto really hated it that much? Fuck. Sousuke's pride is more than a little stung.

"Geez, I didn't think I was that bad of a lay," he says, pulling out and getting rid of the condom.

"You're not," Makoto chokes out, pinching the bridge of his nose, eyes closed. Tears squeeze out from under his lashes and slip onto the pillow. "It was good. I liked it. I don't know why I'm crying. You must think I'm s-such an idiot." His voice wavers like a lost child's. And Sousuke feels...strange. Is it guilt? He's not really sure what this new feeling is, but he knows he doesn't want Makoto to cry.

"Nah. I don't think you're an idiot."

Makoto wipes his eyes with the back of his hand. "I'm fine. Really." He lets out a sound that's probably supposed to sound like a self-reproachful chuckle, but ends up more like a muffled sob.

"Why do you always fucking do that," Sousuke asks softly.

"What?" He's still covering his eyes.

Sousuke sighs. "Pretend everything's okay when it's not. You're allowed to feel emotions other than happiness, Makoto. It's what normal people do."

A fresh flood of tears trickles down Makoto's face as he shakes his head. "No. I-I can't. If I'm not happy all the time, then Har- then people...people won't like me." So this is about fucking Nanase Haruka. That guy had messed Makoto up bad. Sousuke had thought to himself a while back that he wanted to tear off Makoto's angel wings, but it looks like he's been beaten to it. It's just that Makoto's been so damn good at hiding it from everyone.

"That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard," Sousuke growls. "If you wanna cry, go ahead and cry. If you wanna scream and punch the walls, just do it. I'll still like you. Kisumi'll still like you. I don't know what kind of fucking friends you had in your life before that made you feel like you have to play pretend every day, but it pisses me off."

At that, Makoto really starts to cry, curling in on himself, pressing his face into the pillow to try to suppress the noise. It's mostly ineffective. Sousuke seriously could use some help with this whole situation. He doesn't know what to do, but he can't exactly leave. Where the hell would he go? And the whole thing is his fault, so he better stay and answer for it. He puts his pants back on and sits on the edge of the bed, listening to Makoto's break down, until the sobs slowly peter out, replaced with loud, ragged breathing and the occasional hiccup.

"Feel any better?" he asks tentatively.

Makoto finally rolls over to face him, eyes red and puffy, cheeks tearstained. For some reason, the sight makes Sousuke's heart pound. Makoto takes another shaky breath. "Yeah. A lot better." He smiles sheepishly. "I'm really sorry."

Sousuke crosses his arms over his chest. "You don't have to apologize. I guess you, uh, just weren't ready for this kind of thing."

"That's not true!" Makoto pushes himself up and sits back against the headboard, giving Sousuke the most earnest look he's ever been on the receiving end of. "I liked it. I think I actually needed it. It felt...incredible. Even if it didn't mean anything to you, it was special for me."

Sousuke's glad he's not drinking anything right now, because he'd probably spit it out in the most cartoonish fashion. "That's the cheesiest crap I've ever heard. And don't just assume it didn't mean anything to me."

"Oh," Makoto says, twisting a bit of sheet in his hands. Even with a limp dick and puffy eyes, come drying on his stomach, Makoto's naked body and genuine expression are a sight to behold. "Does that mean we can...do it again sometime?"

The sheer hope in Makoto's voice is enough to make Sousuke laugh. "Maybe. Are you trying to flirt with me?"

"Maybe," Makoto smiles.

"First of all, I'm gonna have to teach you how to do that a whole lot better. You're supposed to do it before you get in bed with someone, not after. And as for your question," Sousuke stretches his back, pretending to take his time thinking about it. "I guess it depends on if you're gonna turn on the waterworks every fucking time. 'Cause it's not really my thing."

"I promise I won't ever cry in bed with you again," Makoto says solemnly. It's only slightly ruined by the way his entire face flushes.

"Don't make promises you can't keep," Sousuke teases, smirking. He tosses Makoto his damp towel from off the floor.

Makoto giggles, looking down as he uses it to clean himself up. "Thank you for everything, Sousuke." He's so girlish sometimes.

"Whatever. Don't worry about it."

"...You kind of remind me of my friend Rin sometimes," Makoto finally says, flashing Sousuke one of those stupid, pure, angel smiles. "But you'd probably hate him. He cries all the time."

"Yeah. Doesn't sound like my type."

"What is your type?"

Sousuke considers this. "I...don't know. I guess I haven't found it out yet. What's yours?"

Makoto looks out the window, saying nothing. Sousuke's pretty sure the answer is "sulky-black-haired-freestyle-swimmers-who-treat-me-like-crap." And suddenly, Sousuke understands the complex feeling that's been shadowing the back of his mind all night. 

He feels protective. Though his feelings for Makoto are far from love, they're decidedly more than normal friendship. He kind of wants to take care of the naive bastard. Well, this is certainly not boring anymore. No, not boring at all- now it's starting to get exciting. Just the way Sousuke likes.

"If you're going to space out like that, you should go to bed."

Makoto shakes himself out of his reverie. He does look pretty tired. "Yeah, I guess so." He moves to get up, staggering as soon as his feet hit the ground. 

Sousuke catches him, wrapping an arm around his naked waist for support. He's fairly heavy, but his bed is only a few feet away. "Careful, Bambi."

"Ow," Makoto replies, getting under his own covers as gingerly as possible. "I feel like I've been hit by a truck. I hope I can walk tomorrow."

"You're welcome," Sousuke laughs, stripping the soiled sheets from his bed. No way does he feel like sleeping in a pool of used lube tonight.

He's aware of Makoto's eyes on him again. "You could...um, sleep over here. If you want."

Sousuke turns, eyeing Makoto's twin bed frame dubiously. "I don't think we're both gonna fit."

"Sure we can," Makoto says cheerfully, scooting back against the wall with a wince.

"Fine," Sousuke agrees, bending to retrieve his cell out of the pocket of his jeans. He likes to browse on it before going to sleep. "But if I wake up on the floor, you're dead."

"Really? What are you going to do? I think I'm already going to need a wheelchair because of you," Makoto says, smiling his pleasant, benign smile. And that...THAT. There it fucking is. Sousuke's so excited about it that he can't stop the wicked grin that spreads across his face. THIS Makoto is going to be so much more fun.

"A wheelchair will be the least of your problems," Sousuke promises, flicking off the light and slipping into bed. He arranges himself on his side, back toward Makoto, so they aren't in each other's faces. Even with them both on their sides, there isn't much room in the bed- Sousuke can feel Makoto's hips pressing into his ass. It's not entirely unpleasant. Makoto sighs behind him, a satisfied hum escaping the back of his throat. Cute as fuck. 

Sousuke unlocks the screen on his phone. "Seventeen texts and six calls," he announces.

"From who?" Makoto shifts so he can look over Sousuke's shoulder.

"Kisumi. Let's see what we've got. Where the fuck are you, you guys suck for ditching, I'll pay you back for this. Dammit Sou I know what you're doing to that poor boy, leave him the fuck alone-"

Makoto laughs richly at that. "Kisumi knew?! This whole time?"

"I told you I've been wanting to do it for months. Kisumi's been trying to stop me."

"Aw. That's kind of sweet. In a weird way."

Sousuke glances over his shoulder at Makoto. "Who, me or him?"

"Both of you, I guess. I'm so glad you forced me to join your band."

"Nobody forced you. You're a club slut, Makoto."

"Shit," he groans. "That reminds me. I have Korean homework due tomorrow."

"That's your fifth swear tonight," Sousuke points out. "And it's two in the morning. If you turn on the light, I'll kill you."

Makoto lets out a resigned sigh. "I'll get up early and do it."

"Whatever. Wanna listen to the voicemails?"

"Sure," Makoto says, resting his arm on Sousuke's shoulder. It's heavy and warm. It feels nice. 

"I love you guys so much. So much," Kisumi's drunken voice slurs through the phone speakers. "You guys...are my breast fends."

Makoto shakes with suppressed laughter, clinging to Sousuke's arm, which only makes it harder for Sousuke to contain his own amusement. "What an idiot," he laughs affectionately.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Questions? Requests? Knock-knock jokes? Send 'em my way at [rosaveritas.tumblr.com](http://rosaveritas.tumblr.com/)


	11. What I Want

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Makoto discovers something about himself, Haru attempts to human, and the Matsuoka siblings plan a surprise for Rei.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: The Japanese school year is divided into three terms. The first starts in April and goes until the end of June, then students have a break until early September, when the second term starts, lasting until the end of December. The third term lasts from January to the end of March. Sorry for any confusion here.
> 
> Also, the legal drinking age in Japan is 20.

"You don't have to go to class," Sousuke says, lounging on his own bed with his arms linked behind his head. He's in just his boxers, listening to music in one ear while he watches Makoto get ready. Or try to get ready.

Makoto had dragged himself out of bed at six, a decision he expects he'll regret for the rest of the day. Sousuke had been back in his own bed by then, snoring away, but Makoto hadn't minded. One bed was far too cramped for the both of them to share comfortably. 

Besides, getting out of bed was hard enough without having to climb over Sousuke. Makoto had had to bite back a few moans as he stretched out his back and thighs. All of his muscles burned and ached, muscles that he hadn't even known he had. To say nothing of the deep-rooted throb in his hips. He isn't looking forward to having to go to the washroom.

"I did the homework, so I might as well go," Makoto answers, yawning as chooses a pair of jeans to wear. "And I can't afford to miss any classes."

"Nerd."

"Heyyy, I am not a nerd!"

"You look like one, with those glasses on."

Makoto sighs, willing his leg up so he can step into his pants. He has to lean against the wall to keep stable. "I'm too tired to put contacts in. My eyes are already sore."

"Whatever you say," Sousuke says, scratching his stomach. His prominent, perfectly sculpted abs...Makoto tears his eyes away, reaching into his wardrobe for a shirt and pulling it over his head, forgetting to take his glasses off first. 

"Gahh, they're such a pain," he complains, stretching the shirt collar awkwardly so he can pull it down. "Maybe I _should_ put my contacts in."

"Wait a sec," Sousuke says, getting up. He pads over to Makoto, examining him closely. "I thought glasses are supposed to make guys look cool. Or at least smart."

Makoto's understands that Sousuke tends to insult people and things he likes. It's an odd way of showing affection, but it is one of the traits that reminds Makoto of Rin. "I guess it depends on the person. My friend Rei looks amazingly cool in glasses," Makoto laughs fondly. "But I don't think I could ever look cool. I'm...just...me." Sousuke's intense gaze makes him feel uncomfortably warm, remembering last night.

Sousuke snorts, shaking his head like something's funny. "I like them on you," he finally says, turning to his own wardrobe and opening it. "Anyway, you better get going. You're gonna be late, nerd." 

Makoto picks up his backpack off the floor, wincing at the strain on his thighs. "Um...so...what's the...deal?"

"What do you mean?" Sousuke turns his head, glancing back at Makoto with one eye.

Makoto fidgets with the strap on his backpack, determined to get through this conversation. He has no idea what he's doing, so he's hoping Sousuke can take the lead here. "Well, last night, you kind of made it sound like you'd maybe be interested in...um...uh, doing that again. So I was just wondering...what that means."

"You still have feelings for Nanase, right?"

Makoto blushes. "I...yes."

Sousuke shrugs, going back to sifting through his clothes. "Then here's the deal - we hang out. We have fun. We fuck, if we want to." He swivels to meet Makoto's eyes dead on, a T-shirt clutched in his fist. "You get over Nanase, but don't go falling in love with me. That's not my game."

"That's fine," Makoto finds himself agreeing. He means it, too. It's time to move on, but he does seriously doubt he'd ever be able to fall in love with somebody like Sousuke. Although he does have strong feelings for him, they aren't exactly romantic. Makoto's happy to keep things this way, remaining friends. It's nice to be embraced, to have a close bond with somebody, to have a little support, without the exhausting pressure and expectation of romance involved. Makoto can almost feel the weight lift from his shoulders when Sousuke's around. "One more question. Is it...okay to kiss you?"

"Like a goodbye kiss?" Sousuke asks suspiciously.

Makoto shrugs sheepishly. "More of a because-I-feel-like-it kiss. Kissing feels nice. Besides, I need to practice."

Relief crosses Sousuke's face. "That's cool. As long as it's not a goodbye kiss."

Makoto responds by stepping forward, gripping Sousuke's arm as he kisses him. They're the perfect height for each other. The kiss isn't romantic, nor is it short and sweet, like in the movies. It's deep, passionate, hungry, a promise. It solidifies what they did last night, what they are to each other, and what they might become. It makes Makoto shiver, and at the same time gives him courage. He can do this. He can learn to take what he wants for himself. To be his own person.

 

 

Nagisa wakes up to knocking at his bedroom door. What time is it? Ugh. Not even 7:30. Gross. "Wake up, you lazy brat," Ayumi yells. "Your weird friend is here!"

"Which weird friend?" he calls back at her, blinking his heavy eyelids. Why is somebody visiting him so early in the morning? He doesn't even have classes until this afternoon. He'd been planning on sleeping in. Could it be Rin? But he should be at swim practice right now. 

"The one who doesn't talk!" 

Nagisa sits upright, trying to untangle himself from his comforter. "Haru-chan? Haru-chan's here?! Send him in!" Haru never, ever came over of his own free will. He usually had to be dragged and prodded to go anywhere with anyone. He must have some kind of terrible emergency, and it makes Nagisa worry. He scrambles out of bed, turns on the light, and tosses on a clean pair of pajamas as quickly as possible before he hears a quiet knock on his bedroom door. "Come in!"

Haru opens the door enough to let himself in, closing it behind him. He stares at Nagisa for a moment before holding out a paper bag. "Breakfast."

Nagisa isn't sure what's wrong with Haru, but it has to be something major. This behaviour isn't normal. "You brought me breakfast?" It certainly smells like breakfast. Nagisa's stomach growls at the scent of bacon.

Haru nods, pushing the bag into Nagisa's hands. He sits on the edge of Nagisa's bed. "Your sister doesn't seem worried about me being in here with you."

"Hm..." Nagisa sits cross-legged beside Haru, pulling a foil-wrapped breakfast sandwich out of the paper bag. It's homemade. "I guess it's because they think you're straight? Sneaky Haru-chan." He takes a bite out of the sandwich, and it's delicious, warm. He hasn't enjoyed eating anything this much in a while.

Haru takes a deep breath, clutching his pants as he looks at Nagisa. "I'm not trying to pretend I'm something I'm not." 

Nagisa wishes Haru didn't have to be so freaking poignant all the time. The blood rushes into his ears, and suddenly he's not so hungry after all. He should make a joke. Say something funny. But he can't think of anything. Not a single, goddamn thing. "You might be gay, Haru-chan, but I'm not. Not anymore." The more he repeats it, the more it has to be true, right? "I like girls." That's not a lie, either. He does like girls. A lot. Enough to envy them.

Surprisingly, Haru makes a fist in the fabric of his jeans. It takes him a very long time to respond. "You can like whoever you want. I don't care. The people who matter don't care." Instead of looking off to the side like he usually does, Haru's staring straight into Nagisa's eyes. Seeing him.

"I know, silly." Nagisa tries his best to look cheerful. The mood is too serious, it's way too intense, it's scaring him. He doesn't know what to do. "Thanks for bringing me breakfast and coming to visit me! You're so nice when you want to be, Haru-chan! I was scared something bad happened for you to come all the way here."

"Something bad did happen," Haru deadpans.

"What?!" And the first place Nagisa's mind jumps is Rei. Something bad happened to Rei. In that moment of fear, that lurch, Nagisa feels like he's cracking in half. "What is it?"

Haru's eyes shine, crazy bright. "Rin's still mad at you for cutting yourself," he says quietly.

Nagisa feels as though he's been punched. That's all it is? Rei's okay? Nothing bad happened to him? Thank god. But being reminded of that day at the hospital doesn't feel good. "I know," he says, flopping listlessly back onto the bed. "He's been acting weird ever since. I told him I'm sorry a thousand times." Moisture prickles dangerously in the corner of Nagisa's eyes. He rolls onto his side, away from Haru, hiding his face. "Haru-chan?"

"Yes?"

"Are you mad at me, too?" His voice catches a little in his throat, his two bites of breakfast threatening to come back up. 

"No," Haru answers immediately. "I understand."

Out of all of Nagisa's friends, he never would have expected Haru to be the one to understand. Rin was his best bet, which is why having him explode like that after seeing the marks made Nagisa feel that much worse. "At the hospital...that thing you said about control...how do you know that?"

"Sometimes feeling pain is better than feeling nothing."

Nagisa twists around to look at Haru, wiping an errant tear out of the corner of his eye. Haru sits straight as a pin, hands on his knees, staring at on the F. T. Island posters on the wall. He's almost right. Nagisa wonders what it feels like to feel nothing. He's curious. "You don't do it too, do you?"

Haru shakes his head. 

"Good," Nagisa sighs, relieved.

"Why? What if I did?"

"I'd feel really bad," Nagisa says, sitting up. "I'd be worried about whatever was making you feel like you had to do that."

"That's how Rin feels. And he's scared that you're going to kill yourself."

Nagisa hugs his knees to his chest, rocking back and forth slightly to distract himself. "I'm not! And I don't..." It's so hard to seriously think about his emotions. So hard. His head feels like it's stuffed with wet cotton balls. "I don't feel nothing, either, like you said. I do it when I feel too much. I get so many thoughts in my head, and I feel too much, and it hurts so bad, Haru-chan, I don't know where to put it. It's way too much, and it's so scary." 

Haru sits patiently, unassuming, absorbing every word, genuinely listening to what Nagisa has to say. 

Nagisa takes a shuddering breath, tears welling up and falling out of his eyes when he blinks. "It's so much bigger than me. So then I have to cut, to let it out, because if I hurt myself I have something real to hang on to, to anchor myself and make myself feel real again." He sniffles and wipes his arm across his eyes; now that he's started talking, he can't stop. 

"It's better if it hurts more, so I usually use the back of one of Ayumi's earrings, or a paperclip. I'm not trying to make myself bleed a lot, I just need it to hurt. 'Cause then I can put a band-aid on it and make it go away, when...when..." He tries his best to keep his crying at bay, but he can't. Snot and tears slip down his face, salty on his lips. "I don't know what else to do."

Haru reaches out tentatively, placing his hand lightly on Nagisa's shoulder. He doesn't have to say anything; the gesture alone is enough for Nagisa to understand the sentiment. He throws himself into Haru's arms, hanging onto him for dear life, burying his face in Haru's neck. Haru stiffens, clearly unsure of what to do with his hands, but he tolerates the hug. And that means more to Nagisa than Haru will ever know. 

"You should eat your breakfast," Haru says into Nagisa's hair after a few minutes, and Nagisa takes the hint, prying himself off and cleaning his wet face with his sleeve. 

"Okay, Haru-chan." He actually feels unimaginably better. He might be able to stomach the rest of his food. He loves that Haru doesn't act strange around him, like he's broken or should be pitied. Like the way Rin has been, lately. Haru is the same old Haru, no matter what, showing his loyal affection in his own small ways. Not making a big deal out of anything. "So what are you up to today?"

"We're going swimming," he announces, as if there's no room for discussion.

"We?" Nagisa asks around his mouthful of bacony goodness. "I don't know if I wanna...people might see my arms."

"Nobody will notice when you're in the pool."

Nagisa smiles, his heart swelling at how hard Haru is trying to make him feel better. "Okay, fine. Ooh! I'm excited to spend time with you! You're always working on the weekends."

"I took the day off."

"I'm so happy you're here," Nagisa says, leaning his head against Haru's shoulder while he steadily munches on his sandwich. "Um, Haru-chan?"

"What?"

Nagisa takes a fortifying breath. "How's Rei doing?"

"Why don't you ask him?"

"I can't," Nagisa answers, staring at his feet. He wiggles his toes. "I feel like...I don't...deserve to talk to him like that anymore." In truth, Rei sends far more text messages than Nagisa replies to. The first two weeks after the hospital incident, Nagisa had gotten a "Good morning, how are you feeling?" text almost every single day. Eventually he got tired of lying, so he stopped answering altogether. 

Haru gives an exasperated sigh. "I thought you were going to be his friend."

"I'm trying," Nagisa says. "I don't want him to leave my life, but it's so hard! Every time I see him I forget to be straight."

Haru rolls his eyes. "You're not straight."

"I have to be, Haru-chan. Or my mom and dad won't love me anymore."

"Whose love would you rather have? Your parents don't care that you're miserable. Rei does." And Nagsia must still be half-asleep, because Haru sounds pretty upset as he says this. Nagisa also knows it's the truth.

"You make it sound like such a simple choice. It's not. They're my family! We were always so close before this happened. And Rei...Rei's just a high school fling." Nagisa repeats the lecture he's heard from his dad countless times over the past few months. "Family is what should matter the most. And being normal."

Haru looks absolutely disgusted. Like someone's dumped a truckload of chum in the pool.

"What?"

Haru shakes his head. "Nothing. Let's go to the pool before it gets busy."

"Okay. You better wait in the living room while I get dressed, though."

Haru blinks once at Nagisa before standing, making his way toward the door, stepping carefully around the piles of clothes and manga magazines. 

"Wait," Nagisa says, scrambling to the end of the bed. "You never told me how Rei is."

Haru turns, hand on the doorknob. "He's pretending to be fine, like you. He told me he joined the track team."

Nagisa clasps his hands over his chest, sinking back on his knees. "Do you think I really hurt him?"

Haru doesn't have to voice his response. His eyes say it for him.

 

 

Closing Nagisa's door behind him, Haru briefly considers staying in the hall. He doesn't exactly want to see Ayumi, who he can hear singing to herself in the living room. He clenches his fists and walks toward the sound anyway. He doesn't want Ayumi spreading any rumours that he and Nagisa are a thing, lest he finds the door closed in his face, too.  
He's determined to be there for his friend, no matter what. Even if the crying and hugging make him uncomfortable; he will be there, and he'll find a way to deal with it. Nagisa has always been one of his closest friends, and Haru can't afford to lose him, too. Not after Makoto cutting ties with the group, and Rei moving away. 

As much as Haru would love to be able to consider himself a loner, he can't. He can't function that way. Without people around him, supporting him, he tends to collapse in on himself, to become a recluse. To cease being an active participant in life. The combination of Makoto leaving and Rin coming back into his life has taught Haru a lot about not taking people for granted. About putting a little effort into relationships sometimes.

He rounds the corner into the living room, seating himself at the opposite end of the couch from Nagisa's sister, who's got headphones on, singing away while she paints her toenails the most ostentatious shade of magenta. More polish gets on the couch than on her actual nails.

"Hey," she says, pushing one speaker off her ear when she sees him. "You're Nanase-kun, right?"

Haru nods, wishing she'd go back to her activity so he can ignore her. 

"I saw you swim- what was it, two years ago, I think. You were really good." She sweeps her eyes appraisingly over Haru's body. He continues saying nothing, but it doesn't seem to deter her. "Do you still swim competitively, 'cause you had a rockin' body back then, you know? Hey, you're nineteen now, right?"

Haru bristles. "Yes." How long did it take Nagisa to put on some freaking clothes and grab a swimsuit? He doesn't know how long he can hold out against Ayumi's obvious attempts at flirting without snapping.

"Cool, when do you turn twenty? 'Cause we should totally go out to the bar and-"

"No."

She ceases the brazen, poorly calculated strokes with the nail polish brush, another drop of magenta falling onto the couch. "Geez, you're fun," she says, narrowing her eyes and nudging her headphones back into place. "I don't get why Nagisa's friends with someone like you."

And that's the last straw for Haru. Yes, he's quiet, yes, he can be insensitive to people's emotional needs at times, he doesn't get all bouncy and excited and touchy-feely about things like Nagisa does, but how DARE Ayumi question his capacity as a friend. As hard as it can be for most people to see, Haru _does_ care about his friends; they're like family to him, he loves them and would do anything for them, even tolerate Nagisa's clingy sob sessions. The fact that his little swim club family is falling apart once again distresses Haru to the point that he feels like a jaguar backed up against a wall. "I don't get how you can treat Nagisa like such shit," he spits.

Ayumi's eyes snap wide open and she rips her headphones off entirely. "Are you fucking joking, kid? How is this any of your business?"

"He's my friend."

"He's my brother," Ayumi snarls, "and he can't go through life as a faggot and a drag queen."

It was Ayumi and her two sisters who used to force Nagisa into girly clothes when he was young. They were the ones who swapped Nagisa's trunks for a girl's swimsuit back in elementary. And they were also the reason Nagisa had been too afraid to wear it to practice, so Haru had switched with him. "He should have the freedom to choose." 

"It's for his own good," she says adamantly, shoving the lid back onto the polish with enough force that Haru's surprised the glass doesn't break. "Do you know how this country looks down on people like him?"

It hits home on so many levels because yes, of course Haru knows. He doesn't care that the world would disapprove of his feelings toward Makoto, but that doesn't mean he's not aware of the malevolent sentiments. The world is not on Rei and Nagisa's side, but especially not Nagisa, the small, effeminate boy with the pink socks and huge, sparkling eyes. Why couldn't the world see that Nagisa should always be smiling? That Rei shouldn't feel trapped by the confines of such a close-minded society? That the two of them together were so much more than all that bullshit? 

"You're the ones looking down on him."

Ayumi has the audacity to look affronted. "No! I love my brother!"

Haru clenches his fists to keep his hands from shaking. He's vibrating with anger at this point. "Then how can you be happy with him so miserable?"

"He's not-"

"Um, guys..." Nagisa says in a small voice from the living room entrance. He's wearing a long-sleeved sweater again, even though it's a warm spring day. His brows are furrowed in confusion, mouth puckered into a serious frown. "Please stop fighting."

Ayumi leaps off the couch to embrace her brother in a hug, tousling his hair. "You're not miserable, are you, bro? Tell Haru you're not." She turns to shoot Haru a challenging glare over the top of Nagisa's head.

"Of course I'm not," Nagisa pushes a plastic smile across his face, hugging his sister back. "I don't even know how to be sad."

Haru feels sick. He stalks forward and seizes Nagisa's upper arm, dragging him toward the door. "We're going swimming," he says firmly.

 

 

Rei stares at his exam paper. 100. A perfect score. Of course; he'd studied the preparation material until he had it completely memorized, so it's not surprise. No surprise at all. Which must be why he doesn't feel anything. Actually, he's gotten perfect scores on all of his tests and assignments lately, and he hasn't felt excited about any of them.

His mother seems happy about his grades, though, so he pulls out his phone and texts her about it. He briefly considers texting Nagisa as well. Only a few months ago, he would have been dithering about it; he'd go running straight to Nagisa to proudly show off his work, and Nagisa would praise him, face glowing, telling him how smart he is. Rei's chest warms a little at the thought.

Nagisa. As long as Nagisa's happy, Rei can manage. He can get by just being friends. That's what they were their first year of acquaintance, anyway, and Rei had enjoyed their time together perfectly well. It didn't have to be romantic. What exactly was he aiming for, trying to be romantic in the first place? Rei doesn't even know how to be romantic. He doesn't have a clue. Besides, someone like him doesn't deserve that kind of love. No, he's happy going back to the way things were.

Except that they don't. They don't go back to the way they were, despite Rei's best efforts at keeping in contact. He attributes it to the fact that they're so far apart. He sighs. Well, nothing's going to get better if he stops trying, so he types a message and sends it. Even if Nagisa seldom answers him anymore, he's not going to give up. It isn't his style.

To Rei's surprise, he receives a reply less than a minute later.

 

Hazuki Nagisa (14:42): good job!!! your the smartest guy i know. :))))

Outbox (14:43): It would be "you're," in this situation. Also, thank you, Nagisa-kun.

Hazuki Nagisa (14:45): lol sory we cant all be as smart as u

Outbox (14:46): You are smart. You just like to pretend you aren't. You could learn it if you tried.

Hazuki Nagisa (14:49): awww im way to busy for that. hey, haru chan said you joined the track team! 

Outbox (14:50): I did. I barely made it, though. I'm so out of shape. I think I only got on thanks to Sera-senpai, and because another member broke his ankle and they were desperate.

Hazuki Nagisa (14:52): sera? ur old track captain?

Outbox (14:53): Yes. It was such a wonderful coincidence! He's been helping me with extra training and getting back into form for pole vaulting. I haven't done it in so long.

 

Rei smiles to himself. Just talking to Nagisa like this, as a friend, makes him feel better. Besides, the track team is one of the only things in Rei's life at the moment that he's actually passionate about. He hadn't realized how much he missed working out until he got back on the track, every morning at six. It gave him a reason to get out of bed and stop with the ridiculous oversleeping habit he'd fallen into. Exercise also released endorphins and adrenaline into his system that made him feel good. More like himself. 

More like the person he'd been before he met Nagisa, which isn't...well, it isn't ideal, it's not Rei's full potential, and he's aware of that now, but it's enough to get him through the days without succumbing to his anxieties. And Sera is one of a very limited group of people that Rei feels comfortable spending time with.

 

Hazuki Nagisa (14:45): so he helps u work out n stuff. huh. sounds fun.

Outbox (14:46): I don't know if I'd call it 'fun,' but it can be pleasant. By the way, how are you feeling? Rin-san told me you're still not completely better. Perhaps you should go back to the doctor? My mother would always be willing to help, I'm sure.

 

When his phone buzzes again, it's not Nagisa.

 

Matsuoka Kou (14:55): Hey, Rei-chan, it's Kou! Wasn't sure if you still had my number or not. So, I have a favour to ask of you.

Outbox (14:56): Of course! What sort of favour is it?

Matsuoka Kou (14: 59): I'm actually thinking about transferring to your school at the end of the semester. I was thinking about coming up with Rin on the weekend to look around and I was wondering if we could spend the night at your place? I promise we won't disturb your studying. And it would be really great to see you. We miss you!

 

They miss him? They actually miss...him? Rei blinks, taking a minute to process that information. Kou has barely spoken to him since graduation, which is fair enough- she'd been busy settling into university. Rin texts him occasionally, but it's usually in regard to his swimming routines, and lately, a few messages from Rei inquiring into Nagisa's health. Haru seldom texts either, but that's nothing new, coming from him. And Nagisa always seems too busy to talk, although Rei frequently logs into Facebook to view his updates and see how he's doing. He's surrounded by people in every picture, either Haru or Rin, or a flock of pretty girls, smiling happily.

Rei had assumed that everyone was carrying on without him. They are all childhood friends, after all; even Kou, and Rei lives so far away from everyone, so how could they be expected to keep up the friendship? It's completely logical for them to forget about him. He's no longer dating Nagisa, so what exactly is anchoring him to the group? He has no desire to become an Olympic swimmer, like Rin. He hasn't known Haruka since grade school. He's not funny and creative like Nagisa. Why in the world would anybody miss him? He's just the one who gave up his place in the relay for Rin, so that the old group could swim together one last time. He's an extraneous piece that doesn't belong. 

How is it at all logical for Kou to say "we miss you?" It's not. And it's also not logical for Rei to mist up when he reads the text, realizing how much he also misses them. He does anyway.

 

Outbox (15:01): Yes, please visit. You can definitely stay here. I can show you around campus, too. Wait until you see the library. And the university gym! Are you coming by train? I can meet you at the station if you tell me what time.

Matsuoka Kou (15:04): Rin's going to borrow mom's car and drive us. I'm so excited now! Would it be okay if we came up on Friday night? He wants to talk to you about something. Maybe we could rent a movie after that or something?

Outbox (15:06): I'm finished class at 3 pm on Friday. I'll send you directions to my apartment. 

 

Rei wonders what Rin could want to talk about that couldn't be said over text. Surely it couldn't be something about swimming. Perhaps something about school work? Although Rin is actually incredibly smart, and had never needed Rei's help before this. Still, he can't think what else it could possibly be.

And it has been a long time since Rei spent time with other people that didn't involve practicing for the track team or working on a class project. In fact, Rei had spent over a week purposefully avoiding talking to any of the students in his group after they were finished with it. 

Kou and Rin are a different story. People he can handle being around for longer than an hour at a time. Rei's so stimulated at the prospect of their visit that this time, he doesn't even notice that Nagisa never texts him back.

 

 

"He says it's okay," Gou tells her brother excitedly. "I can't wait to see the place. I can't wait to see him!"

"Me either," Rin agrees, refolding the university program pamphlet that Gou's been pouring over all morning. "I wonder how he's doing." Probably better than Nagisa. Rei's mom is amazing, not like Nagisa's parents.

"He seems pretty normal from his texts. Normal for Rei-chan. Why, has he said anything to you?"

Rin grimaces. "No. It pisses me off. It's like both of them are pretending nothing even happened."

Gou gives him a patronizing look.

"Oi, I know, I know. Why does everyone have to keep throwing that back in my face?"

"Because you were a giant douche to everyone for like six months and didn't even visit me when you got back from Australia?" 

"Okay," Rin hold up his hands in a gesture of surrender. "I made some mistakes. Which is why we can't let Rei and Nagisa do the same thing."

Gou chews her bottom lip, eyes shining. "I'm just worried about Nagisa getting in trouble."

"Look," Rin says, bringing his fist down on the table top. "Who gives a fuck about what his parents think? Nagisa and Rei are soul mates, dammit!"

"But it's Nagisa's choice."

"Yeah, well he made it wrong. And since when do you feel guilty about meddling in people's lives?"

"I don't! I just don't believe in soul mates. Maybe Rei should be with somebody else. It's not good for him to be alone all the time."

Rin sits up, leaning closer to examine his sister's face. "What are you saying? Please don't tell me you have a crush on him, of all people."

"No," Gou answers levelly. "I'm never going to fall in love. I just think he has nice legs. But I think he needs a big, strong guy who can take care of him. He's totally the reluctant uke type."

"The reluctant uke type? What the fuck is that?"

"Yeah! In yaoi a lot of the time the bottom tries to pretend he's not gay or that he doesn't like it."

Rin scowls. "That sounds like rape, to me. What the hell have you been reading?"

"It's not rape," Gou sighs. "It's because the uke doesn't want to admit that he's not a man. He doesn't want to be seen as a girl."

"And you seriously think Rei's that type?"

Gou crosses her arms, nodding with all the wisdom of an eighteen year old girl. "I know he is. I'm gonna help him find the man of his dreams! You know, someone big and patient and gentle, like Makoto!"

"Are you fucking kidding me? That's...there's no way," Rin splutters, trying not to picture THAT. "Are you trying to say Nagisa isn't good enough for him?" How can he even be related to a person who doesn't believe in soul mates?

"Be realistic! Nagisa's the one who broke up with Rei."

"That doesn't mean he doesn't still love him."

"Maybe not," Gou says, collecting her pamphlets into a pile. "But he gave up his chance. And he's making it pretty clear that he's not into guys anymore."

Rin sighs, running his hands through his hair. God dammit. "I know. That's the huge problem. Fucking Montagues and Capulets."

"It's so weird picturing Nagisa-kun with girls," Gou muses. "He's always seemed like one of us, not somebody who wants to date us. Oooh, I'm gonna find him the perfect girlfriend."

Rin grinds his palm into his forehead. He should never have asked Gou for her advice. She has no more relationship experience than he does, and now she's going to go and fuck everything up. Rei is supposed to be with Nagisa, and Nagisa is supposed to be with Rei. End of story!

He'll just have to do this on his own. And find out how to sneak some of those yaoi mangas off of his sister's bookshelf without her noticing. Having a little background knowledge on the subject can't be a bad idea, can it? Besides, it's his duty as an older brother to make sure Gou isn't reading scary, rapey, hentai shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [rosaveritas.tumblr.com](http://rosaveritas.tumblr.com/) I welcome any and all comments/requests!


	12. Accomplice in Crime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "We brought a few, but I think I know which one Rin really wants to watch."
> 
> "Which one is that?" Rei sets the timer on the oven for fifteen minutes.
> 
> "Titanic."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant to update Can You See Me first, but I was feeling kinda down this weekend, so this happened instead. It didn't help that I decided it was a good idea to listen to Daisuke Hirakawa (Rei's voice actor) singing Kyouhansha on repeat. Note that the title of this chapter is named after Kyouhansha (Accomplice in Crime).

As excited as Rei had initially been to learn of Rin and Kou's visit, it had worn off by Thursday. He makes sure his apartment is clean, the floor swept, dishes done, even going as far as to put a new bar of soap out in the shower, since Kou will likely be using it, and she doesn't need to see all the little hairs stuck all over it. That surely isn't beautiful.

Once he's satisfied that everything is more or less respectable enough for visitors, he eats his rice and steamed veggies quietly, sitting at the table like he's supposed to, instead of in the living room as he knows most students do. He should have some protein to balance it out. He has track practice tomorrow. Rei pauses with his chopsticks hovering over his bowl, glancing at the empty chair across from him. When he stops chewing and listens, he can hear the low hum of the refrigerator and the distant footsteps of the lady who lives in the neighbouring apartment.

Rei used to love the quiet. The silence of the early morning, going out for a run before the rest of the world wakes. Awake at night before bed, reading, nothing but the faint sound of the clock ticking, comfortable and safe in his bed, in his own little world. Silence had been shelter. It meant he could focus; that nobody was trying to converse with him, that nothing could go wrong.

The quiet of Rei's apartment hangs heavy like a thunder cloud, pregnant with misgivings, with anxieties. It's stifling. These days, Rei has to turn on the television in the background while he's studying, just for something to listen to. Because it can no longer be Nagisa's benign, comfortable chatter, the creak of his chair as he swings his legs back and forth, his steady breathing broken by an excited gasp when he gets an idea. _Know what we should do, Rei-chan?_ His smile.

Rei sighs and forces his eyes back to his bowl. He finishes eating and puts his dishes in the sink, heading toward the bedroom. He pauses. Goes back to the sink. He absolutely has to do the dishes, even if his body is screaming at him to go to sleep. He washes everything, folding the tea towel used for drying just so and hanging it on its rack. The apartment is spotless. 

He couldn't care less. And seven-thirty is late enough for him to go to bed. With all of his assignments for the next week already finished, he doesn't have anything else to do. He can always get up early.

 

Rei wakes to his alarm clock screeching. Six AM. He's slept for over ten hours. Again. The worst part is that he feels he could go right back to sleep. His head aches and his limbs feel like blocks of wood. Would the world end if he didn't go to class today? It isn't as if he'd fall behind. He could skip class and sleep until he feels better. Perhaps he's getting sick.

A strange hollowness quivers in Rei's chest. He reaches for his glasses, accidentally knocking them off of the nightstand and into the small trash can beneath it. His hand is shaking. Rei shivers and pulls the covers up over his head. He doesn't feel cold, but he can't stop shaking. He feels so empty, like he's about to collapse in on himself, deflate like a week-old party balloon.

 _Stop it, Ryuugazaki. You need to breathe._ The alarm clock is still blaring; he focuses his attention on it, letting it envelop his mind. His head throbs with each ring of the buzzer. He cannot stay here all day. He has to get up. He will not succumb to this. He will not feel sorry for himself. He won't be the reason his mother worries all the time. He will never be like his father. Ever. He will go to school, if only to keep up the precarious balance his emotions are in. He can't slip. One miscalculation and everything will come crashing down around him.

 _If people think Haruka-senpai is stubborn, it's because they haven't met me,_ Rei tells himself, steadying his breathing. I will not fail. Even if it's only to prove everyone wrong. Rei will be fine. He can handle this on his own. He doesn't need help. Who would he go to for help, anyway? All he'd be is a burden. This isn't like asking for help learning to swim. It's not like Nagisa pulling him out of the treacherous ocean during a storm.

This time, the only one who can keep him from drowning is himself.

 

 

"Good morning, Rei-kun," Sera says, while Rei pulls his track jersey over his head in the locker room. His happy face and relaxed demeanor somewhat remind Rei of Makoto-senpai. While the kindness in his smile isn't enough to lift Rei's spirits, it at least supplies him enough energy to be polite.

"I suppose it is." Alright...that didn't come out as nicely as it was meant to. Rei is a downright terrible liar. Just because he doesn't want to unload on anyone doesn't mean he wants to pretend it's a good morning if it isn't. 

Sera doesn't seem to notice. He seems to think Rei hasn't changed at all, and thinking about it, Rei supposes that's true. He's just like he was before Nagisa forcibly pulled him onto the swim club. There really is no difference. Except that this time, Rei knows what's missing from his life; he knows what the knawing pain is in his stomach. He knows why he wakes up hating everything. Why he wishes the sun would just stay on the other side of the horizon.

And for once in his life, knowing something doesn't bring him comfort. It makes it worse. Because knowing means that he's also aware that it's impossible to fix. The only thing to do is carry on, living out his life as though he's completely normal. Best to bypass pleasantries with other human beings, since they don't mean anything anymore. To proactively keep people away.

"We should start with twenty minutes of stretching, then run some laps," Sera tells him as they walk out onto the field. It's nearly summer, but the early morning chill makes the hairs on Rei's legs prickle. He longs for his warm bed. But he's already here, and as much as he dreads doing it, he knows the exercise will increase his temperature and release pleasant endorphins into his brain, perhaps even ridding him of his headache. "Think you might be up for vaulting today? We don't have much time left to condition you."

"I can do it," Rei says, bending down to touch his toes, his glasses slipping. He reaches a hand up to fix them. "Learning a sport quickly is my specialty. And I already know how to vault."

"Is that so?" Sera laughs, stretching his thigh out in a lunge. "Why don't we race our laps today, then?"

A race...Rei hasn't raced in ages. As exhilarating as they had been in swimming, allowing Rei to stretch his limits physically, the idea of running, on the ground, piques his interest about ten times as strongly. And he hasn't felt legitimately interested in anything in months. He's good at running. He's out of practice and calculates a fairly low percentage of actually being able to keep up with Sera, but he knows he's not slow. He's not a hindrance to the team, like he had been to the swim club. Sera wants him here, and Rei knows it's because he has actual talent in track and field, not because they were desperate. Well, not JUST because they were desperate. "That sounds agreeable, if not entirely fair," he replies.

"You leaving your true calling to go splash in the pool wasn't fair," Sera remarks. "I can't wait for the guys to see you in top form. You're amazing."

Rei turns his head to the side under the ruse of stretching his arm, but it's more hide his face. The compliment gives him a strange surge of pride, yet at the same time he doesn't believe it, making him feel patronized. How can a person manage to feel both superior and inferior at the same time? Either way, or both, it makes for an awfully hard time connecting with his peers. If only there were some numbered system for indicating exactly where someone fell in society. But the compliment does what Rei guesses Sera intended for it to do, stirring his boastful, competitive spirit.

So Rei pushes himself for Sera, doing his best to keep up, running until his muscles tremble and his clothes and hair are soaked with sweat. And then he vaults. He doesn't make it the first few times, even though the bar is set low for him, but on the sixth try, when he finally does clear it, after over two years off the team- well, Rei actually does feel good about himself, if only for a few minutes.

Sera's solitary clapping certainly helps. Rei feels somewhat useful, if nothing else.

 

 

"Turn that way, that way!" Kou says, waving her cellphone in her brother's peripheral.

"What way?"

She indicates the street they need to turn down. "That way!"

"I can't see what way you're pointing! Eyes on the road," Rin scowls. 

"Sorry," she replies. "Right."

Rin flicks on the blinker and manages to squeeze into the next lane in time to make the turn on a yellow. The car behind them honks. "Jesus," Rin curses. "Now where?"

"It's the building on the left," she says, wisely choosing not to comment on Rin's driving. The late turn had been mostly her fault. "Rei said we can use his parking space. Oh, there it is!"

"Where?"

"To the left, right there!" She turns to catch her brother grinning. 

"Just kidding, I saw it," he says. Kou can tell he's pretty excited to see Rei, even if he won't admit it. He pulls into the space with relative ease; he doesn't drive much, and he's a little reckless, but skilled enough that Kou generally doesn't fear for her life sitting in the passenger seat. 

She gets out and stretches her back; over an hour of driving may not be much, but it's certainly more than she's used to. "Don't forget any of the bags. Oh! Did Rei's gift make it?"

"It got kinda crushed, but I think it's okay," Rin answers, rooting around in the trunk for their bags.

"I'll tell him we're-"

"Rin-san! Kou-san!" Rei's voice calls. He walks toward them from the building's entrance. 

"Rei-kun," Kou cries. "It's so good to see you." She wraps her arms around him in a hug without giving it a second thought. She feels Rei's body tense, but he places his hands tentatively on her back, so she doesn't pull away until she's good and ready. She suspects Rei needs it more than she does.

"I could say the same thing," Rei tells her after they've parted, a small smile on his face. "You didn't have any trouble getting here?"

"Rin almost killed us-"

"OI! I did not," Rin exclaims. "Your navigation skills need some improvement."

"I can't imagine Kou being a poor navigator," Rei muses. "She's always so organized."

Rin slings Kou's duffle bag over his shoulder alongside his own. "Well, whatever. Either way, we're here. And it's good to see you, man."

Rei's tight smile grows a little wider. "Do you need me to carry anything?"

"You can carry this," Rin replies, tossing Rei the gift Kou had wrapped this morning. She'd done it as carefully as possible, understanding that Rei would appreciate the aesthetics of the perfectly even wrapping paper and meticulously curled bow. All for naught, of course; now the paper is crumpled at the corner, the ribbon squashed flat. "It's for you."

Rei looks stunned, catching the box out of reflex. "For me? What for?"

Kou shares a glance with her brother. "We never congratulated you properly for getting into university," Kou lies. 

"Thank you." Rei holds the box in front of him reverently, as though it's made of glass. "You made it in, too; oh, I never even thought of getting you a gift. I am so sorry!"

"No, please don't worry about it," Kou tries to diffuse the situation before Rei ends up feeling too guilty about not observing what he perceives to be proper social protocols. 

Rin grunts, shifting the weight of the bags on his shoulder. "Wanna show us up? These aren't getting any lighter." He smiles to show Rei he's only kidding and can carry the bags on his own. Kou feels warmth tingle in her chest at how much of an effort Rin's putting into cheering Rei up. Then again, Rin had been there at the hospital when Rei and Nagisa broke up for good. Kou hadn't had to witness her friends breaking down that way.

"Oh, of course. Right this way." As Rei ushers them through the main doors and leads them up the stairs to the fourth floor, Kou notices something that gives her a bit of a shock. She knows Rei dyes his hair; since the day she met him it had never been anything other than deep indigo. In high school, Rei kept up his appearance religiously, and Kou presumes his hair is somewhat of a sore point. It never lies flat, tiny wisps sticking up in odd places. Kou thinks it looks better that way than it would perfectly combed down, but Rei has a quirky fashion sense. 

But no matter how he chooses to style it, Kou had never expected to see what she's seeing now- roots. So he hasn't touched up his dye job in a few weeks. That's the first glaring indication that something is not right with Rei, besides his pale face and the shadows she'd seen under his eyes back in the parking lot (neither of those are extremely uncharacteristic for Rei to have, especially since the end of the first school term rapidly approaches). She knows better than to mention it to Rei. He doesn't need to feel self-conscious on top of everything else she knows he must be going through.

Rei coughs, unlocking the door to his unit. Locked, even though he'd only stepped outside for five minutes to greet them. "Ah, here it is. I don't think a tour is necessary, considering how small the place is." He stands aside and gestures for them to enter. Rin lets Kou go first, dropping their bags to the right of the doorway. "This the kitchen and living room," Rei says. "And the bedroom and bathroom are down the hall."

The apartment is _very_ small, sparsely decorated. Nothing but basic necessities, save for the immense entertainment center that covers nearly the entire wall across from the couch, filled top to bottom with books. So many books that Kou almost overlooks the small television in the center shelf; thank god he has one. It's a crucial element of the Matsuokas' Super Amazing Cheer Up Rei Weekend plans. 

Other than that, the place is surgically clean, which comes as no surprise, and the walls are blank, almost blindingly so. "These aren't all school books, are they?" Kou asks, leaning down to read some of the titles.

"Mostly. I brought all my high school textbooks as well. I find them useful for reviewing fundamental concepts," Rei begins. Kou spots a book that appears far more ill-used than the others, the spine broken, a few pages sticking out of the top. _Third Year Chemistry_. Oh. _This_ book. Rei still has it. Kou feels a sick jolt in her stomach. 

"Yeah?" Rin asks. "What do you do for fun?"

"I...read, I suppose."

Kou straightens up. "None of these books look like leisure materials..."

Her brother drapes his arm over Rei's shoulders, smiling. "No studying for you this weekend."

"I wasn't planning to," Rei replies, a small smile on his face. "That would be rude of me, as a host."

"You aren't our host, idiot," Rin says.

"You're our friend," Kou adds, understanding what her brother's trying to say. Rei isn't good at reading between the lines of conversation. "Now open your present!"

"Alright." Rei's cheeks turn the faintest shade of pink as he sits on the second-hand couch and sets the present on the table, plucking at the ribbon. Kou's almost shaking with anticipation by the time he finally gets the paper off, since he's careful not to rip it, unfolding each seam at a ridiculously slow pace.

"C'mon, open it already," Rin growls, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed, watching Rei intently. 

Rei pulls open the flap of the old box that once held a blender. "Cookie cutters?!" He takes each colourful plastic mold out one at a time, lining them up on the table. Kou had gone to three different stores, searching for as many butterfly shaped ones as she could find.

"'Cause you like baking," Rin says. "I mean...your cookies taste pretty good."

Kou knows for a fact that Rin hates sweets of all kinds, even Rei's special health food variety, and that his lie means he's really trying to cheer Rei up. "I thought it would be fun to make some tonight!"

"Thank you." Rei's eyes shine in the light streaming through the balcony door. "Thank you so much. We can make the most beautiful cookies in the world with these."

"Tch," Rin scoffs. 

 

 

"Don't burn the place down," Rin calls from the living room.

"That's absurd," Rei states calmly, wiping his floured hands on his apron. "Baking isn't particularly difficult. The oven isn't going to spontaneously combust."

Kou's happy to hear him talking more. "You could come in here and keep an eye on us if you're not sure," she teases. To her surprise, Rin appears in the doorway a few moments later.

"Got anything for me to do?"

"You can help us cut out the shapes," Kou tells her brother, pressing down on a ball of dough with a rolling pin. Not a painting on the wall, yet Rei had had a rolling pin in one of his cupboards. A dedicated baker indeed. "But wash your hands first."

Rin shoves his sleeves up and washes his hands as instructed. "Now what?"

Kou rolls her eyes. "Are you serious?"

"You simply press the cutter into the flattened dough like this," Rei explains, handing Rin a cookie cutter shaped like a swallow-tail. 

"Right. I knew that. Move over." Rin pushes Kou to the side with his hip. There really isn't enough room for all three of them in the tiny kitchen, but it's certainly more fun now that Rin's decided to quit pretending he doesn't want to help.

"Hey!" Kou pushes him back. Rin bumps into Rei from the force, causing him to drop one of the butterfly-shaped pats of dough he'd been transferring onto a tray. 

"Whoops," Rin says. "Now it looks more like a horse than a butterfly."

"I'm sure it will still taste fine," Rei answers, arranging the dough next to the other perfectly formed cookies. He's come a long way in the past few years. "You'll have to eat this one."

"Horses are bigger than butterflies, anyway," Rin replies. "So I'll only need one."

"Was that supposed to be a joke?" Kou giggles. "That was majorly lame, Rin."

Rei smiles. "It was better than Nagisa's refriger-rei-tor pun." Then he bites his lip as the content of his own sentence sets in, staring at the neat rows of cookies on the baking sheet under his hands, prodding at the misshapen horse with his index finger. "Maybe we _should_ fix this one," he says quickly. 

"Rei..."

Rei tenses, as does the atmosphere. "I...of course I assumed you would want to discuss...that...eventually," Rei says in a measured voice, fixing his glasses, leaving a smudge of flour on the edge of the frames. "But I would appreciate it if it wasn't this evening. I require a little more time to...to prepare."

"Yeah. Take your time," Rin says. He's standing close enough to Rei that their shoulders touch, but he also focuses exclusively on the task laid out on the counter. Kou sighs. Boys and their stoicism. Her heart hurts for Rei. He must be so lonely here on his own, doing nothing but studying all day. She wants to kick herself for not visiting him earlier, for not calling more often. For not being there for him. 

Everyone had gotten so caught up in Nagisa's struggle with his family that Rei, as much as Kou hates to admit it, had taken somewhat of a back seat. Just because Nagisa's problems are more visceral and literally closer to home, doesn't mean that Rei isn't in need as well. "I'm sorry," Kou whispers, hugging Rei from the side. She rests her cheek against his arm.

"Don't be," Rei assures her, voice shaky. "You didn't do anything wrong."

"I'm going to the bathroom," Rin says loudly. He stomps off with his face turned away from them.

"He's probably crying," Kou whispers.

Rei furrows his brow. "Crying? Why?"

Kou pats Rei's arm. "It's just what he does. And it's okay, you know. To cry."

"I know," Rei says. "I've never taken issue with the way Rin-san expresses his emotions." 

Kou should have known such a subtle hint would never work. "Anyway," she says, shaking her head. "I think I heard the oven beep. Let's put these in and then go set up a movie."

"I don't have a DVD player," Rei laments, donning his polka-dotted oven mitts.

Kou thinks frantically, opening the oven door for him so he can slide the cookies in. "You have a laptop, right?"

"Yes, I do, but- oh. Of course, it plays DVDs. I assume you brought some? I left all of mine at home when I moved in." 

What kind of university student doesn't watch DVDs? What a stupid question. Rei isn't like every other university student. He's special. "We brought a few, but I think I know which one Rin really wants to watch."

"Which one is that?" Rei sets the timer on the oven for fifteen minutes.

"Titanic."

 

 

"This is riddled with inaccuracies," Rei observes. "First of all, the captain didn't-"

"That's what you're paying attention to?" Rin sobs through a handful of tissue. "Jack is dying!"

Rei takes on a soothing tone. "You know he wasn't real, right?"

"Maybe not him specifically, but people like him."

Kou sniffles too, reaching for another Kleenex. "They could both fit on the door! I don't see why Jack has to die."

"Actually, they couldn't without sinking it," Rei remarks. "The doors on the Titanic were made of oak. Weight is volume times density times the pull of gravity, so if the door weighs approximately seven hundred and seventy kilograms per meters cubed, then-"

Rin throws a cushion at Rei's head. "Seriously, shut up!"

Rei catches the pillow deftly, settling back in his seat with a satisfied smile on his face. It's the largest smile he's worn all night. Kou takes another cookie from the plate in the center of the coffee table, leaning against her brother.

 

 

"I hope you'll be comfortable out here," Rei says to Kou, who's sitting on the couch in her night shirt and shorts, a blanket and pillow laid out next to her to make a bed. "I only have one futon."

"I'll be just fine," Kou smiles. "It's you who might have trouble sleeping. Sometimes Rin snores. Especially after he's been crying and his nose is all stuffed up."

"I can handle that." Rei has had more than enough experience from sharing a bed with Nagisa, who not only snores, but drools and kicks and talks in his sleep. At least Rin will be sleeping on the futon on the floor, not with his face pressed into Rei's neck, like Nagisa always had. "I have ear plugs." He waves goodnight to her and makes his way back to his room. 

Rin's sitting on his makeshift bed with his legs out in front of him, back leaning against Rei's nightstand, the light from his phone screen lighting up his face, hair falling in his eyes. He looks up when Rei enters. He steps delicately over Rin's legs, hopping into bed and slipping under the covers. "Going to sleep already?" Rin asks. "It's only eleven."

"I'm usually asleep by now," Rei tells him. His eyes feel so heavy he can barely keep them open. "I haven't stayed up this late in a long time."

"Yeah. I guess you gotta get up pretty early for track."

Rei turns on his side so he's facing Rin, who leans his arm on the edge of the mattress. "I get up at six."

"I have to be _at_ the pool by six," Rin says. "It gets tiring. Sometimes I just want to sleep in."

"You can sleep in tomorrow. I won't wake you up."

Rin shrugs, setting his phone down on the surface behind him. "I'll get up when you get up." He lays down, his head dropping out of Rei's field of vision. Rei closes his eyes and finds himself quickly dropping off to sleep.

"Rei?"

"Yes?"

"Do you have an extra pillow? This one's too flat."

"Sure," Rei yawns, pushing one of his own off the edge of the bed. "Do you want me to get you a clean pillowcase?" 

He can hear Rin rustling around, trying to get comfortable. "Nah, this is fine."

"If you're sure. Rin-san?"

"Yeah?"

Rei swallows, lacing his hands together over his stomach, staring at the ceiling. He misses the glow-in-the-dark stars Nagisa had had stuck to his. "Are you planning to come with us tomorrow to look at the campus? Because if you are, I'll pack you a bento, too."

Suddenly Rin's face bobs in his view once more, expression serious. "You're not making anything. We're taking you out."

Taking him out? Rei can't even remember the last time he ate out. "Ah, but I'm the host, I don't want to cause you any tr-"

"Don't even fucking finish that sentence," Rin snaps. "You aren't our host. This isn't a hotel. Do you think we're just using you for a place to stay or something?"

Rei takes a deep breath. He feels as though he's said something rude, but he doesn't know what it is. Though that's not unusual for him. At all. "I...well, you do need a place to stay, don't you? And I'm the logical choice. I'm close, and it's free."

"Dammit, Rei!" Rin's eyebrows knit together and he scowls, but Rei still doesn't understand what he's saying wrong. "We didn't come here for that, we came here to see you."

"But doesn't Kou want to transfer?"

"She's thinking about it. She chose this school because you're here."

Rei flushes. He's glad it's dark. "That's...illogical. It's not advisable to make an important decision based on something so frivolous."

"It isn't frivolous," Rin barks. "Not to us. Is that how you think of our friendship? Frivolous? Is that why you don't talk to us as much anymore? Is that why you won't tell us how you're really feeling about Nagisa?" He's breathing hard by the time he finishes.

"Rin-san..." Rei tries to stop the flood of emotion that overcomes him, but he's just too weak. "That's not how I feel at all! I didn't think you wanted me to talk about things like that."

"What? Didn't you say you knew we were gonna ask you? You said you just needed time to prepare."

Rei takes a moment to collect his thoughts. It's difficult to explain how he feels. "I need time so that I don't get too upset. I know nobody wants to hear me complain about it."

Rin looks stunned. "Why the fuck would you think that? You spent half the movie complaining!"

But this is different from something like a movie. A movie doesn't involve Rei's psychological troubles. He's always such a burden, no matter how hard he tries. "Because you were Nagisa's friend first, and I'm strange; I don't fit in with you," Rei blurts in a bout of passion. "Don't think I don't realize how weird I am, how people look at me. If I'm not dating Nagisa, why would you want to keep me around? It doesn't make any sense. The only reason Haruka-senpai and Makoto-senpai were nice to me is because they needed a fourth member for the club."

"Y'know, I've never wanted to hit you this badly before." Rin's voice has a dangerous, gravelly quality. Full of emotion. "You know none of that shit is true. Do you have any idea how important you are, Rei?"

Rei presses a fistful of blanket against his eyes, trying desperately not to cry. "I'm not, though. I know I'm not."

The comforter is wretched off of him, Rin's turbulent face hovering inches from Rei's own. He can't look away. He can't escape from this. "None of it would have been possible without you," Rin says softly. "You gave up your place in the relay for me. How can you not know how much that meant? Do you understand-" Rin's voice cracks and Rei hears him swallow. "How much we all care about you?"

Rei feels moisture on his cheeks, realizing he's crying. "Rin-san."

"Stop calling me that," he sniffles, sitting back on his knees and swiping an arm angrily over his eyes. "Rin is fine. God, I'm acting like a baby today."

Rei wipes his own eyes using a tissue from his nightstand. "I'm crying as well, if that helps."

"Yeah? Well I'm not crying about this, don't flatter yourself," Rin says in a scathing voice, the effect of which is quite diminished by his hitching breath. "I'm still upset about Titanic." Even Rei, with his limited understanding of sarcasm, can tell that isn't the truth. Whatever Rin has to do to keep his pride intact.

"Jack didn't exist," Rei reminds him, shifting into a more comfortable position and smoothing down his pajama top so the buttons don't poke into his stomach. "If you like, I can recant several accounts of passengers who actually did die."

"Do _you_ wanna die?" comes the muffled reply.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I'm having way too much fun with this sleepover, so the next chapter will be about day two. 
> 
> Also Nagisa, Haru, Ai *gasp* and some actual swimming *even louder gasp*
> 
>  
> 
> [rosaveritas.tumblr.com](http://rosaveritas.tumblr.com/)


	13. More Than You and Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I honestly don't fucking know what I'm interested in anymore. I'll let you know when I figure it out."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *crawls out of the trash can* I'M ALIIIIIIIVE!
> 
> Ugh so remember all that stuff I promised last chapter? Yeah, I lied. Have some Matsuoka sibs instead. As usual, this thing went in a weird direction... *sweat*

Long after Rei's breathing slows into a steady, deep rhythm and the sounds of the traffic passing by outside have dissipated, Rin's still awake. He's turned down the brightness on his phone, checking Rei's sleeping visage every few minutes to make sure the glow isn't waking him up. But Rei sleeps peacefully on his side, facing Rin, tousled hair fanning across his face. In the darkness, his hair looks inky, black; asleep, Rei resembles somebody else...

Rin snaps his eyes back to his screen. Now is really not the fucking time to be thinking about boys. Especially his friends. Haru is bad enough, but not Rei. Yet...a tightness settles in his ribcage as he thinks of Rei's crying face, tears rolling down his cheeks despite the effort of trying to hold it in.

_Don't think I don't realize how weird I am, how people look at me. If I'm not dating Nagisa, why would you want to keep me around?_

Rin scrolls numbly through his Facebook newsfeed, not registering what he's seeing, Rei's words resounding in his head. And it hits him what a fucking terrible group of friends they've all been. Yes, they all care deeply about Rei, but had any of them taken the time to show him how they felt? By the time Rin met Rei, he was already "Nagisa's friend," and then later "Nagisa's boyfriend." Rei was prim, proper, collected- well, most of the time. Unless he was making one of his dorky speeches. But Rei never seemed _sad_. Hell, Rin had only seen Rei genuinely upset a handful of times; he could get loud, passionate, but he usually seemed happy.

It suddenly hits Rin, with the force of a spin kick to the gut, that Rei's problems aren't just Nagisa-deep. Rei, the loveable chemistry and physics nerd with all his theories and calculations and his odd mannerisms and his goddamn fucking barley tea, his blue hair and those legs that went on for miles, felt alienated from the rest of them. Like Rin had for so long when he first came back from Australia. Where Rin let his emotions cloud everything he did, Rei fought his down, because he didn't want to be a fucking burden. And Rei was the reason Rin had eventually found his way back into the group, into friendship, onto the team. By pushing Rei out of the way. Rei, who stood aside for him without complaint because he felt Rin deserved the place more than he.

Rin fists his hand in his blanket, filled with overwhelming anger at himself. At all of them. Nagisa had been the only one to show Rei proper appreciation, and they'd all thought that it was enough. Rin wishes there was something nearby that he could punch. _Fuck._

 _Dammit, Rei. Tomorrow, I'm gonna show you a sight you'll never forget,_ Rin thinks. Something catches in the back of his mind, something from a long time ago. Rei smiling. Nagisa smiling. Rin cringes. It hurts.

He opens his contact list without thinking and selects Haru's number, barely thinking, and types a furious message. _'You better get your fucking ass up here when you can. Rei needs you.'_ He closes the messaging app and opens Facebook again, though he still hardly registers what he's seeing, mind a whirlpool of thought. He doesn't expect Haru to answer tonight, if he answers at all. He generally doesn't.

His thumb stops, hovering over his phone screen. Scrolls back up. A picture of Makoto, uploaded last weekend. And suddenly, Rin's not thinking about Rei anymore. The figure in the foreground, taking the photo, is a guy with shaggy pink hair, one violet eye closed in a wink, fingers held in a peace sign. Behind him sits Makoto, a slightly embarrassed-yet-pleased smile on his face. Next to Makoto is a guy of roughly the same build, a little bigger even, with dark hair and sea blue eyes, a disinterested frown on his face. But he looks directly at the camera, his stare so naked and open it makes Rin's breath catch, an unbidden surge of heat travelling down into his sweats.

So this is what Makoto's been up to. God. Rin tries to continue through his newsfeed, but gets drawn back, spending more time staring at the stranger. The caption on the photo says "Gettin psyched 4 Friday! -with Tachibana Makoto and Yamazaki Sousuke." Rin deduces that the haughty, confident-looking dude must be Yamazaki. Damn, Makoto's lucky. That is, assuming he's _getting_ lucky with that guy.

Yamazaki does not look like he's getting psyched for Friday. Which is tonight, Rin realizes. He wonders what they're doing tonight that warrants getting 'psyched.'

He considers writing a comment, asking, maybe. A fresh wave of anger rolls through him. Fuck Makoto. He's not here. He hasn't been for over a year. Rin has no desire to talk to him if he so clearly doesn't want to be in their lives anymore. The word 'Australia' floats around in his brain, but he shoves it away. Just fucking great. Now he's mad, confused, and horny. This time not from one of his friends, either. This time it was a random picture of some guy that got him aroused. He tosses his phone down with more force than necessary, cringing as it bounces, clacking loudly on the hardwood. He looks back at Rei apprehensively.

Rei mumbles something incoherently and nestles deeper into his pillow, but his eyes stay shut. He's a heavier sleeper than Rin remembers. _Fucking cute._ Then: _Urgh!_ Rin needs to get out of the room, go pace or something. He'd love to go for a jog right now, actually. But it's..what, two in the morning, and he doesn't know this city so well. Not that that would normally deter him, but the last thing his sister and friend need is for him to go missing this weekend. Or, he could...

He kicks off his blanket and creeps out of the room, hoping the door creaking open won't wake Rei up. He heads straight for the bathroom, locking the door behind him and splashing cool water on his face. Waaay too many thoughts going on tonight. He stares at himself in the mirror for a minute, then gathers his loose hair behind his head and uses the elastic on his wrist to tie it up. He can think better with it up. He fans his face with one hand, the cold water doing almost nothing to cool off his rising body temperature. His head is stuffed full of Rei, of Makoto, strange guys with eyes that seem to see into his soul through a cellphone screen, of pain and loss and anger and fear and confusion and fucking _heat._

Rin pulls his tank top up, stuffing it in his mouth, and tugs his sweats down over his hips. He's only got the beginnings of a hard-on, but stroking himself hard gives him something to focus on. His hand is dry and it's rough on his skin. He should look for lotion or something- there's a 99% chance Rei has some, for keeping his hands moisturized if nothing else, but Rin's kind of enjoying the rough feeling. He doesn't have to think when he's doing this. For the first time, Rin lets his imagination explore things he's always kept shut up tight before. Haru with that "fuck you" look in his eye, long eyelashes kissing his cheeks as he looks away. The other weekend when Nagisa had jumped on him, body heat and the smell of him hitting Rin right in the groin. Rei...Rei lying asleep in the next room, where Rin could go if he wanted, lean over him on the bed, kiss his lips, draw his tongue into his mouth, hear his lusty gasp...

Rin bites his own lip hard enough to hurt, swearing through the fabric in his mouth. He continues to pump his fist, working the foreskin back, touching all the most sensitive parts of himself and wondering what it would be like to kiss that Yamazaki guy, to have strong arms around him, pinning him down, another man's tongue sweeping through his mouth. What it would be like to touch another dude's dick, or have the weight of it heavy on his tongue. He shoves his knuckle in his mouth alongside the wad of shirt, twisting his hand over the tip of his cock and shivering at the sensation.

He rubs himself raw, hard and fast, allowing himself to think about flat, hard chests, broad shoulders, rough skin, narrow hips, cocks flushed and ready, pressing into his thigh...he digs his free hand into his hip as he comes, groaning quietly. He catches the spurts of hot liquid in his palm, keeping any from dripping on the floor, and only once his dick starts to soften does he let the shirt out of his mouth. It has a small tear in it from his teeth.

Rin looks into the mirror again as he washes his hands off, noticing how flushed his face is. It doesn't look bad on him, either. And he feels...strangely satisfied. Probably just the endorphins flowing through his body, the exertion making his heart race. But something about jacking off to images of guys just feels _right._ He feels like something's finally clicked into place, and it's soothing. Amidst all the other hectic stuff going on, there's this small thing. He makes a mental note to search for more suitable material to jerk off to in the future- no good can come of thinking about his friends. Definitely not Rei. But if _strangers_ are doing it for him now, that's a step forward. A fucking _leap._ A huge relief.

He cleans himself up with toilet paper and heads out of the bathroom, deciding to avoid Rei's room and the person sleeping there who had no idea he'd just been defiled in Rin's thoughts. As if Rei was so innocent, anyway. He had been with Nagisa. Those two together were about as chaste as sailors on leave, and Rin has a sneaking suspicion that a surprising amount of it was instigated by Rei himself. Still, it's okay to have your boyfriend do things to you. Less okay for a person who's just supposed to be a friend.

Rin shakes his head and grumbles to himself on his way to the kitchen for a glass of water, quieting when he hears his sister's soft voice. He peeks his head into the living room to find Kou sitting on the couch in her pajamas, hugging a pillow to her chest, face lit up by the ethereal glow of Rei's laptop, which sits on the coffee table in front of her. She's totally engrossed in whatever it is she's watching. "No, no," she says suddenly. "The other way."

"Ohhh, this way, or...this...way..." a voice replies, grainy through the speakers. A voice Rin feels he should know, but can't quite place it. _Who the fuck is Skyping Gou at two in the morning?!_

"The way you had it the first- are you even looking at the instructions?" She waves a hand, the other still clutching the pillow.

Laughter. "Nooo...I didn't want to block the chat window with another tab. You're too cute!" _Oh god..._

"Momo-kun. Pay attention." Kou sounds strictly business, as usual when she's dealing with either of the Mikoshiba brothers. But why at this late hour?! "Put the left side over top and pull it _under._ "

"I tried that before but it didn't- ohhhh, like this! I get it, I get it! Look!" Just as excitable and loud as Rin remembers.

Kou sighs, but smile plays over her lips. "Finally. It looks good."

"It was way too tight before, really squeezing me-"

"What the hell are you guys doing?" Rin steps into the living room, making Kou jump. "It's the middle of the goddamn night."

"We were just-"

"MATSUOKA-SENPAI! How are you? How is school and swimming and Nitori-senpai? Are you-"

"Oh my god, how do you have this much energy this late?" Rin shoves his sister over so he can sit down, practically on top of her. She yells and tries to push him off, pinching his arm hard. "What are you talking to my brat sister f- ow!"

"Get off, you jerk," Kou laughs, wedging her feet under him and kicking, _hard,_ until he almost falls off the edge of the couch. He balances on the armrest, slipping his arm protectively around his sister's shoulders. It's instinct. "I was teaching him how to tie a bowtie properly," she explains.

"Yeah, look! Doesn't it look cool? Don't I look fancy? I look pretty fancy, I think," Momo chatters, sporting a dark green bowtie over his stained t-shirt that is clearly only functioning as a pair of pajamas these days. Momo looks the same as usual, if a bit more ragged. It's late, though. They probably all have bags under their eyes.

"Why couldn't your brother show you?"

Momo scratches the back of his head, smiling brightly. "He's not home yet. And dad's asleep, I didn't wanna wake him up. So I just asked Kou-san."

"Yeah, I was already online," Kou adds. And then, defensively: "Rei said I could use his laptop tonight."

"I wasn't judging," Rin lies. "Anyway, you should go to bed now. Both of you."

Kou gives his hand a gentle squeeze. "Rin..."

"Yeah, I should actually go. Lots of stuff to get ready for tomorrow! It's not fair for mom to have to do all of it, and I'm not even tired right now, so bye, Matsuoka-senpai. Goodnight, Kou-san."

"Goodnight," Kou sighs, and it sounds...odd. Momo waves at them enthusiastically, leaning in closer to the screen to turn it off. The screen goes blank.

Rin turns on his sister the moment Momo's gone, eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Are you guys secretly dating or something? Please, for the love of god, tell me I'm wrong."

"Um, excuse me," Kou quips right back, eyes blazing. "I can date whoever I want without asking for your approval. But for your information, brother dearest, we're not. I just thought he might need someone to talk to when I saw he was online so late."

"Why do you even have him as a contact, anyway?"

"He asks me about stuff for the swim team sometimes." Right. Momo's the vice captain now.

"I don't get why he has to bug you all the damn time. He has Seijuro for that."

"Seijuro hasn't been around a lot lately," Kou replies. "Apparently he comes home really late most nights. Momo says he's pretty sure he has a girlfriend or something that he's not telling him about. He's kinda sad about it." If that's true, there's one less Mikoshiba brother for Rin to worry about.

Rin shrugs. "He didn't seem sad to me. What was the bowtie for, anyway?"

"It's Setsuna's birthday tomorrow."

Oh _shit._ "Fuck..." The Mikoshibas' younger sister. She'd died last year in a car accident with one of her friends.

Kou twists a piece of hair around her finger. "Yeah. I know you think Momo's annoying, and he seriously _can be_ , but I'm pretty sure he could use his brother at home tonight."

"He's not _that_ annoying. Maybe Seijuro feels better being around his girlfriend right now." Kinda romantic, actually. Rin spent a lot of time wishing he had someone to go to when he was sad like that. At least he's got friends now.

"He should be home with his damn family."

Rin stiffens. "One, don't swear-" that gets an incredulous look from Kou, who opens her mouth to protest- "and two," he continues, talking over her, "he's a grown man, he should be able to do whatever he wants."

"Are you saying you wouldn't miss me if I got a date and started spending all my time with them?"

Rin crosses his arms and looks a way. "Nope. Date whoever you want."

Kou gasps in mock indignation. "Yeah right. You spend half your life trying to keep the Mikoshibas away from me. And it's not like I need your help! They're my friends. They're _your_ friends, Rin."

"I don't think any of us are gonna be winning Friend of the Year, " Rin says quietly. "Rei doesn't think he's important. He thinks now that he's not with Nagisa, we're not gonna wanna be his friends anymore."

Kou places a hand on Rin's knee. "We have this weekend to change that. And...I already decided, I'm transferring here. I can see him every day."

"I knew you were gonna. I wonder if he'll like your other idea."

"It might take him a while to warm up to it, but I'm pretty much willing to do anything to convince him. I'll go Nagisa on his ass."

"Oh my god, Kou, that's gross."

Kou flushes. "That is _not_ what I meant! I meant when Nagisa got him to join the swim club."

"I know, I know," Rin laughs. "But you fucking walked right into that one."

She rolls her eyes. "If you're gonna be out here bugging me, you could at least be useful." She turns her head and flips her long ponytail in his face. He hasn't braided it for her in years.

"Uh, fine. If I can remember how to do this." He pulls out the elastic in her hair and brushes his fingers through it, getting out the major tangles before setting to work.

"I'll convince him. I mean, it's logical for us to be roommates, right? It saves money. And I'm sure mom would be fine with it."

Rin crosses a section of hair over the piece in the middle, trying not to get the three strands tangled up. "I dunno about that. He's still a guy."

"But he doesn't even like girls."

"Maybe he likes guys _and_ girls. That's possible."

"Um, have you _met_ Rei?" She moves her head to look at him, messing up the half of the braid he'd already done.

"Oi! Sit still, for fuck's sake. And yeah, I've met Rei. I was just...saying stuff, I guess."

"Sorry."

He starts over, taking his time smoothing out each strand and braiding them together. The silence stretches on. He's thankful Kou can't see his face. "Uh. Kou? Can I tell you something?" He takes a deep breath. "I don't know who else to say it to..."

Kou seems to tense up. "You can tell me absolutely anything. I'll still love you."

What the hell kind of thing was that to say? "Shut up, I'm being serious here."

"So am I!" A frustrated sigh. "Go ahead and say it."

He keeps tight hold of her hair so she can't turn her head. He can get through this as long as she can't see him. "I think I swing both ways. I mean...I know I do." He swallows. "So...yeah."

Slowly, Kou nods, and Rin and lets go of his grip on her hair. The braid slides over his palm like silk. She turns and gives him a hug. "Thank you for telling me," she murmurs. When she pulls away, her eyes are narrowed. "Wait, is this why you're always concerned with the Mikoshibas? Are _you_ secretly dating Momo?"

"If I was I'd be on my way over there right now. Trust me. I wouldn't let him be alone."

"You don't have to be dating someone to be able to comfort them."

Rin grins, feeling lightheaded now that Kou knows. And that she hadn't made a big deal about already knowing, because he's fairly sure she suspected something. He almost hoped she'd ask questions, because he wanted to talk about a few things and there's nobody he trusts more than his sister for that, but it's nearing three now, and they're supposed to be getting up in a few hours. "Wise woman, you are. Now go to bed." He stands and stretches, ready to head back down the hall to Rei's room.

"Hey, I don't have to keep tabs on you two now, do I?"

Rin frowns, trying to mimic her. "I don't know, sister. Have _you_ met Rei? Pretty sure he's not interested."

Kou swings her legs onto the couch, pulling the blanket up to her chin and moving the laptop onto her knees. She glances at him. "Rin...are you interested in him?"

His mouth goes dry. "I honestly don't fucking know what I'm interested in anymore. I'll let you know when I figure it out."

She gives him an encouraging smile. "You'll figure it out some day. Good night."

"Yeah, yeah," he says, heading out of the room. "Don't stay up too long talking to Momo."

"I'm just making sure he's okay, that's all!"

"Mhm."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear to god I am going somewhere with all of this. And there will be swimming. Eventually. 
> 
> As always, feel free to chat at [rosaveritas.tumblr.com](rosaveritas.tumblr.com)


	14. Heart Surgery Isn't That Bad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nagisa closes his eyes. He wants this to be over. He wants...what the fuck _does_ he want? One thing comes to mind. One blue-haired thing with red glasses that he can't fucking have.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to take some time to get sappy here and thank everyone for leaving comments on the last chapter. I know I made you all wait so long for an update, and I was honestly wondering if anyone was still reading this thing or if you'd all given up on me. I've put up chapters before where I've gotten absolutely no comments at all, and that's what I was expecting from Ch. 13. 
> 
> What I got instead was a buttload of fantastic, supportive comments that almost made me cry. I've been going through a bunch of stuff the past couple months and this story especially has been difficult for me to write, since it comes from such a personal, emotional place. So basically, just...thank you all for sticking with me and being so freaking great. Your comments really mean the world to me. Anyway, I'll shut up now. :)
> 
> Special thanks to Xyliandra for bouncing ideas around with me for this chapter.

The room is empty when Rei wakes up the next morning, Rin's blanket and pillow neatly folded and stacked at the top of the futon. Strong sunlight fills the room; it's late morning. He slept in. How in the world had he slept past his alarm? He should have been up hours ago getting ready to show Kou around the university campus. He jumps out of bed, nearly tripping over his own feet, and pulls his pajama top off over his head without unbuttoning it. _Dang it! Glasses first._ He slips them on and blinks his eyes into focus, hurriedly deciding what to wear as he rifles through his closet, tossing grey slacks and a navy blue sweater onto his bed. He doesn't have time for anything more put together than that.

As he's pulling a clean pair of underwear on, the door opens. Rei freezes and turns toward the door, horrified that it might be Kou. Rin's standing in the half open doorway, staring at him with a completely blank expression. "Rin-san, please close the door. It would be indecent if your sister saw me."

Rin slips into the room, closing the door behind him. He rolls onto Rei's bed, which in its unmade state almost causes Rei to cringe. Rin doesn't seem deterred, linking his hands behind his head. "She's seen you in a speedo, remember?"

"But these are my underpants," Rei flushes, sliding the waistband over his hips. "I don't want her to see these." For some reason, Rin's still staring at his bottom, and Rei self-consciously covers it with his palms.

"...Are those butterflies?"

Rei knits his brow, confused. "What?"

"On your fucking undies. Those are butterflies."

"Oh." He looks down at himself, using a hand to keep his glasses from slipping down his nose. "Yes. _Danaus plexippus_. Monarch butterflies. Sometimes they're called Wandering butterflies, because they migrate further than any other kind."

"They just look like random orange butterflies to me."

"Yes, well, I can tell. They don't look anything like the _vanessa annabellas_ or the _actius luna_ moths that-"

"Are you telling me you have more than one pair?"

Rei blushes, reaching for his pants so he can hide the orange butterfly print as quickly as possible. He has never been a fan of having his underwear displayed to the public. Ever since that incident in grade school. "I...does it matter?"

Rin's off the bed like a shot, opening the top drawer of Rei's dresser as Rei struggles to get his pants over his butt. He has the signature demonic smirk on his face that he gets when he's had a very bad idea. He pulls out pair after pair of Rei's carefully organized underwear collection. "Do you have butterflies on everything? Jesus Christ, where do you even find this shit?"

"Rin-chan-san, stop it! You're messing them up!"

"I'm serious. Is there like a Butterflies R Us around here or something?" He abruptly falls silent.

Rei finally manages to hobble over, pants unbuttoned and in immediate danger of falling off. "I purchase them online, if you must know, so don't..." He loses track of his sentence when he sees what's in Rin's hand. This pair is pink, a penguin on each of the butt cheeks, meeting in the middle for a kiss with a little heart above them. "They say 'birdbrained for you' on the front," Rei whispers, suddenly feeling the beginnings of a headache starting.

Rin carefully folds the underwear back up and places it at the very back of the drawer before shutting it. He doesn't respond, nor does he look at Rei. Rei pinches the bridge of his nose. Upsetting his friend is not the way he meant to start the day.

"...know you're up, I can hear you guys talking!" Kou's voice grows louder as she comes down the hall. Rei panics, lunging for his sweater. "Breakfast is getting cold, would you-" She bursts through the door just as Rei's pants slip down around his ankles. "What the hell are you two doing?!"

Rei wishes he could disappear. Fly far, far away like the beautiful _danaus plexippus_....instead, he releases a shrill keening sound.

"Nothing," Rin says, pushing his sister gently out the door and shutting it. He returns to Rei in a moment, putting his hands on Rei's shoulders and staring him right in the eyes. "Rei, breathe."

He nods and takes several stuttering breaths. "I'm...I'm alright. I don't know why that happened. I'm sorry." His hands shake as reaches for his pants and finally gets them on properly, causing him to miss the button several times.

"'S fine," Rin says, handing Rei his forgotten sweater. "You calm now?"

"Yes." He tugs the sweater over his head, accidentally knocking his glasses off. By the time he's got it on and smoothed down over his stomach, Rin's holding his glasses, looking at them curiously.

"Can I try these?" He slips them on without waiting for a reply, but at least he'd had the decency to ask at all, unlike some people. In Rei's opinion, the bright red frames don't go well with Rin's darker hair and eyes, but they somehow make his face look even more angular.

"I suppose so," Rei sighs, fixing his hair. "We'd better go before Kou-san gets mad at us."

"Your prescription isn't that strong," Rin says, looking around. For some reason it feels rather relaxing to have Rin pestering him, rifling through his things and touching his stuff. It isn't the way Rin usually acts. It feels more familiar. Comforting. Rei wonders if this is the way he is around Haruka and his other friends. Like...Rei shakes his head. He doesn't have time to think about Nagisa today.

"It's strong enough that I need those back. Please hand them over." He holds out a hand, making the stern face his mother always had on when she was dealing with door-to-door salesmen.

Rin sets them on his hand and heads immediately for the door. "Yeah, yeah. Come on. We made omelettes."

"But I don't have the ingredients for-"

"She sent me to the store this morning. Gotcha covered." He flashes Rei a smile that leaves him feeling very, very confused.

 

 

 

 

 

Haru's itching to get in the water, using every ounce of self-control not to dive in. Nagisa lingers by the door to the change rooms, wearing swim trunks designed to look like a Gameboy console. Haru likes them, but he'll never admit it. And they don't look as if they'd fit comfortably. But Nagisa's swimsuit isn't the trouble; it's the fact that he refuses to take off his sweater. He's not allowed in the water with it on. "I'm sorry, Haru-chan," he says, worrying his bottom lip. "I'll just watch you, okay?"

"No." _Dammit._ He shouldn't have said that. He should have just jumped in. Except...he can't. Not when Nagisa's not coming in. "You can wear my shirt. It has long sleeves."

"Nuh uh, then what'll you do when we're done?"

Haru shrugs. "Get something from the lost and found."

Nagisa looks intrigued. "You mean steal? Haru-chan, I never pegged you for a thief."

"I'll take something old, from the bottom. Or I could go shirtless, I don't really care."

Nagisa bounces over to him and squishes him in a hug, which he tolerates because he can tell Nagisa needs the physical contact. Nagisa nuzzles his head into his shoulder. "Thanks. I really want to swim with you."

"Then let's go get you changed." He forces himself not to look back at the water as they walk away. This is more important.

 

Haru's drifting in a semi-comatose state, eyes closed, suspended by water, feeling it curl and ripple around his body, through his fingers and hair, accepting him, accommodating him. He's getting along with the water today. Even the echoing shouts and occasional spray from children playing in the pool next to him isn't enough to drag him out of his meditation.

"Hey, it's Ai-chan and Sei-chan!" Nagisa tugs on Haru's arm, the material of the wet shirt brushing Haru's skin. It feels weird. That sort of fabric isn't supposed to be in the pool. He reluctantly opens his eyes and roots his feet on the bottom, looking around. There are plenty of people here today; it's a public pool, and it's the weekend. Children run and scream at each other, earning annoyed whistle blows from the lifeguards. Old people fill the training lanes, so Haru hadn't bothered trying to get a spot there. He's content enough just to float aimlessly for a while.

Nitori and Mikoshiba seem to have had a similar idea, since they're seated side by side in the hot tub. Mikoshiba sits with his arms stretched across the back, wearing a subtle frown instead of his usual charismatic smile. Nitori isn't smiling either; his expression bleeds determination, and he looks directly at Mikoshiba as he talks. Despite clearly having undergone a major growth spurt, Nitori is still unmistakable, with his messy silver hair and the beauty mark under his eye that Haru can see from the main pool.

"We should go say hi," Nagisa gasps, tugging on Haru's wrist. "I haven't seen Ai-chan in ages. Oh my god. he got so tall!"

"They look busy."

Nagisa heads toward the edge of the pool anyway. "Doing what, taxes? They're in a hot tub." Haru has no choice but to follow him. Well...no _nice_ choice.

As it turns out, Mikoshiba spots them first, grinning and returning Nagisa's emphatic wave. "If it isn't Iwatobi," he belts, voice loud and clear. Nitori turns to face them, face falling.

"Hi," he says. Haru answers with a curt nod, while Nagisa jumps over the side of the hot tub with a splash.

"Haven't seen you two in so long," Nagisa chirps. "How are you? It's so cool that you guys keep in touch!"

Nitori purses his lips, looking away. Mikoshiba chuckles. "Ai's been practicing hard. I'm here to help him out. Got to put these coaching skills to work somehow."

"It's just funny to bump into you guys at a public school," Nagisa says. "I thought Ai-chan went to the same school as RinRin."

"I do," Nitori answers. "But it's good to practice in different conditions. And this pool is closer to...to M-Mikoshiba-senpai's house."

Mikoshiba turns to look at the big clock hanging over the life guard station. "Speaking of which, I really gotta get going." He stands as he talks, swim trunks clinging to his thighs. Haru notices he doesn't shave his legs anymore. "Aiichirou!" His authorative voice echoes through the building before blending into the background noise.

"Yes, sir," Nitori says quietly, eyes sparkling.

Mikoshiba squeezes Nitori's shoulder. "Good job today. Keep it up."

Unexpectedly, Nitori launches himself at Mikoshiba, drawing him into a brief yet meaningful hug. "Good luck tonight," Haru catches, before Nitori's voice lowers to a whisper.

Mikoshiba ruffles Nitori's hair and then steps out of the hot tub. "Sorry to cut it short. We can all meet up some other time and talk swimming!"

"That sounds like a blast," Nagisa pipes up, even though it definitely doesn't (in Haru's opinion, anyway.) He slides into the spot recently vacated by the former Samezuka captain, ignoring Nitori's look of disapproval. "I always wanted to spend more time with Ai-chan."

"Hang on a sec," Mikoshiba says, topaz eyes widening slightly. "Are you both free tonight?"

"Yup!" Nagisa's beaming. Haru supposes that if it makes Nagisa happy, he can void his schedule of the _nothing_ he was planning on doing tonight.

"Sure," he says, shrugging. "Why?"

Mikoshiba focuses on Nitori, who shakes his head frantically. "No, no, I'll be fine by myself," Nitori insists, lowering his voice. "I promise."

"It's not _you_ I'm worried about. I just can't forget what happened last time." Something about Mikoshiba's expression tightens, and it's only then that Haru realizes how truly _big_ he is. Tall, broad, and well-muscled...Haru busies himself staring at the bubbles in the hot tub. This is clearly not a conversation he's meant to be part of. Or _wants_ to be part of. Even Nagisa has enough sense not to say anything. "I'd feel better if you had company, is all."

Nitori sighs, nodding. A gentle smile plays on his face. "Okay."

"Great!" Mikoshiba roars happily. "Have fun, you three." And then he's gone, with a broad smile and a casual wave over his shoulder. Nitori watches him until he disappears through the change room doors, probably to avoid Nagisa's intense stare.

"Ai-chan," Nagisa says, leaning in close to Nitori's face, eyes open wide and a gleeful smile on his face.

Nitori carefully avoids eye contact, hunching in on himself until he appears almost as small as he was in high school. "Don't call me Ai-chan, please."

"Aww, fine." Nagisa adopts Mikoshiba's gruff voice. "Aiichirou."

Nitori glares daggers at him, and Haru figures he'd better intervene before Nagisa ends up strangled to death with his own swimsuit. "Where are we going tonight?"

"To a party," Nitori replies. "It's with all the sports teams from our university. Rin-senpai was supposed to come, but he couldn't make it."

"I didn't know you liked parties," Haru finds himself saying.

Nitori shrugs. "They can be fun if you have someone to go with, I guess. But I have to go. Everyone from the swim team is going, and I..."

"You wanna fit in," Nagisa finishes, throwing an arm over Nitori's shoulders.

Nitori promptly brushes his arm away. "I guess."

"Well of course we'll go with you, it'll be fun, right, Haru-chan?"

Haru takes a deep breath, letting his hand dangle in the water jet, enjoying the pressure of the water flowing between his fingers. For Nagisa. "Yes. Lots of fun."

Nagisa continues staring at Nitori as if through a magnifying glass. "So, Ai-chan."

Nitori releases an exasperated sigh. "Yes?"

"How long have you two been going out?"

Haru's pretty sure he's never seen so many emotions flit over one person's face in the space of five seconds. Shock, horror, embarrassment...Nitori's expression settles on a resigned grimace. He shrugs. "I don't...I'm not really sure."

"Are you just fuck buddies or something?" Nitori's cheeks go maraschino red, but Nagisa continues on as if he hasn't even noticed. "'Cause it seems like he really cares about you, you guys were so cute-"

Time for another intervention. "Nagisa, leave him alone." Since when does Haru intervene in things? He's more of a go-with-the-flow, let-people-do-what-they-want kind of person. He's feeling rather proud of himself for being able to keep Nagisa in check, though. How had Rei managed it all these years? Damn, he's good.

Nagisa's eyes shine with genuine remorse. "I'm sorry, Ai-chan. I was just surprised. I didn't know Sei-chan's gay."

Nitori stares at his hands. "He's not," he says, so quietly Haru almost misses it. "And neither am I."

 

 

Nagisa takes a minute to admire his handiwork. He's managed to get Haru into a pair of tight jeans and a t-shirt with a wide neck that shows off his shoulders and collarbones (anything was better than the crusty old crew neck sweatshirt he'd taken from the lost and found box. That thing needed to be burned.) "Come on, lemme put some eyeliner on you," Nagisa pleads. "It'd look so hot."

"I don't need to look hot. And last time you did it my eyes got itchy." Haru's all about comfort. Boring comfort. Nothing at all like... _certain_ people who would do and wear all kinds of uncomfortable things just for the sake of aesthetic.

"Fine, but can you do mine at least?" He's good at drawing, with a steady hand and an eye for artistic lines. Haru sighs and takes the kohl pencil, holding Nagisa's chin steady with one hand. Nagisa feels a slight pang when he realizes they're almost eye-level now. _I can share clothes with him,_ Nagisa thinks, and he doesn't know whether to laugh or cry. He always thought he wanted to be tall, but now that he's growing, his slim figure gradually giving way to longer limbs and more clearly defined muscle, he wishes he could take it back. His face even looks sharper these days, though that could just be because he hasn't been eating as much. As soon as Haru's done with the pencil, Nagisa turns to survey the effect in the mirror.

He's thinner, and taller, his golden hair growing out. It's long enough now to gather into a ponytail, which he does, though he prefers it higher on his head than Rinrin's. A few curls frame the sides of his face, but he does like the way he looks with his bangs off his forehead. The eyeliner makes him look older, and he's chosen something to wear that isn't as colourful and childlike as his usual clothes- a pair of shorts and a red long-sleeved shirt with a low neck that's been sitting in his closet for a year. Some ancient Christmas present he'd shoved away and forgotten about. The mirror shows him someone edgy, with the same kind of androgynous sex appeal that Rin has. It doesn't look like 'Nagisa' at all, staring out at him with darkened lashes, pink irises deep and unyielding. A chill sweeps down Nagisa's spine as he stares. He looks good. He looks hot. He looks _like someone else._ If only he had some lipstick or someth- NO. No. Don't think about that.

He notices Haru giving him a funny look from where he's now sitting on the edge of the tub. Nagisa wraps his arms around himself, aware that the shirt makes him look too skinny, a touch unhealthy. But Nagisa likes it. He likes how looking like a different person makes him feel. He feels a strange flutter in his stomach, a weight heavy in the back of his mind. He pushes it all away. "What?"

Haru's eyes flicker in the other direction. "Nothing. The eyeliner makes your eyes look nice."

Nagisa smiles. _A compliment from Haru-chan._ "Thanks for doing it for me." He glances at his phone on the bathroom counter. "Oh shit, we're already late!"

 

 

 

 

Ai is waiting for them when they get to the house the party is in, sitting outside on the curb with a downcast expression. "Ai-chan, sorry! Haru-chan and I aren't good at remembering times."

"It's fine," Ai says, getting to his feet. "I'm not that excited to go in, anyway."

"I am," Nagisa replies, hooking his arm through Ai's. "We're gonna have so much fun tonight." He leads them confidently up to the front door, determined to make his words true. Haru drifts after them like a lost shadow.

But there are only so many drunk muscle-heads Nagisa can tolerate before he's bored. Not a conversation to be found anywhere that doesn't include "dude, she's like, stupid hot" or "I kicked his ass, man." Haru sticks to the wall, a cup of beer clutched in his hand that Nagisa's fairly sure someone put there against his will. He's perfected the stay-the-fuck-away-from-me glare though, and both guys and girls alike are steering clear. Nagisa's not even sure if Haru would respond to _him_ at this point.

As for Ai, he'd found a few of the swim team members fairly early on and disappeared somewhere. Nagisa had clearly not been invited to follow, but he tried to keep a look out for Ai as the evening wore on. There must be some reason Seijuro didn't want him to come alone. _I just can't forget what happened last time,_ Sei had said. What was that supposed to mean?

Nagisa takes a drink from the kitchen - he's not sure what it is, he just grabs the nearest mostly-full cup and leaves. It's probably rum and coke; his fifth one of the evening. He finds a quiet corner in the living room (less people seem to be mingling in here than in the basement and yard) and pulls out his phone, wondering what the wi-fi password is. He should check his tumblr blog; he's got nothing better to do.

He sips from his cup and scrolls through all of his newest notifications. Facebook. It's probably one of his sisters being an asshat with one of those "haha this picture reminds me of you Nagi" with some kind of ugly dog photo underneath. Yup. Nagisa rolls his eyes. If he were any kind of dog at all, he would be a corgi. He's sure of it. He's looking absently through the feed when he sees something that makes his heart freeze up. Picture after picture from Kou, tagged with her brother and _Rei-chan._ Rei's not paying attention in most of them, looking off camera or with his mouth open while he's talking. Rei-chan. He looks so _tired._ The last photo is a shot of Rin and Rei together, obviously taken by Kou, but this time Rei's smiling, brilliantly, slight colour on his cheeks like he gets when he's just been caught off guard with a compliment.

The image sinks into Nagisa's mind, his chest, forcing cracks in his composure from the inside. He can't breathe. He drops his phone, running to the bathroom as fast as he can. The door is locked and he can hear voices inside, so he moves on, going through the first open door he finds. Someone's bedroom. He throws himself down on the bed, not caring if he's messing up the blankets, or whose bed it even is, and curls himself into a tiny ball, hugging his knees to his chest. He needs to breathe, but drawing in air is painful. Air. All he needs is air. And Rei-chan.

Nagisa squeezes his eyes closed, yelling swears in his head as loudly as he can, attempting to drown out the thoughts. He's hurting so much, a soundless roar rushing in his ears, and all he can think is that he needs to cut. He needs to find something sharp, dig it into his skin until tears and blood well out of him, relieving the pressure and the _ache_ in his chest. But...Rin's face pops into his head, tearstained and frightened, angry. His face when he saw what Nagisa had done to himself. "You're so pathetic," Nagisa whispers in the pillow. "You're the worst. All you do is h-hurt everyone." He drags another breath into his lungs, but it burns. "You're-"

"Who're you talkin to, cutie?"

Nagisa jolts into a sitting position, wiping his hand across his eyes. His hair and eyeliner probably look like shit right now, but he doesn't care. There's a girl standing in the doorway, framed by the light streaming in behind her from the hall. Nagisa hadn't even noticed the lights weren't on in here. "Um, nobody. Just myself."

She comes in and seats herself on the bed next to him. "Sounds like you're having a rough night." She gives him a friendly smile. She's pretty, in a dark sort of way- spiky black hair that falls over one eye, dark blue dress. He's jealous.

"I'm okay," he says feebly. Besides, he's feeling slightly better with someone to talk to him. To distract him.

"You sure? 'Cause I know something that would make you feel way better."

Nagisa sighs tremulously. He's seriously not in the mood (he hardly ever is anymore,) but if she asks him for sex, he'll take her up on it. At least it would give him something to do. Some way of forgetting for a while. And it's something he's allowed to do, even _encouraged_ to do. His dad would be so proud. Nagisa forces his voice into a purr. "Yeah? I might wanna take you up on that."

The girl smiles and puts her hand down the front of her shirt, rummaging in her bra. When she pulls her fist out and lays her palm flat, there are several little yellow pills on it. Nagisa can see in the faint light that they have tiny smiley faces on them. "A pick-me-up," she says.

"Oh, no, I don't-"

"First time's free, hon. Just try them. I promise they give you the greatest fuckin' buzz."

Nagisa closes his eyes. He wants this to be over. He wants...what the fuck _does_ he want? One thing comes to mind. One blue-haired thing with red glasses that he can't fucking have. "Fine."

"You want 'em?"

"Yes," Nagisa croaks. "Please. Do I chew them, or..."

"Swallow it, hon." For some reason it annoys to an irrational degree to be called _hon_ so casually. It's what his mom calls him. He takes two of the pills and a deep breath, popping them in his mouth and working up enough saliva to swallow them smoothly.

"How long does it take to work?"

"A few minutes. Ten or fifteen. Look, doll, I'm gonna leave you my digits in case you ever need more, okay?"

"You're a drug dealer."

She laughs. "Yep. Tuition's expensive. Gotta make money somehow." She hands him a scrap of paper with a phone number on it. "You'll have a better evening after this. Promise."

After she leaves, Nagisa lays back on the bed and laughs, waiting for the stuff to work. _A better evening, indeed._

 

 

 

 

 

Haru's standing at the wall, diligently taking small sips of his beer. He's surprised when he lifts the cup to his mouth again and it's empty. He shakes his head to clear it. How long has he been standing here? He'd been thinking about all the missions he still needs to complete in order to get the armor he wants in his game. He thought his mind had only wandered for a second, but now the clock says it's been over an hour, and he can't see Nagisa or Nitori anywhere. He could kick himself for this. He's supposed to be protecting them.

Heading into the kitchen, Haru notices that someone ordered pizza. There are several empty boxes stacked on the floor, and an open one on the counter that still has half a pizza left. Haru opens random cupboard doors until he finds a plate, stacking three pieces on it. One for him and two for Nagisa, when he finds him. He'll make sure Nagisa eats both of them.

Making his way carefully through the house, protecting his load with one arm, Haru searches for his friend. He even stops to ask a quiet-looking girl if she's seen a blond guy with a red shirt anywhere, but she shakes her head. Haru's not sure she even heard him, but he's not about to repeat the question. He continues on, avoiding the larger groups of people. He's just about to give up and take a break to eat his own slice when Nitori runs up to him, gasping for breath.

"You have to come right now," he wheezes, hands on his knees. "I tried telling them to stop but they aren't listening and-" He's panicking, and that deeply concerns Haru.

"Where's Nagisa?" He feels like he's got a belly full of gravel.

"This way."

Nitori leads him down the basement stairs and out through the back, into the yard, where a huge group of drunk college kids is crowding around the campfire.

"Look at them go at it," someone yells.

A whistle. "Whoooooo, lesbians! Take it off, girls!"

Haru pushes through them blindly, wishing he had Makoto's stature. It would make shoving people to the side a lot easier. He finally squeezes his way through the throng, only to have his mouth go dry. Nagisa's straddling some girl in the middle of the circle, kissing her like he's the star of a porn film. The lesbian comment makes sense. No longer is Nagisa wearing the shorts he came in; he's wearing a skirt instead, and he looks very feminine with his hair done up. It's dark and people are drunk; they'd easily mistake him for a girl.

"Take it off! Take it off!" Several guys in the crowd take up the chant. People have their cellphones out, recording it. Nagisa sits up straighter, pulling out of the kiss, saliva glistening on his lips. He giggles and wrings his hands in the fabric of his skirt. "Take it off, come on, girl!"

"You wanna see my boobs, huh?" Nagisa slurs. He reaches for the hem of his shirt.

"Don't," Haru snarls, barreling forward. He snatches Nagisa's hands, pulling him backwards off of the strange girl. He's never been this mad before. He'd gladly take Nagisa's sister on again instead of this. All these people, just watching, doing nothing, filming this to put it on the fucking _internet._ People boo him and some guy throws a half full can of beer at him. That earns him Haru's best glare. "Just fuck off, all of you!"

"Haru-chan! You're here," Nagisa says, reaching over his head to wrap his arms around Haru's neck. "Your hair is so smooth." He slides his fingers through the hair on Haru's nape, giving him a blissful smile. His pupils look huge in the firelight.

"Help me carry him," Haru commands, and Nitori darts down to drape Nagisa's arm over his shoulder. "He's wasted."

"And high," Nitori grunts. "I'm really sorry, I didn't know he did this kind of thing."

"He doesn't. Didn't," Haru corrects, narrowing his eyes at a guy in a football jersey who won't get out of his way.

"I can hear you talking about me," Nagisa chimes in. "And I can walk. I can run! I feel awesome. I dunno why you're so mad, Haru-chan. Ai-chan, your hair is even softer than Haruuuu's..." He nuzzles his face into the side of Nitori's head.

Haru elbows his way past people, leading Nagisa by the hand. Nagisa won't stop chattering, won't stop touching their clothes and hair, trailing his fingers along the walls as they walk by. "I can't take him home like this."

"Um...you can stay in my dorm with me tonight. It's closer. Rin-senpai's gone so his bed is empty."

"We get to see where Ai-chan and Rinrin live? Yaaaaaay!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~~Because nobody can convince me Haru isn't thinking about Skyrim whenever he spaces out.~~
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> If anyone has any questions or wants to chat, I'll be over on [rosaveritas.tumblr.com](rosaveritas.tumblr.com) crying about sports anime.


	15. All You Wanted To Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nagisa fidgets with the sleeve of his shirt, brushing his fingers over the scratches on his wrist. "I'm gonna have to wear it home. What if Ayumi sees? Oh god, she'll definitely tell dad...what do I do?" He closes his eyes in prayer, a frantic series of whispered curses leaving his lips.
> 
> "...I'll wear it."
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> His eyes snap back open, sharp and focused. "You'll...Haru-chan..." His lower lip trembles like he's going to cry. Haru really doesn't want that. He hasn't slept nearly long enough to be able to handle _crying._
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> "I don't mind. I wore that swimsuit for you in elementary. Nobody's going to yell at me if I wear a skirt."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *shows up a million years later with an update* *sweats nervously* Now with 100% more [fanart!](http://brainindacloudz.tumblr.com/post/109887668816/i-know-i-know-same-style-like-the-other-pic)

"Of course I'm coming with you! Don't you dare leave without me," Gou threatens, shuffling off to the bathroom. It's somewhat diminished by the jaw-cracking yawn at the end.

Rei stares after her, looking mildly impressed. He crosses his arms over his chest- _damn those biceps!_ \- and frowns. "She won't be able to keep up with us."

Rin laces his fingers together and stretches his arms out, trying not to let his gaze linger too long on the hem of Rei's track shorts. Because fuck. _Fuck._ "I don't see a problem with that."

Turning off Rei's alarm clock before it could go off yesterday morning had worked like a charm- Rei slept in until the sun was up, then after breakfast they'd toured campus. Rei showed them his classrooms, his favourite study spot in the library, and taken Kou to the student office to pick up transfer papers. Then they'd treated him to dinner, Kou had made her proposal regarding living arrangements, and Rei had reacted more than well, practically lighting up the restaurant with his smile. Rin wonders how long it'd been since he'd gone out with people before that. How long it'd been since he'd gone out at all.

But, stubbornly insisting on making up for his "laziness" yesterday, Rei had gotten up at 5:30 this morning, intent on going for a run, and though he'd tried to be quiet- _why the fuck are you bothering, I heard your fucking alarm clock go off, stupid_ \- Rin decided to get up with him. To make up for missing swim practice this weekend. He usually runs in the evening, but what's the fucking difference? It's just as dark this early. They were dressed and just about to get going when Kou woke up.

How long could one person possibly take to change? He bangs on the door. "We're leaving without you!"

"Gimme a minute," she screeches.

"You know, Rei, if you let her move in here you're gonna have to put up with this shit every day."

"Don't be silly," Rei replies, adjusting his glasses. "She won't be moving in here. We'll have to find a place with two bedrooms."

For the life of him, Rin can't stop himself. "Oh yeah? Not planning on making the moves on my sister?"

Rei flushes to the tips of his ears, and it's so fucking cute Rin can hardly stand it. "I...there's no need to worry about that, Rin-san," he says stiffly. "I'm not interested in, in-"

"Women?"

"I was going to say 'dating!' I'm not interested in dating anyone. But I suppose, as it stands, your sentence is...not incorrect."

Rin leans against the bathroom door, trying to keep his heartbeat in check lest he pass out after running a single block. Damn, Rei looks so adorable today, in those purple shorts that don't go with his striped red sweater. It's like all of his outfits come in random combinations out of a charity bin- all Rin's ever seen him wear are tacky dad pants and wildly patterned polo shirts, buttoned to the throat, and god, that stupid watch always around his wrist. Ridiculous. Ridiculous _-ly fucking cute._ "So, uh...how did you know you were gay, anyway? Was it Nagisa?" Shit, why had he brought that up?

Surprisingly, Rei smiles. "I knew before that. I've always been attracted to men, ah, s-sexually. But I was determined never to act on it. I had no interest in illogical things like love." He gives a curt nod. "And I still don't. I have no desire to date. Nagisa was the exception, not the rule."

Kou chooses that moment to open the door Rin's still resting against. He topples back into her and narrowly catches himself from falling by grabbing onto the door frame. "Jesus!"

"It's pronounced 'Kou,' loser," she sniffs, stepping passed him. "Rei-kun. They say time heals all wounds. You don't have to give up on love yet! You never know what's going to happen in the future."

"I was just explaining to Rin-san that I'm not interested in love."

Kou squints, puzzled. "I...I know, I heard you through the door. That's why I said that."

"Oh." He checks his watch, gasping. "We should have left seventeen minutes ago. If you don't mind, could we please get going?"

Rin claps Rei's shoulder. "Why, what's the rush? It's Sunday."

"Just because it's Sunday doesn't mean we should slack off," Rei replies. "No wonder you're so slow."

"What did you just say to me?"

"I'm merely saying that if you stuck to a more rigid training schedule, your speed would-"

"Oh. _Oh._ It's on, Rei," Rin growls, throwing open the front door. He tugs his ponytail tighter as he marches down the hall, not bothering to see if the other two are keeping up. "Gou, you're gonna fucking time us. We'll see who's fucking _slow,_ butterfly."

"You cannot possibly beat me, Rin-san. I'm on the track team."

"Wanna fucking bet?"

Rei laughs, his mirth echoing down the hallway and no doubt waking some of the other residents in the building far sooner than they were hoping. "I do not condone such reckless behaviour as gambling, but since there's no way I'm going to lose, it'd be irresponsible not to."

"Fine. What do you get if you win?"

Rei stops up short on the stairs, clearly at a loss. "I...give me a minute to think about it."

"Fine, but I know what I'm getting if I win."

Kou gives him an obvious warning glance over Rei's shoulder. "What?"

"Rei has to let me teach him how to dance like a fucking normal human being," he smirks.

Rei draws himself up to his full height with an indignant huff, though standing three stairs above Rin, he's already much taller. "What do you mean by that? My dance skills are-"

"Absolute crap," Kou finishes. "Admit it, you really...suck."

"But we can teach you," Rin adds, hurriedly, hoping to counteract that crestfallen look. "I'm _gonna_ teach you. Since I'm gonna beat your ass at this race."

Rei steps elegantly down the stairs, head held high, like a lord. Rin can definitely see why Nagisa would never shut up about how sexy Rei is. But then he opens his mouth in another comical laugh. "I'm going to win, and I'm going to think of the best wager the world has ever seen!"

_Yeah. Lord of the Dorks, maybe._

 

 

 

 

 

"Haru-chan? Haru?"

Haru curls up on himself, trying to ignore whoever's making the bed shake. "Shh..." He's so warm and comfortable, wrapped in a cocoon of blankets, and his pillow smells so nice...

"Where are my pants?" The voice sounds so lost and childlike. Haru rubs his eyes and blinks awake, staring at the paint peeling off the wall before sitting up. Nagisa's crouching on the floor by the bed, arms resting on the mattress next to the pillow. He's pale, eyes dark, diminished somehow.

"You left your pants at the party," Haru explains, head spinning despite sitting up as gingerly as possible. He wonders what time it is. Thin light seeps around the outer edge of the blind covering the window, throwing everything in the room into twilight shadow. There's a rustling and the creak of springs, and Haru suddenly remembers that Nitori's sleeping on the bunk above. He lowers his voice. "You had a skirt on." He points to where the garment lies draped over the back of a chair.

Nagisa blanches, pressing a fistful of blanket against his mouth, eyes glittering feverishly as he stares at the skirt. He looks like he's going to be sick. "Did I steal it?"

Haru shrugs, concerned by how little Nagisa seems to recall about last night. They'd brought him to the dorm and he'd chattered until almost four in the morning, driving Haru half-crazy. He suspects Nitori wasn't too pleased about the arrangement, either. Yet he hadn't kicked them out, like he had every right to. Good kid.

Nagisa fidgets with the sleeve of his shirt, brushing his fingers over the scratches on his wrist. "I'm gonna have to wear it home. What if Ayumi sees? Oh god, she'll definitely tell dad...what do I do?" He closes his eyes in prayer, a frantic series of whispered curses leaving his lips.

"...I'll wear it."

His eyes snap back open, sharp and focused. "You'll...Haru-chan..." His lower lip trembles like he's going to cry. Haru really doesn't want that. He hasn't slept nearly long enough to be able to handle _crying._

"I don't mind. I wore that swimsuit for you in elementary. Nobody's going to yell at me if I wear a skirt."

"I totally forgot about that!" How the hell could Nagisa forget about the time his sisters exchanged his swim trunks with one of their suits? Nagisa had sobbed in the locker room, terrified of putting it on and being made fun of for looking like a girl, so Haru had switched with him. It wasn't a big deal. He didn't care what he wore, as long as he was allowed in the water. "Haru-chan, you're the best, thank you. Thank you thank you thank y- um..."

Uh-oh. He's making that pouty, guilty face. "What?"

"Are you...what are you gonna do with it?"

Haru hasn't even had a chance to think about it, but...Nagisa keeps glancing at the chair, eyes lighting up, and suddenly it clicks. "Do you want it?"

Nagisa drags his fingers through his messy hair, cheeks heating. His voice comes out choked, barely audible. "I'm so messed up...you should throw it away."

"I'm keeping it at my house for you. In case you ever want it."

"No! No, you have to get rid of it. Burn it!" Nagisa wraps his arms around his head as though he's trying to physically hold himself together.

"No." He crosses his arms and raises an eyebrow in the most Rin-like way he knows how, just to drive home the point. Nobody does stubborn like Haru.

Nagisa's thumb finds its way up to him mouth and he starts chewing fretfully on the nail. "Haru-chan...isn't it...why aren't you weirded out?"

"If you want to wear a skirt, wear one." He really doesn't see the point in people always doing things they don't want to do, just because society dictates the way they should behave. Like not stripping and jumping into the fountain in front of the public library. And not being able to wear dresses if you produce too much testosterone. "I don't care how you dress. You're my friend."

Nagisa's lower lip trembles and he looks away. "I wish you were my dad."

"You like skirts, Nagisa-kun?" Bed springs grate in Haru's ears again as Nitori shifts on the top bunk, yawning noisily.

A smile plasters itself across Nagisa's face, so fake it makes Haru's chest hurt. "Morning, Ai-chan! Sorry for waking you up. Sorry for last night. Sorry for everything."

"I've seen that before. Sometimes the guys put stuff in the drinks," Nitori says quietly, making his way down the ladder. "It could happen to anyone."

Nagisa's smile melts. He's always been able to piece things together faster than a master quilter. "Is that why Sei-chan wanted us to go with you?"

Nitori takes his time leaning over the desk to open the blinds (making Haru squint) and tug the window open with a nasty scraping sound (making Haru cover his ears.) He turns to face them with a serious expression, clapping his hands together to rid them of loose paint chips from the window frame. "Yes. And don't call him Sei-chan. Also, don't call me Ai-chan!" He makes his way to the wardrobe in the corner, opening both doors wide and gesturing Nagisa over.

Nagisa springs up off his feet as though he's had twelve hours of deep sleep instead of three or four fitful ones, tossing and turning, crammed into the tiny bed beside Haru. He gasps when he looks inside. "Ohmigod, so... _cute!_. All of it!"

Nitori nods, smiling. "You can borrow something for today, okay?" He narrows his eyes. "But you have to give it back later. This way Nanase-senpai can keep his pants."

Haru meets Nitori's eyes and nods his thanks, shifting the blanket off himself and putting his feet on the floor. He's so stiff, especially his back and shoulders. He could use another soak in the hot tub...he could always use a soak, if he's being honest with himself. It's his life goal to become one with the water. Like a sunken ship. "You can call me Haru."

"O-oh. Okay. Sure. Um, so..." He turns awkwardly back to Nagisa and the contents of his wardrobe, which, if Haru had to guess based on Nagisa's wide-eyed expression, must involve a basket of kittens. "You can try stuff on. This'll probably fit," Nitori says, pulling clothes off hangers and draping them over his arm.

"Ai-chan, thank you," Nagisa replies, sincerity ringing in his voice. "I didn't know you- that you wore clothes like this. Girls' clothes."

Haru finally registers that the pair of jeans Nitori's pulled out of the closet is light pink, and he's holding something else that's floral patterned. Haru's seen similar things in K-pop videos, though. He's not shocked. He's barely even surprised. Besides, Nagisa already wears pink at every opportunity.

"They aren't _girls'_ clothes, they're _my_ clothes," Nitori informs him steadily.

Nagisa smiles. "Oh. Sorry...I wish I could try all of this stuff, but...do you have anything that- that won't make my family mad at me? I'm already gonna get in trouble from Ayumi for staying out all night." Haru notes that hasn't called her Nee-chan in a while. "But I think it's super cool that you have so many pretty clothes. I'm totally jealous." His giggle is likely meant to sound light-hearted, but it's anything but, falling dull and lifeless in Haru's ears.

Nitori covers his mouth with his hand for a minute, thinking hard. "You...you could come over again sometime. If you want. Maybe when Rin-senpai's h-" Nagisa crushes him in a hug forceful enough to lift him a few centimeters off the ground. "Whoa, hey!"

"That could be so much fun," Nagisa squeals happily. "We could all go out! Rin...Rinrin won't be grossed out, right? By me...c-cross-dressing?"

Nitori shakes his head furiously, struggling to extricate himself from Nagisa's grip and dropping clothes all over the floor in the process. "I do it all the time and he doesn't care. He says I look cute."

"I wanna look cute," Nagisa whispers, letting go and turning his wistful gaze back on the closet.

Haru blinks at him. "You already look cute." It's not like Haru's a robot. Nagisa's not his type (hardly anyone seems to be, actually,) but he's not blind. Nagisa is cute. With his round, cherubic face and wavy blond hair, and those impossibly big eyes, well, from an artist's perspective, Nagisa's adorable. Like a chinchilla in human form. Not to mention the way he acts, which is usually more-or-less like a kid on their first ever trip to the zoo.

"Aw, thanks Haru-chan. But I wanna look really cute. Like Ai-chan!" He giggles, but it fades too fast. "...Like a girl. I want long hair, and I make-up, and high-heel shoes. I even want underwear and bras, all that stuff." He's got his eyes closed, the tumble of words coming out of his mouth so fast that Haru can barely keep up. "I'm so weird...I'm so sick of being a guy."

"Gender dysphoria," Nitori says smartly, looking concerned. "That's what it's called. I'm learning about it in sociology." His eyebrows furrow with determination. "You aren't weird! Other people have it, too."

"...They do?"

"Yup! I'm happy being a guy who wears cute clothes, but there are lots of people who feel like they're the wrong gender."

Haru nods along, fascinated by the conversation. He's never heard of gender dysphoria before, so he doesn't have much to contribute, but some of Nagisa's palpable anxiety seems to float out the window while Nitori continues. Haru can tell that this is very important. He tries his best to pay attention, even though his stomach hurts and he could use a bathroom break. All that unknown pizza and alcohol from last night is not sitting well. Then again, his stomach is always an absolute wreck when he doesn't get enough sleep.

"-a support group for people on campus," Nitori continues, shuffling through the messy stack of books and papers on his desk and brandishing a thin leaflet at Nagisa. "You should come sometime! I keep trying to get Sei to go..."

"Is Sei-chan gender dys- dyph- that thing you said, too?" Nagisa scratches his wrist through his sleeve, not an ounce of the usual delighted calculation in his voice.

Nitori shakes his head. "No, but it'd be good for him to talk about the whole asexual thing-" he grinds to a halt, clamping his mouth shut.

"He's asexual?"

"No, _I_ am," Nitori mumbles, blushing hard, hands clenched at his side as he carefully examines his socked feet.

Nagisa looks puzzled, tilting his head to the side as he considers this news. "You don't...like sex? ...I don't get it."

Of course Nagisa wouldn't. He's one of the most touchy-feely, sexually charged individuals Haru's ever met. But Nitori being asexual? This must be what he'd meant when he'd said he isn't gay. Haru's head starts to ache along with his belly. "I do," he mutters, hauling himself out of bed at the insistent pressure in his lower abdomen. "Where's your washroom?"

By the time he's finally feeling well enough to return to the room, Nitori has Nagisa dressed in a pair of jeans and a nice long-sleeved sweater and they're sitting together on the bed, chatting animatedly about Mikoshiba. "I just...wait, explain it again," Nagisa prompts. He's got a small smile on his face and he's kicking his feet against the floor, looking happier than Haru's seen him in ages. That makes him feel a even better, though he'd love to crawl back into bed and sleep for a year and never have to talk about what happened last night ever again. Instead, he stands awkwardly by the door, staring at the skirt that still hangs over the back of the chair. Berating himself for not really seeing any of this coming, when it should have been painfully obvious. Nagisa wants to be a girl. No problem. No problem at all. Because then he could be with Rei... "Sei-chan's so hot, though, I don't understand!"

Nitori shrugs. "I like him a lot. I like hugging and kissing, but I don't feel like having sex."

"Maybe he's not...right for you?"

Nitori's cheeks puff out in determination and he downright glares. "Yes, he is. But it's hard because he likes sex and I don't."

Nagisa smiles in wonderment. "Maybe I won't ever understand...I love sex so much. I like feeling connected to other people, I guess? But it looks like Sei-chan makes you happy, so that's- wait, Rinrin told me you read porn."

Nitori turns bright red. "Being asexual doesn't mean you can't like porn. Or looking at your...your friend in a tiny speedo..." He shakes his head. "Everyone's different. I can take you to the group sometime, if you want. It might help."

"That sounds fun, Ai-chan! And we can-" A knock at the door interrupts him.

"Nitori-senpai, we're here," a familiar voice cries. Haru cringes inwardly. Not this. Please, god, Zeus, whoever, not _this._. As the door opens to reveal both the Mikoshiba brothers, Haru's starting to chalk up the merits of jumping out the window. "Nanase-san, Hazuki-san," Momo shouts at full volume. "Are you coming with us?"

" _Yes,_ " Nagisa replies, without even asking. "Where are we going?!" Nitori seems only mildly irritated; he's too busy staring at Seijuro, who appears as lively as usual save for the dark crescents under his eyes. Momo's got them, too. Haru decides that every single person in the room needs some grilled mackerel and a nap. And in Momo's case, a zoo-grade sedative. The thought of mackerel makes Haru's stomach flip again. He could honestly do with a healthy dose of Pepto Bismol.

"Excuse me," He grumbles, heading back to the bathroom. He prays that while he's in there everyone will forget about him and leave. He doesn't know how he'll survive a whole day with the three loudest people he knows, especially with his guts twisted into knots like this. He'd rather stay somewhere where there's a toilet nearby.

Thank god for Nitori, at least. He decides then and there to start calling him Ai.

 

 

 

"Oh my god, Rei, loosen up. Seriously, it's like trying to teach a tree." Rin sighs and pauses the video. Again. For the fiftieth time, or thereabouts. Well, the twenty-sixth time, actually. Not that Rei's been keeping track. "Do what they're doing."

"Try closing your eyes," Kou suggests, shoving another potato chip in her mouth while she observes from the couch.

"This is ridiculous, Rin-san. I don't want to do it anymore. I take it back." Sweat trickles down his back and he gasps, trying to catch his breath. This is much harder work than running. His muscles aren't trained to do these specific movements. Particularly the one where he's supposed to stick out his bottom and slowly crouch down toward the floor while he sways. It has certainly got to look nearly as awful as it feels to perform...then again, Rin manages to pull it off almost as well as the dancers in the music video.

Rin gapes at him. "You? Quit something? What the hell. Are you really Ryuugazaki Rei, or some kind of alien imposter?"

Kou snorts, promptly choking on a chip. "I'm okay," she wheezes.

Rin places a hand on his hip, hardly breaking a sweat. "I know I promised to teach you to dance like a human being," he says. "But only because I actually assumed you still were one."

"I _am_ human," Rei bristles. He doesn't like hearing how freakish he is from Rin, even though he knows it was just a joke. It still hurts. He's painfully aware of the fact that he has no rhythm; music was his worst subject in school. He can't dance. It isn't like he hasn't tried learning before. He thought that perhaps since Rin had been able to teach him how to swim, maybe he'd be able to tackle this, too. Which is the sound reasoning Rei had in place when he won the race and asked Rin to teach him how to dance anyway. As his prize, rather than punishment. _Nagisa loves to dance._

Rin's expression softens immediately. "I didn't mean it like that, I'm sorry. But it's kinda weird to see you wanting to quit at something." He bites his lip and looks back at the laptop screen. "'S not like you."

"We're worried about you," Kou adds, tone gentle. "That's the whole reason we came." She leaps off the couch and comes up behind him, placing her hands lightly on Rei's hips. He doesn't flinch at the touch. This is Kou-san. She's familiar. She's safe. She's going to move in with him and be his roommate and attend the same college as him. That's what she'd said, anyway. "Look, dancing is easy. Pretend you're in the water. The music is like the waves."

"Yeah, yeah," Rin says, pressing play on the video. "Don't look at the screen for now. Close your eyes. Pretend you're somewhere else. Let the music fill you up. And _move._ "

Rei does as he's told, letting Kou help straighten out his form. He pretends he's somewhere else. This music, this song, it's kind of like the music Nagisa always used to have on in his room all the time. When they were studying, talking, or doing...other things. Rei closes his eyes and imagines Nagisa looking up at him in surprised delight, pencil he's been nibbling dropping to the floor. _Rei-chan,_ he cries, bounding to his feet. _I love this song. Dance with me!_

Rei's chest feels hollow and it hurts, heart pumping like a spoon scraping along the inside of a rusty tin can. _I don't even know how to dance, Nagisa-kun. We're supposed to be studying._

Well, he's finally learning how. He's just a little too late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this chapter was... _Ai_ 'ght. *obnoxious wink* 
> 
> (You have full permission to come to [rosaveritas.tumblr.com](http://rosaveritas.tumblr.com) and punch me in the face for the stupidity of that joke.)


	16. Kindred

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I want to hate them, but I don't. It's hard. It's hard loving people who aren't good to you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *whispers* I'm back...
> 
> [tw for cutting this chapter]

**Sharkbait ooh ha ha:** You better get your fucking ass up here when you can. Rei needs you.

 

Haru stares intently at the message on his phone screen until the letters start to blur at the edges. He sets his phone down, massaging his temples, and takes another sip of his coffee. Or what had been advertised to him as 'coffee'- in actuality, it's all syrup and milk and tastes more like uncooked cake batter than anything. He might have been able to enjoy it if his stomach weren't such a mess, violently protesting every time he takes a swallow.

Despite Seijuro's excellent judgement in ordering Momo something decaffeinated, the kid bounces in his chair, chatting excitedly with Nagisa and Ai about the current state of the Samezuka swim team (which, from what Haru can discern, is doing better than ever after reaching nationals with Ai the previous year.) Though Seijuro is a far cry calmer than his brother, his voice certainly isn't understated, and both Nagisa and Ai also have the tendency to get loud and enthusiastic.

Haru tries to block out the rush of noise and colour around him, using one finger to tap out a reply without having to pick up his phone again. Even that seems an insurmountable task.

 

 

 **Sent!:** ok

 **Sharkbait ooh ha ha:** Gou's coming out again next weekend so they can look for apartments. you should go with her

 **Sent!:** i'll get my shifts covered.

 **Sharkbait ooh ha ha:** Good. how's Nagisa?

 

 

Haru steals a look at Nagisa's face. He's pale and drawn with dark smudges under his eyes- Haru can't tell if it's leftover eyeliner or not, but whatever it is, it makes his eyes big. He smiles and laughs at something Ai says, momentarily animated, a porcelain doll mimicking life. Haru's stomach gives a sickening twist.

 

 **Sent!:** not good

 

A split second later his phone starts to violently buzz, wandering aimlessly across the table top as it vibrates. Haru snatches it up. "Be right back." Sei nods at him, but nobody else even seems to notice as he slips away, holding the phone to his ear.

"What happened? What's wrong? You can't just say fucking say not good and that's it!" Rin barks in his ear, all anger broken by notes of pure panic.  

Haru slips past a large woman standing in line waiting for her sugar-in-a-cup-with-whip and barricades himself in the nearest restroom, unsure which gender it's supposed to be exclusively reserved for. "We went to a party last night and he took some pills. I didn't know what to do."

"What do you mean? Is he okay? Is he alive?! Is he in the fucking hospital again because I- I-" Rin's voice cracks and he swallows thickly; there's rustling in the background. A sniffle. He doesn't finish his sentence.

Haru runs his hand through his hair, avoiding meeting his own gaze in the mirror. His lip trembles and he bites down to stop it, vision blurring. "No. He's okay. He's here with me. Ai was there. He helped." One breath at a time. One short sentence after another. "We're all having coffee now. With the Mikoshibas."

Several long moments of laboured breathing. "....Oh? How are they?"

"...Loud. But...good. For Nagisa."

"He should be out with friends more. Spend less time at home."

"Yeah."

More tapping and rustling. "I'm talking to him right now," Rin says in a muffled voice. "Yeah okay, I got-"

"Haruka-kun?" Kou's strong, cheerful voice. She drops it to a whisper. "I think we should do something nice for Rei next weekend. I have a plan."

Haru exhales, shoulders relaxing. Not for the first time, he's struck by how soothing Kou's voice is. Of course she has a plan. She always has a plan. He's hard-put to think of a single time when she didn't know exactly what to do. He realizes how much he misses having her around. "Tell me what I can do to help." His voice doesn't shake this time. "I'll do it."

"Perfect! So, here's the idea-"

 

 

 

 

Nagisa soothingly pats Momo's hair, trying hard to stifle his giggles in case the jostling wakes him up. He's somehow managed to fall asleep, sprawled out on the couch with his head in Nagisa's lap. Ai sighs, rolling his eyes. "How can a person fall asleep in public like this?"

"I fall asleep on the train all the time," Nagisa replies. "Sometimes being around lots of people talking is really comforting."

"He didn't sleep last night," Seijuro points out. The dark shadows under Momo's eyes (and Seijuro's too) make convincing evidence.

Ai leans in closer to Seijuro, setting a hand on his arm. "How was it, anyway?"

Seijuro grins, putting his hand over Ai's. Nagisa shoves away the nagging tendril of jealousy creeping down his spine, wanting nothing other than to be happy for them and their relationship. "It was great," Seijuro says with not a single trace of dishonesty. "We went to the same restaurant we went for her middle school graduation. Got a cake. Looked at photo albums and talked about her all night."

Nagisa's eyes prick with heat as he looks from Seijuro's face, softened by fond memories, and Momo's peaceful sleeping one. "You must miss her so much...can I ask you something?"

"Shoot away."

"...Doesn't it hurt? To think about her?"

"Well...yeah," Seijuro sighs, leaning back in his chair. "It sucks that she's gone. It's awful, thinking about how long it's been since I last saw her. Wondering what she'd be doing today if she was alive. But I like how it hurts. Don't want to forget about her."

"S'better to think about all the fun we had while she was here," Momo murmurs, blinking awake and pushing himself out of Nagisa's lap with a confused expression.

Seijuro nods. "Setsuna wouldn't want us to forget that stuff."

"And you know what?" Momo says, rubbing his eyes. "Not everyone gets to say their sister is an actual angel."

Nagisa finds himself smiling. "True. My sisters sure aren't."

"I don't have any brothers or sisters," Ai adds. "It seems so amazing. I wish I got to know Setsuna-san better." Seijuro squeezes his hand.

"...I think it depends," Nagisa says. "I wish I was close with my sisters. But they're older and bossy and always try to control my life. They think they know better than I do what's good for me. I can't stand it. I-" He chokes down the words he was about to say. "I want to hate them, but I don't. It's hard. It's hard loving people who aren't good to you." As soon as he says it, he wishes he could take it back.

Ai's eyes shine, his face open and vulnerable, surprised. "N-Nagisa..." He sucks in air, puffing up his cheeks in determination before letting it out. "Can I give you my number? I think we have lots to talk about."

"Really? Okay!"

As they exchange numbers, Momo yawns, looking into the bottom of his empty coffee cup. "How long was I asleep? Why isn't Nanase-senpai back?"

"He must really not be feeling well," Nagisa says, glancing in the direction of the washrooms. "We should probably go home soon." As much as he'd rather stay in this coffee shop forever instead.

"I'll call you," Ai tells him earnestly.

"I'd really like that."

 

 

 

 

 

After parting with Ai and the Mikoshibas, they walk in silence most of the way to Nagisa's apartment. Or Ayumi's apartment, as Haru's started thinking of it in his head. Nagisa doesn't belong there at all. Even Haru can tell it isn't home. He knows what it's like to live trapped in the confines of four walls that don't feel like home. The word 'prison' sits heavy in the back of his throat.

Once they reach the apartment lobby, Haru makes for the stairs. "I'll walk you up."

"No, you don't need to." Nagisa chews his bottom lip, fidgeting with the sleeve of his shirt. "It's better if you don't, really. I'll be fine."

"...Okay...unless you want to stay at my place."

Nagisa's eyes fill with tears, the exact opposite of the reaction Haru'd been hoping for. But he smiles. "You're so sweet, Haru-chan." He dabs at his eyes before the tears can fall, and in a moment it's as if they never existed. He gives Haru a hug, burrowing his face in Haru's collarbone. "I'll text you later." Then he disappears up the stairs.

Haru makes the rest of the journey home with feet like cement blocks. He's dizzy and his head hurts from the coffee; what he's craving is to crawl straight back into bed to hibernate for a few days. Instead, with Kou's words repeating themselves over and over in his head, he drags himself into the shower. After changing into something clear of stale cigarette smoke and body odor, he feels slightly refreshed. A bowl of plain rice and grilled mackerel brings additional succour, and after an hour and a half of resting on the couch staring at the empty space on the wall between his favourite aquatically themed Hokusai prints, an idea starts to etch itself into his brain.

He checks his bank account. Enough money to get the things he needs; he'll make a trip to Sekaido on the way home from work tomorrow. Until then, he has planning to do. He still has his old high school art sketchbook stored away somewhere...for the next few hours, he loses himself in the gentle scratch of pencil strokes on rough grain paper.

 

 

 

 

 

"Thanks for not telling dad," Nagisa says, settling beside Ayumi to watch TV.

Ayumi hugs her knees to her chest looking at him with thoughtful eyes. For the first time in years, it feels like she's really _seeing_ him, and he blushes. He wonders if there's anything about him these days that's even worth looking at. "Yeah, well...I didn't want him to yell at you just for staying out. It's not fair for you to get in trouble when none of us do."

A small smile spreads itself across Nagisa's face. "...Do you want me to fix your nail polish? It looks like a three-year-old did it."

" _Excuse me_ if I find it hard to bend that way. Toenails are tricky!"

Nagisa giggles. "I know, right? Last time I..." His eyes widen as he realizes his mistake, but Ayumi's still _seeing_ him.

"...I could do yours, too."

"Really?!"

She furrows her brow, thinking hard. "Just the toenails, though, 'cause you can hide them with socks when dad's around."

"Okay."

Ayumi leaves for the bathroom, coming back in a minute with nail polish remover, cotton balls, and a couple of vials of brightly coloured lacquer. Nagisa perks up, shifting himself sideways and putting a cushion across his lap for his sister to rest her foot on while he works.

It's nice to have something to focus on, an excuse not to meet her intense gaze. He summons a smile for her every time he looks up and their eyes meet.

"Do you still talk to him?"

Nagisa doesn't need to ask who _him_ is. "Not really. I talked to him once a little while ago...he's doing really well in school." _Without me._

"You know, Nagi..." Ayumi sighs, wiggling her toes just in time to screw up Nagisa's next brush stroke. "I know break ups suck. But...this is for the best. Your life with him would have been so hard. We don't want that for you."

Nagisa tries to swallow, throat dry. "Yeah," he manages to croak. "You're right. This is the best."

Ayumi nods, basking in her sage advice. "I had a _phase_ too once, in my first year of college. So I get it. But eventually it's time to grow up."

"Rei-chan was just a phase," Nagisa mumbles through numb lips.

A voice echoes through his mind, strong like summer sunshine: _But_ _I like how it hurts. Don't want to forget about her._

_Better to think about all the fun we had while she was here._

 

 

 

 

 

 **Ai-chan:** hi!!!!!

                **Outbox:** AI-CHAAAANNNN HIIIIIIIIII!!! thnx for this weekend. ill bring ur pants back asap

 **Ai-chan:** take your time. how are you and nanase-senpai?

 **Outbox:** harus ok i think. he needs time to recharge his batteries lmao

 **Ai-chan:** good & you?

 

 

Nagisa clutches his phone to his chest, sprawled on his bed staring at the ceiling. He'd gone to bed early just to get away from Ayumi for a bit, playing Tetris on his phone in an attempt to get Rei off his mind. To the effect of thinking of nothing _but_ Rei for the past three hours.

 _im good!_ he types into the reply box, thumb hovering over the 'send' button. Then, on a whim, he hits 'delete' instead.

 

 

                **Outbox:** ive been better i guess

 **Ai-chan:** im really sorry to hear that DDD:

 **Ai-chan:** i wanted to tell you from before...i know about abusive relationships so you can talk to me about your family if you want.

 **Ai-chan:** that sounds totally presumptuous and weird im sorry (>.<)

                **Outbox:** omg what do u mean? not sei-chan?!

 **Ai-chan:** no no!!! i mean my mom. that thing you said about it being hard when you love the ppl who arent good to you. i know how it feels. im really really sorry

                **Outbox:** im sorry too...i never knew

 **Ai-chan:** i dont talk about it so how could you? even rin-senpai doesnt know. only seijuro and momo

                **Outbox:** how do you deal with it? you seem so happy

 **Ai-chan:** i AM happy & its bc i stopped talking to her/seeing her. she still guilt trips me a lot & it can be hard but im choosing to surround myself with ppl who actually care about me.

 **Outbox:** they care...theyre doing what they think is best

 **Ai-chan:** no they arent Nagisa!!!

 **Ai-chan:** i thought the same thing about my mom! i thought she loved me but she doesnt. if she did she wouldnt hit me

 **Ai-chan:** sei's the one who made me see it. hes...hes been amazing. every time mom calls me hes there to remind me that i deserve to be treated better than that

 **Ai-chan:** but even then its still hard. i grew up thinking i had to be grateful to her. but its not true. just bc theyre family doesnt mean they really care and it doesnt mean theyre right

                **Outbox:** i have to go. ttyl

 

Nagisa rolls onto his stomach and presses his face into the pillow to stifle his sobs, trying to stamp out the flame Ai's spark of truth has ignited in his chest. The horrifying, awful reality that he's trapped in the arms of people who don't know him and don't care about his feelings. He wonders how long he'd have to press the pillow over his mouth and nose in order to suffocate himself. _If I died they'd care. They'd cry at my funeral._

 _...Rei would be there._ He tilts his face to the side, taking a gasping breath. He tries to remember the last time he'd spoken to Rei face-to-face. He clenches his fists in the blankets, then shoves his hand in the space between the mattress and the boxspring, searching by feel for one of the bent paperclips he keeps stashed there.      

The first incision burns, a hot line down his inner thigh. He tugs his shorts to his knees and spreads his legs for better access, giving himself a second cut right below the first. He has to use a lot of force to get the wire to break skin as he drags it.

 _If_ he's going to die, he wants to see Rei again and tell him how sorry he is. He wants to kiss him one more time and feel his warm hands on his hips. He wants to say goodbye properly.

 

 

_Mmm...Rei-chan..._

A half hour later he startles out of his daze, pulling the wet facecloth off his stinging thigh. The light pink cotton is stained with red streaks; he realizes he should have grabbed a darker colour to hide the blood, but he hadn't been thinking clearly. He balls this one up and throws it in the trash next to the desk, since it's hardly worth saving.

He picks up his phone, noting another message from Ai.

 

 **Ai-chan:** im so sorry if i made you uncomfortable. but im here if you ever want to talk

                **Outbox:** thank u!!!! i think i needed to hear that

 

He opens a new message.

 

                **Outbox:** i need to see him again. i miss him. i need to see him without my family finding out

 **gou guuurl:** OH MY GOD. I've been WAITING FOR THIS MESSAGE FOR SO LONG. Let's meet tomorrow after class, okay?

                **Outbox:** yes!! if any1 can help me its u

 **gou guuurl:** You have so many people on your team, hun. We can do this.

 

 

 

 

 

"Oh my god Rin, _Rin,"_ Kou squeals, clutching Rin's arm.

"What?!" He tries to shake her off before she yanks his arm too hard and sends the car careening off the road.

"Nagisa just texted me saying he wants to see Rei! I'm gonna meet with him tomorrow to talk about it more."

Rin switches into the fast lane, sparing a glance to share a bright smile with his sister. "Seriously? Fuck, Rei's gonna be so happy. D'you think they'll get back together?"

"I don't know. I hope so."

"Weren't you the one who was gonna set Rei up with someone new?"

Kou huffs, crossing her arms. "Only if he wanted it, which he clearly doesn't. If Nagisa's finally ready to see Rei again...this could be our opportunity to see them both smiling again."

"I fucking told you. They're soulmates."

"There's no such thing as soulmates," Kou maintains stubbornly. "...But if there were, they totally would be. It was Nagisa's idea to get Rei to join the swim team in the first place. I'm not saying I believe in destiny or anything, but it does make a pretty great story."

Rin sighs. "I love that story. I wish I'd been there to see it."

"It's incredible how Nagisa got him to open up- you should have met him before, Rin. He was really quiet and scary and always glaring at everyone over a book."

"That's pretty tough for me to imagine."

Kou sighs, looking out the window. "He's changed so much since I first met him. It's incredible. Like a completely different person."

The road blurs in front of Rin's eyes. "Hand me my sunglasses."

"...Are you crying again?"

" _No!_ The sun is in my eyes," he hisses, snatching the sunglasses from her after she fishes them out of the glove box. He realizes too late that this is the rhinestone-encrusted pair that belongs to their mother. "Even if they don't get back together they need to be _friends._ They need to be in each other's lives. Losing your friends and feeling like nobody cares about you is the worst thing."

Kou sets her hand on his arm, this time gentle enough that he's not worried about crashing. "Does it help if I tell you again how much I missed you when you were gone?"

"This isn't about me, Gou." _Even if I'm selfish and accidently made it that way somehow._

"I know....and I know it was something you needed to do, even if it was tough. Hey..."

"Yeah?"

"Do you ever think about calling Makoto? Maybe it's the same for him."

Rin tightens his grip in the steering wheel, cruising past a black sedan that's already going well above the speed limit. "He seems like he's doing well, judging from what I've seen on Facebook. I hope he finds what he's looking for."

"...I'm so scared of losing Rei like that, too. I'm scared about...so many things. I'm tired of losing the people I care about." Rin can see from his peripheral that she's not crying; Kou seldom cries, but her wooden expression carries more weight than tears ever could. Forced to be the strong one for so long, dealing with everybody's shit on her own.

He brushes her arm with his knuckles. "We aren't gonna lose him. I promise. He seems excited about living with you."

"Well who wouldn't be? I'm an amazing roommate. Not that you would know."

"Hey, I- well, not really. Fuck...we've spent more of our lives apart than we have together, haven't we? I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I've been told living with brothers sucks. Because they're _dirty_ and _gross,_ " she enunciates.

He smirks at her. "I was just gonna offer to let you DJ for the rest of the way home, but nope. Don't think so."

Kou's eyes widen with genuine fear. "If you make me listen to Iggy all the way home I'm gonna kill you and leave you in a ditch somewhere I _swear._ "

"Don't even try and pretend you don't like it," Rin goads, pressing play on the CD console. "I heard you on the way down, you know every single word to Black Widow and you aren't even the one that spent five years having to speak English every day."

"I hate you so much."

Rin scoffs, turning up the volume as the first song begins to play. "As if."

"Fine then," she says, eyes glinting. "Whoever fucks up the most verses has to pay for food at the next rest stop."

"You're going down, sis _._ "

 

 

 

 

Kou leans on her elbows, watching her brother devour his onion rings with a satisfied smirk on his face. "You know what," she tells him. "I'm more sad that you _won._ That's just...depressing."

"Whatever you have to say to make yourself feel better, loser."

Despite the insult, she beams. "I'm glad we're finally making up for lost time. I wish we'd had more moments like this while we were growing up."

"Me too." Rin chews slowly, face introspective. "Remember that ice cream shop dad always used to take us too when he was home?"

"Yeah. And you would try a different flavour every single week even though you only like vanilla," she giggles.

"Dad always had to finish it for me," he laughs. "And you got the black forest cake kind every time."

"I know what I like," she shrugs.

He dips the same onion ring into his ketchup several times without taking a bite. "Must be nice."

She knows they aren't talking about ice cream anymore. "You'll figure things out eventually. And Rin?"

"Hm?"

"You're a good friend. An amazing friend. You're there for them when they need you. It makes everyone happy having you around. Especially Nagisa and Haru."

"...Yeah. I know that."

"You're good for Rei, too. And having a crush on him-" He jerks his head up to look at her, eyes sharp. She holds her hand up to silence him until she finishes. "Having a crush on him doesn't make you a bad person or a bad friend. Even if they _were_ still together."

Rin cups his face in his hands, rubbing his eyes. "How do you figure that?"

"You can't just force yourself not to have feelings for someone, geez. I think it's sweet that you care about him so much. The bad thing would be if you acted on it."

"I would never, _ever_ do that."

She gives a brisk nod to drill in her point. "That's what makes you a good friend."

"Hm." He pushes the basket of food toward her and they share it in silence for several minutes, Rin carefully avoiding eye contact. When he finally speaks it's with a reluctant, serious tone. "You ever have a crush on any of the guys?"

A blush blossoms across her face before she can stop it. "Me?"

"Yeah," he smirks, catching her wrist. "You clearly did. Who was it?"

"G-Guess," she says, desperately stalling for time.

"I wanna say Makoto because of your crazy muscle fetish. Dear lord I hope it's Makoto. He'd be the one guy I wouldn't have to think about murdering for looking at you."

"Pfffttt well you're wrong, and for future reference, I don't need you murdering anyone for me." She taps her chin. "Unless I expressly ask you to, and only if you follow my instructions _exactly._ "

"What the fuck, Gou."

"Well do you wanna end up in jail for the rest of your life? Murder requires a lot of planning, you know. I don't think you're cut out for it."

He cringes away from her in mock horror. "You are fucking terrifying sometimes."

"Be glad I'm using my powers for good. Like getting Rei and Nagisa back together." _And getting you distracted enough to quit asking me about my crush._

He puts their mom's ridiculous sparkly sunglasses back on, mouth pressed into a serious line that twitches only slightly in amusement. "Let's do it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [rosaveritas.tumblr.com](http://rosaveritas.tumblr.com)


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